|
12.17.04-- Kristina Wong is not sexy enough for Canada. Denied. After the elections I had this great vision of immigrating to Canada like many of my friends. In "Bowling for Columbine," Michael Moore had painted Canada as "the promised land" for lefty artists like myself. Free health care, unlocked doors, arcade games but virtually no gun deaths. And I've heard rumors from my artist friends about unions Canada has for gallery artists, big financial support for their filmmakers, and gay marriage-- yahoo! So, remember a few months back when I was bragging about how this Canadian TV show came to my house to do an interview with me for their documentary show about Asian American/Canadian Sexuality? I was pumped. This was a chance to be featured outside the US. To get my name into an international market. To really blow up and get some network tv "legit-ness" to my name. My chance to be the shit. I was so impressed that Canadians were taking on such a seemingly obscure topic for a half hour show on national network TV. They were making a documentary that Americans have to scrape grants together and go into credit card debt to produce. And to boot, I was going to be an "authoritarity subject" on it. "Hand me a maple leaf!" I said to the crew as they left my house. Well, oops, I spoke too soon. More like hand me the white-out bottle. I shouldn't have jumped and said in my PR materials that my work has been "featured on Canadian Network TV." Because it hasn't. I was told last week by the show producer that I was cut completely out of the documentary. I know why I got cut out of the documentary, too. They had interview subjects like Midori, the bondage queen, and Darrell Hamamoto, the Asian-Am professor turned porn director. They had sex workers and artists who flash way more skin than me. All of these people were superbly more sexy subjects that the lame performance artist Kristina Wong, queen of bikes and webmama of the uber-lame-in-comparison bigbadchinesemama.com. I couldn't compete! My dressing up as Miss Chinatown is funny but... there's no penetration! I hit myself hard on the head after I hung up with the producer. There went my shot to go international. There went a great credit that could have gotten me a grant or two. There went my shot to catch the eye of a hot Canadian who would marry and rescue me from this American existence. There went a gallery show I could have had up there. There went there went there went.... But what if I did the interview differently? Maybe I should have come out of the closet just for this documentary. Instead of skirting around words to label my sexuality, I should have picked some really juicy easy-to-read label and offered it up to them. Maybe they would have used me if I declared, "My name is Kristina Wong, and I am bi-sexual, and everything I say represents all bi-sexuals." Maybe when I accidentally slipped about very personal details about my lame college love life, I shouldn't have squealed immediately after, "No! Judith! Can you cut that out? I don't want people to know that!" Maybe I should have let them know everything (even though, there ain't much). Maybe I should have invented details about my sex life. Told them I was hustling at 13 or that I swing on the weekends. Maybe I should have put a vibrator in my mouth inbetween answering questions. Maybe I shouldn't have made them take b-roll of me riding a bike. What they really wanted to see was me licking my cat and talking about how I'm into beastiality. Maybe I should have done the interview naked. Maybe I should have licked my fingers inbetween words and talked about how much I like rope, instead of spouting off feminist theory like I did. Maybe I should have just made my interview simple and say "the white man is bad and Asian women are exoticized" instead of trying to talk about how complex race and sexuality really are. I was boring. Too theoretical. They wanted more sex from Kristina Wong, not more dork. And unfortunately, I was too dork. So? What is Kristina going to do so she doesn't fuck up her next big interview? I'm off to answer every ad in the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist and I'm also going to start my career in porn! That way, the next time Canadian TV comes by my house, I'll be ready for them!!! Wish me luck!
|