Cardinal rules for talking to Customer service people

1. NEVER YELL: Contrary to popular belief, yelling insanely, verbally abusing customer service people, making death threats, and screaming "I'm going to sue you!" doesn't get you anywhere. Crying scores little points too. It makes you look ridiculous, especially when you have no reason to be screaming. And they can tell if you are faking it. Now if your frustration is actually building up and coming from an orgranic place, then go ahead and yell if you heart so feels the need to and you have a real substantial reason to. But it's not how to start off a call and always a last resort.

2. MAKE THEIR JOB EASY, AND THEY WILL BE EASY ON YOU: Think about it, these people spend about eight hours a day in a cubicle listening to people complain about all sorts lame cell phone problems. Anything that remotely resembles human contact is welcome. They are paid by the hour, and welcome a short conversation even if it is something inane like "Hey that's my best friend's name!" or "Isn't your name the name of a famous actor?" or "What state are you in anyway? How's the weather there?". They welcome the break from complaint after complaint. Sometimes, I like to go into it and talk a little then say, "Ok, well, let's talk cell phone business, I promise, to make this easy on you..." Buddy up to them. They will appreciate it.

3. IDENTIFY WITH THEIR WORKING CLASS ANGST: Mostly likely, the person you talk to has a Masters in Anthropology or a Phd in Philosophy that they are now using to readjust cell phone bills. They are smart, underpaid, working class people just like you and you need to identify with their working class angst before talking to them. They are just like you, family people, mothers, fathers, someone who is trying to get by and do great things with their lives. Do not talk down to them, do not tell them how "when I drive in my Mercedes, my calls to the country club are dropped"-- think of it as you are both members of the proletariat secretly banning together to free yourselves from the man.

4. DON'T COME OFF AS WEAK OR DEFENSIVE EITHER: Just because they are your friend, doesn't mean they aren't going to take advantage of the part of you that looks like it will walk away easily after hearing "NO" for the first time. That inflection at the end of your sentences will come back to hurt you and YOUR WALLET. It reads WEAKNESS. Be firm, but not cold. That squeaky little girl voice of yours doesn't work either.

5. DON'T BE AFRAID TO HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN: Sometimes you hit a "Brick Wall" persona. Don't be afraid to say "Ok, thanks" then end the call quickly and see who you get next. Don't argue with someone who you are pretty sure won't budge. End the call quickly before they have time to make a notation in their computer than you called in for a freebie. When you call the next person, you can tell them that you were just talking to customer service when, ironically, your call dropped.

6. CALL AT THE END OF THE SHIFT: My service's Customer Care ends at 9pm, I always call at 8:50pm. Most likely, this late at night, they are tired, want to go home, are not very alert, and most importantly, their supervisor has stopped listening in on their calls. If you call during the day to get your bill adjusted--FORGET IT! Those people are at the top of their energy and are ready to verbally battle you, plus the calls are being monitored and they can't give you any freebies if they know they are being monitored. If you have 24 hour customer service, call late at night and casually ask when the shift ends, then call back at that time.

7. GET THEIR NAME AND REPEAT IT BACK TO THEM: This is a technique they use in the corporate work place. It's always nice when someone knows your name. It's nice to hear your name said. And use it during the call. But it is very important to do it casually, not like someone who says your name back as a business formality. It also makes a nice point of conversation to get the call rolling. "What a nice name" or "That's a great name. Who named you?" breaks up their day and makes them feel good right before you go in for the kill.

8. DO NOT COME OFF AS HIGH MAINTENANCE: This goes back to the working class angst stuff. If you are talking about how your friends were at a party and tried calling you, or you were at a restaurant, or anything that indicates even a peck of privilege-- you will lose points. And you definitely will not win sympathy. Stories about how you are a college kid who is struggling to find a job and that's why you use the phone or how you use the phone to call your ill grandmother are more interesting and make you look like someone that they would like to help. But don't play pathetic either. They can see right through that.

