That's right fellas, step right up to the Wongster because according to tradition, someone needs to get down on one knee and marry my ass. I caught the bouquet at my friend Betty's wedding! Sure it involved a little kicking, elbowing and punching a la Barry Bonds homerun ball. Sure, I do admit that screaming, "No bitch, let go of it, I touched it first!" may have not have been in the wedding spirit... but I caught it and it's mine and now I need to get married.

Actually, ok, this isn't the bouquet. I lied. It's really the table decoration. I was like 10 feet from where the bouquet landed (as per usual). But Betty felt bad for me and said I could take the table decoration home because it looked just like the bouquet.

I've never caught the bouquet in my life, and actually really don't want to. Marriage is freaking serious. It's forever. Forever. One more time... FOREVER. You gotta live your whole freaking life with that person, and get buried next to them. You gotta have a life that fits theirs so perfectly because you have to see them everyday and you gotta have the vision to say, "Yeah, I could grow old and DIE with you." Am I the only one who thinks, "Whoa, marriage. That's crazy."

I used to want to get married. Back when I used to want to have a kid last year with those damn maternal instincts that my body kept feeding me. If you flip back through my blog you'll read how my neighbor Natasha read about these instincts I was having and offered to have me babysit her kids. After doing it once I was like, "That's cool, I'll just stick to babysitting." Natasha's husband was like, "Yeah, we thought that might knock that maternal instinct out of you."

After the babysitting venture, I realized that my romanticized notions of babies and marriage were really Montel Williams-esque as I could only imagine marriage up until the end of the honeymoon, not the decades and decades after that. And I could only imagine having a baby that I could drag around in public to show off to my friends (not the 4am nursings, the tantrums, or having to drop it off at school everyday).

As Margaret Cho says-- I now ovulate sand.

It's kinda nuts because some of the friends I know who got married really young a few years back are now divorced. Everyone kinda saw it coming because they were so young at the time and they seemed like such rushed engagements. But of course, nobody said anything at the time, because nobody wanted to jinx them. But you know everyone was thinking the same thing-- "Don't they know that shit is forever?"

This is not to knock any of my friends who are happily married. And this is not to knock marriage. Many of my friends are in great marriages. Wonderful marriages. Marriages that make me go, "God, I sure am lonely."

Marriage can be great for some people. But, I can't even imagine it for myself right now. Even my grandfather told me not to rush into it and to learn my own independence and take all the time I need to find someone. He said I'm special. :) He was married at like 19 in an arranged marriage in China. He didn't meet my grandmother until the wedding day. That's nuts to me that this is how people got married then. Luckily my grandparents really got along. If I was in an arranged marriage in China 70 years ago, I probably would have kicked the crap out of my husband in the first week or ran off like Auntie Lindo did in the Joy Luck Club. Unless it was an arranged marriage to Rick Yune or something-- I probably would have hung in there for the you-know-what. But Rick Yune is Korean, so unlikely we would have been set up together in an arranged marriage in China.

Anyway, it sure was beautiful seeing Betty get married. She was looking so gorgeous in her dress. She cried happy tears through the vows and some of us cried with her because we were so moved to see her with someone who was such a gift to her. I really like her husband. She brought him to my first show a few years ago and he managed to not get freaked out by me even though in the show I was making weird noises and covering myself in paint/theatrical menstrual fluid. Betty was the first person to get me blasted drunk in college. Our friend Mike was the first to get her drunk when she was in college. So that makes Mike my booze grandpa. Me and Mike had a great time being unmarried people at our table during the reception by making Betty kiss her man every five minutes, drinking as much wine as possible and a I did the kickworm in my skirt, unknowlingly revealing my white undies to Betty's family who were seated behind me on the dance floor. There was a guy at our table who drank so much he barfed right onto the table. That was kind of funny.

It's weird when your friends get married. Especially because I still feel like such a kid. When my friends get married it reminds me that I'm getting older and moving into new places in life too.