Since my last update where I complained of all these Asian fellows who wouldn't put out for my completely insane "Asian Male Endowment Empowerment" Photo story that I was pitching for Playgirl's humor issue, I've received all sorts of great and strange IMs from Asian male friends I forgot I had and emails from total strangers who want to pull their pants down for me in the name of revolution.
Some of my guy friends demanded to know: "Hey!! How come you didn't ask me?!"
It's unfortunately too late to get in on the photo shoot. The story will not run. Alas. Too late. Your chance for emasulation emancipaton--over. Next time open the door when Opportunity knocks.
But I did enjoying responding to these emails. The best email was from my friend. Let's just call him "D."
" ...Thanks for letting me take the cold hard look at the worth of my own soul, though."
And some guys offered to come over to my place so I can take the picture myself!
"I'd be willing to send you my pictures or come in for them to take pictures. "
And nobody gave me exact "sizes," but I sure got a lot of vague adjectives. Like "ah well, let's just say I'm average" or "I'm proportional to my height" (someone needs to publish exactly what "proportional" means!) or "nothing to write home about, but it could work."
Boys! Boys! Stop already! You're overwhelming me with all this information. A fragile and innocent girl like me can only take so much.
Anyway, I am thinking with all these wonderful Asian guys crawling out of the woodwork and want the world to see their jojo that perhaps I will pitch a story chock full of naked Asian men for a future playgirl issue. It will be those Asian guys you see day to day-- your lab partner, the bank teller, the doctor, the dry cleaner--- EXCEPT NAKED!
Wouldn't that be hot?
A giant butt plug is no laughing matter.
Anyway, you'll be happy to know that I am still of use to Playgirl. I am captioning their funny photos in their humor issue. Well, more like, adding captions to outrageous sex toys like this...
At first I thought this was going to be lame assignment, but as you will read below, it was a real writer-ly challenge....
The Task: Look at pictures, Say something funny.
They sent me links and pics of sex toys. All of them totally nuts. Like this penis cage thing (Don't click on the link if you don't want to see a penis in a cage!).
For a good hour, I'm at home on my laptop staring at these horrifying sex toys. This dildo that's like one story high and these other rubber things that I can't believe people find ways to get inside of themselves and for the life of me... I can't think of anything to caption these photos.
These toys are absolutely ridiculous and my mind is BLANK as to what's funny to say about them.
I'm staring at this monkey vibrator with sunglasses and I'm freaking out: "There's nothing funny about this vibrator!!!!" and then the head sized butt plug-- "That's the most serious-not-funny-butt-plug I've ever seen."
It was in that moment, when I was looking yet again at the penis in the cage, unable to think what smarmy comment to post of it, that I recognized what a sham I was as a writer. If I couldn't come up with one smart ass thing to say about a purple 4-foot dildo, then I had no right to call myself a writer. Ever.
I beat myself up in frustration.
But something inside me, from deep within my soul said, "No Kristina. You are a writer. You can find something funny to say about the horsey butt plug. Just trust yourself. Trust your instincts as a writer. Look inside, to your soul. What does it say?"
It was then, that my writing spirit had permission to play. And play it did. Connected deeply to my nutured writer soul, I churned out those funny captions to the butt plugs and penis cages in less than two hours. You'll have to pick up Playgirl in March to see what they were.
Thank you writing muse of funny sexy toys.
(By the way, a lot of readers seem to not understand when I am being melodramatic, sarcastic and stupid. So you know, I just was being that above, even though it really happened.)
Later,
kristina