9. HAVE SOME FUNNY STORIES/ ANECDOTES READY: Customer service people love hearing funny stories because it connects them to something human. If you can get them to joke around with you so you laugh, that makes them feel REALLY good. Come up with some real or fictional stories about your shitty service and dress them up. But position yourself as a working class person (which you are). Example, a while back, I didn't realize I was being charged for text messages and told this funny story about how I have this terribly obsessive person who keeps trying to call me and I text message him back because I don't want to deal with him. The customer service person was sympathetic, amused, made some jokes, and credited me for all those charges and then some.

10. BE ARTICULATE. PROFESSIONAL, BUT NOT A WORKING STIFF: Unfortunately, the people who do not fair very well in getting credits are those people who say, "Hey, just hook it up dog. Yo! Hook up da free minutes" or sound like they are calling from the middle of a dance floor. DON'T WHINE. Like I said before, don't yell, don't demand without reason. Just be a likeable person. And come across as sincere, but not a pushover.

The Different personas of customer service people and how to deal with them.

Just like how a casting director knows within the first five seconds that an actor walks through the door whether or not he/she is good for the part, you will know after hearing "Hi, this is your customer service representative, my name is _______, How can I help you today?" what persona your customer service person is, and how to deal with them. Listen carefully, and break down their persona in the first few seconds then deal with them accordingly.

I've conveniently broken them down to persona and approach method for you.

THE SMARMY (HORNY) EX-FRAT BOY ALWAYS LOOKING TO SCORE*
Usually this guy is the 20's to early 30's guy who has his feet up on his desk and is IM'ing his football buddies while talking to you. He doesn't give a shit about his job. He gets away with 20 minute breaks, instead of 15. He even tells everyone in the break room that he's just here temporarily and that this job can suck it. He just wants to get through the work day doing as little work as possible, so he can go home and either watch football, masturbate, or drink beer... or a combination of the three.

APPROACH: As a woman, I find that this personality tends to be the EASIEST to talk down to a discount. In fact, on several occasions I have talked my balance down to zero within the first minute of talking to this persona. Consider it a score if you get this guy on the line. You have no reason to NOT get a discount with this personality. Go in like a friend. Say, "Hey (his name), how's it going? How's work?" If you are a girl, put your flirty voice on and ask things like "So (his name), are you glad the day is almost over for you? Anyway, I know you've been dealing with these lame calls all day, but do you think you can handle a few questions from me?"... AND THEN GO IN FOR THE EASY KILL!

*Alternately, this persona also comes in the version of an out of shape 50+ single man who lives alone and has asked every young woman in the office out, and has been rejected every time. He will never quit this job because the opportunities to meet women are too great to pass up. He also has an ad on a dating site, where he uses a picture taken 15 years ago. Approach him as you would the frat boy. Also, there are some women who fit under this category who don't give a crap about the job and can be approached similarly, except less flirty, more friendly.

THE OLDER WOMAN WHO HAS NOTHING ELSE TO VALIDATE HER EXISTENCE IN LIFE EXCEPT THIS JOB
Most likely this is an older woman who is a single mom or a young grandma, who is very lonely in her age and if not for this job she'd be at home ALONE. She doesn't do anything but work. She goes home and watches TV, and her life is very very lonely. And her work is the only thing that gives her pride. She comes to work on time, decorates her cubicle to a T with pictures of her grandkids and cats. She wants to take care of her customers. In the break room while everyone else is talking about life outside of work, she will talk about different calls she handled-- because this job is her life.

APPROACH: This persona is easy to deal with, but hard to get huge discounts from because she doesn't want to lose her job (because the job is her life). Tactic? Feed her pride. Make her feel even better about who she is. After iniatiating a conversation, let her know, "Hey _______ , you have a great phone voice. Usually most people I talk to when I call have rugged and grating voices. You should do voiceovers." Then approach it gently, "So... anyhow __________ I didn't want to have to call, but I wanted to let you know that I think my service could be better..." AND THEN GO IN FOR THE KILL!

