11.22.05-- It's feminist, I swear...

Anyway, last week the pinnacle of my writing career fell upon me.

Yes friends! Playgirl Magazine asked me, Me! Kristina Wong, to be a guest contributor in their March "Humor Issue."

What's that you say? Humor issue of Playgirl? We thought Playgirl was the humor issue!

Hardy har har.

Anyway, don't say that to them. The gals they have writing for them are working hard to change the image of Playgirl. Playgirl is all like riot grrl and feminist now. All those naked penis pictures--- it isn't seedy porn... no, it's feminist, I swear. Or maybe post-post feminist? How about post-post-post feminist?

Somehow I consider this to be the best thing that's ever happened to my writing career. Not the PEN Fellowship, or the anthologies I'm published in (oh no, especially not that landmark Asian American anthology put out by Harper Collins), not grad school for writing, and not being approached by a publisher last month to write my own book.

Nope! Writing for Playgirl Magazine is the best thing that's happened to my writing career! My words next to pictures of naked penises. That's the cream of the writing crop (no pun intended). That's like riding to the top of the Stratosphere in Vegas and eating the buffet!

So I was jamming on ideas with my editor friend at Playgirl. I thought, "Why not use this opportunity to blow up the emasculating stereotype that Asian men have small penises?! You know, use this opportunity for political good."

So I had a brilliant idea that admittedly needed a little bit of work. I thought, what about pictures of Asian men with huge penises? Fake penises that hung all the way to their ankles and wrapped around their waist. Penises that they could jump rope with. I could write the politicized captions. And voila! We'd be one funny step closer to freeing the Asian man from his emasculating small penis cave.

Apparently Playgirl published a naked picture of an Asian amateur guy a few months ago and he was really well endowed and they got an exorbitant amount of fan mail for him. So this spot would have to run with photos to work. And guys who pose get $250. Not a lot of money, but hey! A great way to free the people.

Man! I started approaching my Asian guy friends to pose in the piece and they were pissed... Look at what they said verbatim...

"i really don't see how you explode the stereotype, if you're using the exact stereotype as the key to what makes the piece funny"

"... if i had a pictoral showing asians with huge, round eyes, would that be funny?"

"... i really do think it's taking advantage of the "asian guys have small penises" stereotype, though. so i'm gonna have to pass, but i think you shouldn't have a problem finding people to do this for $250!"

"... why is an asian man with a huge schlong funny?"

"...you're leveraging the stereotype that asians have small penises, for sure let me flip it around what's funnier -- a black man with a huge schlong, or a black man with a TINY TINY TINY one?"

"of course, the consideration is $$$....no way, not for $250"

I couldn't believe it! The backlash! The deceit! These are the guys who are always whining to me about how the media emasculates them and here I am giving them an opportunity to once and for all set the world straight about how manly they are (show me any other magazine with that distribution that would take on the topic so head-on--no pun intended!) and instead, Kristina gets lectured on political correctness. I kept explaining, "It's feminist, I swear. It's feminist!" But they got all huffy about it.

So now, it doesn't look like this story will happen. Too many Asian men have taken issue with it all. No, it seems whining is the best way to deal with this Asian emasculation issue, not humor, not addressing it in a big magazine. And I am already smelling a smear campaign and an email campaign against me if this story ran. The new story I am proposing for the humor issue is a picture essay of me doing fix-it things around the house with sex toys. Like gardening with a rabbit vibrator and doing the dishes with a French tickler. It's so lame in comparison to my original great idea. But it looks like that may not even fly and I will just be used by Playgirl to help caption funny photos. Caption the funny photos? Come on! Ugh... I have been downgraded, no thanks to my oversensitive Asian male friends.

But look, even more irony! Last night I was IMing with Bernard and he threw this double standard on me when we were talking about this white cyclist guy I went on a few dates with... and what would have happened if we hit it off and got into a relationship. Look what that scoundrel had to say!

"no one would take u seriously as a performer...i mean , people would call u a hypocrite probably... if you talk about empowering asians and go out w/ a non-asian...seriously, guys would think you're a hypocrite...ask your bf"

A hypocrite? I love how people love to tell me what my politics are and how to best promote them in my private life. I told Bernard, "I can date whoever I want. It doesn't matter who I date, as long as I am who I want to be!" And what's with this "nobody will take you seriously as a performer"-- I have to date an Asian man for people to take me seriously as a perfomer? Wow! Such a commitment to my craft!?! Bernard has never even seen me perform before and he already has decided he knows what my shows are about (apparently they are about how Asians have to date Asians in order to be "empowered"-- wow, am I that predictable?).

The nerve! The oppression within!

Is there a misunderstanding out there in webland because of my bigbadchinesemama.com site that I am against Asians and whites dating? That's ridiculous! I am against Asians girls and white guys dating if the guy bought the girl off a mail order bride site. Or if the guy is just plain lame and lecherous. But if the girl is empowered and the guy is respectful and progressive-- then power to the people! Let mixed marriage take over the planet! As long as the gal is empowered! Because obviously, dating an Asian man is not always empowering.

Asian men, you oppress me sometimes,

kristina

Hey look Bernard! It's me as the bearded lady dancing for white, Asian and even black people in the Carnalville peep show. I must wreak of self-hatred.

p.s. AAAAHHH!! It's the new white flight! The smart ass Asians are coming!