THE WOMAN WHO JUST GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE AND IS HERE IN THE "MEANTIME"
Like the ex- fratboy, she doesn't want to be here. But it's been a year and a half already, and she's still here. And she will be here for about two more years. But this is her job. This is what she does. She knows the ropes and she can outfox you. And when she goes home, she just wants to watch Sex in the City, curl up with a book, and see what job opps come her way.

APPROACH: Do not come off as whiny. Do not come off as abusive. Do not come off as too stern. If you are a woman it can be trickier to deal with this persona because she secretly resents other women who seem to have a life that she doesn't have because she's been stuck at this job. The best approach here... buddy up to her! Joke a lot... joke about bad service. Have a sense of humor about it. Don't be melodramatic. Ask casually for credits and free minutes. And be logical by being able to point out dates, times, and history when you call in for a complaint. Sound informed.

THE NEWBIE
The newbie is very slow. You will notice when it seems to take a very long time to pull up information. When you can hear them reading off a script. When they seem to fumble a bit around the computer. They started working only a few weeks ago. They are still getting the swing of it. They want to do their job well. They want to come off as competent.

APPROACH: The problems with newbies is they don't want to screw up. And they are so glued to the script they have and the flow charts on how to handle each situation that they may talk right through you and even ignore your concern altogether and give you a canned answer. It is your job to help the Newbie. Guide them. Don't let them guide you. Let them know that you've called customer service many times, and this is how you've always dealt with the problem. Let them know that "Audrey (the fictional last operator you talked to) did this for you." Keep in mind that they have a record of each time you called, so don't make up too much stuff. If possible, bring up other friends who've gotten things, like your friend Kristina. GUIDE THEM. SHOW THEM THE LIGHT.

THE SISTAH
The Sistah is a complicated breed. She can be totally tough on you and even flip you attitude or she'll slip you free minutes on top of zeroing out your balance. It's all a matter of finding out where her button is and pressing it gently. The Sistah gets her hair done every two weeks, has two inch long manicured nails. She has fellow sistahs at the workplace she gossips with at break and she likes to show off pictures of her newest boyfriend to all the sistahs in the office. In between calls she will put her headset down, rotate her neck, flip her hair back and announce, "I do not have time for this shit right now."

APPROACH: You must identify with her working class angst. The Sistah is a stylish woman, she demands respect, she deserves respect and if the world was a perfect place, she would be a big time music artist. You must be a sistah too. Break her down a little by saying "Hey there, _________ , how's it going?" Tap into her working class angst further. Be upfront and friendly, "I know, I have a job like yours too, and so I know what a pain it is to have to deal with these calls, but let's make this easy." Give her the stroke. Be sincere. "You have a great voice, did anyone tell you that? Do you sing?".... It's tricky, you have to intersperse the call with a lot of "stroking" and really relate to her as much as possible, let her know that you are just like her, and watch as the freebies unfold.

THE BROTHA
See "Sistah" above.

Approach: If you are a woman, you can also try to use the approach I recommend for the "ex-fratboy".

THE BRICK WALL
This customer service person is usually a woman. She's tough outside of work. She scares everyone in the breakroom. She doesn't take shit. She's terse, she isn't swayed emotionally by how your bad service has affected you. She's firm. She's a nightmare for you because she will not budge. Some customer service people have their "Brick Wall moments" but you know this one. You can see her when you hear her voice. She's a big black woman who's tired of your shit. She's a white lady who smokes three packs a day and doesn't care whether or not you take your business from them. He's a man who's voice won't falter.

Approach: Try to buddy up to her/him. Break her down a little with some conversation and sound friendly. Sometimes the Brick Wall is actually a "Sistah" or "Older Woman who has Nothing Else to Validate her Existence on Earth Except this Job". If you think it's a bust, end the call quickly before they make notations on your account and call back and hope the ex-fratboy answers.

REASONS TO ASK FOR DISCOUNTS OR FREE MINUTES

You are locked into a contract, and would like to leave... since you can't leave, you get a comparable plan or discounts until the point when your contract ends, plus back credit for the months when you would have liked to leave and paid too much for your service.

Your calls are dropping. That costs you time.

You just didn't realize that when you plan changed you would get charged for the things you did.

You upgraded to a new phone as part of the "renewal" but there was a surcharge on the phone you want to be reimbursed for. (This worked for me, when I talked to an "ex-fratboy" customer service guy.)

Your service is just out and out shitty. Find out if a cell site is down. Usually that is guaranteed refund territory. If you find out how long it is down for, you can call back and get refunds until it's fixed.

You got a big discount last month and still having the same problem, get the same discount this month.

POSSIBLE SCRIPTS/ APPROACHES/ PLANS OF ATTACK

"Oh, I didn't know that."

What? You've been charged for roaming? You've run over your minutes? You've been charged to text message? You weren't told that when your plan was upgraded, you thought that you had what you had before. Gosh! You are so confused, and upset over this (but not in an angry or melodramatic way). See if there is a plan you can switch too, and if in this switch, they can reverse the charges from the last bill. Or promise really nicely never to make that mistake again, and see what they can recommend to keep that from happening. And... can you be credited for those mistakes...

"Now let's make this totally impossible to understand me"

It's late. They are tired. And they don't want to be digging through your past bills. Going through line item phone calls. Listen to you talk about this and that. This is a technique I have used on several occasions. Have several bills in front of you from different months. Tell them you have dropped calls and have them look at call you that you have "highlighted." Sound totally confident and logical in your approach, but have them do way too much work and thinking by offering them a task that is totally illogical. Talk them in circles, make them flip back and forth from bills adding up things, counting tax amounts, until they think to themselves: "This is totally insane. I have no idea what she is talking about. Screw this, it's late, I am just going to give her credit."

"I'm leaving you. I want to know how to leave my service."

I have been wanting to leave to T-Mobile and called my service to tell them that. They got immediately concerned. Turns out I am locked in contract until July. I told them what T-mobile has that my service doesn't and asked for them to match that service and price in the meantime and that maybe I will consider sticking with them after July. It worked. I also gently asked if they could "throw in" some free minutes to make up for for the calls that were dropped. Got some of those too.

"Well you did it last time." or "My friend just called half an hour ago, he had the same problem, and told me I should call."

Back in my glory days when I used to go months at a time without paying anything for my service. It was as simple as taking control of the call and saying, "So, I realize that the cell sites are down, and that's why the connection is bad. Last month the operator told me that I could get a credit in X amount until the cell sites were up again, so I was just calling to get that credit."

"There has to be something we can do about this. I feel like the service is not worth what I am paying for. And I find myself calling every month about this. It's a lot of time I have to take out for this call."

How to respond to things that they say.

"We are not allowed to give anymore credits in this account."

This is bullshit. Customer service people just have to hit delete and poof! Your balance is gone. You can mention that your friend Kristina called and was able to get her bill sliced in half for the same problem. There has to be a way to credit back my minutes. Even this call is costing me time and I am frustrated that I feel like these problems are happening every month and they only get worse.

"We already gave you minutes/ free stuff and can't give you any more."

Well, there has to be something they can do about the service. Tell a few funny anecdotes. Get on their good side. Even try the old... "I think you are trying to be tough because I know for a fact you can give me just a little more credit that that. My friend just called in and encouraged me to do the same because she knows how bad my service is. Now let's go through this bill together."

"We don't credit for dropped calls."

One response:

"Well, if you look through my bill, you will see that there is a job hotline that I call a lot. See that number that's called a bunch of times. I have to call it so much and listen to the hotline from the beginning because there is no function to go forward, so each time the call drops, I have to call the line from the beginning and listening to it all over again, from the top. It's a lot of time. And very annoying."

Then proceed to make the customer service person pick through months and months of bills, staring at phone numbers, adding minutes up.