Vince said something really sweet to me after watching my video blog: "You really got something here."

I said, "Really? All I did was talk about poo."

He said, "But you did it with heart."

So like any party people would do on a Friday night, we decided to do some videoblogs together. I'm posting the first of three blogs we did tonight.


So, here is the first one we did. It's humble. It's us. The worlds biggest losers on a Friday night in Los Angeles.




The last two videoblogs (not posted) descended into a long revelation that Vince is a ubernerdo pedophile into model making who will never get laid. The last two blogs we made also demonstrated that I am doomed to die alone with my knitting. Vince was like, "I'll never get laid if you post the second and third ones."

Trust us, the blogs we're not posting got pretty lame and pathetic, especially the last one where we talked about "hobbies."

Well, I put in the time and now I give up... but for good reason, my very first attempt at doing a video blog explains it. Woo wee! Technology!





Please be nice, I'm not wearing make-up, I haven't eaten in five days, and I've never done one of these before.

I was so tired and hungry last night I curled into a ball and fell asleep. I was looking at pictures of food online and feeling sorry for myself.



Jin sent me the above picture to motivate me through another 5 days without solid food.

Why do I actually find myself very jealous of this woman?

I also read this blog entry and SAM WOO in Chinatown is on my list of places to go when this is over.

I think I am going to do a my first video blog entry later today! I don't know what I will talk about but if you care, email me some questions and I will answer them on my next entry which will be a video! (k at kristinasherylwong dot com)

Yeah, so um. Here I am at Day #4. God, I can't wait for this shit to be over. Yes, the fast too.

My friend Jin has the flu and we were emailing about all the foods we are going to eat when this crap is over. Our list includes Ethiopian food, greasy Chinese food, and Ramen. I never crave Chinese food, so this is insane. I'm taking food appointments. Anyone want to join me when this is all over? Anyone want to watch me reverse the benefits of my fast in one meal?

So freaking sad. I opened up my kitchen drawer today and started to read all the Chinese menus. I was reading each dish and imagining eating them. I was going to cry. I'm really craving these chow fun noodles that I get on Noriega Street in San Francisco. It's from this restaurant called JUMBO and the noodles are chow fun with rock cod and greens. It's not on the menu. I saw someone eating it and asked for it. It's so good and it's less than $5. It's enough to feed two people.

Oh, god, food paralysis.


Other than that, I am making little progress on my new show. I can't wait to go to Austin where I will kick that baby into shape.

Imagine this coming out of my ass. That's all you need to know. I won't say anymore.


Well I'm in Day 3, I still miss food but when my friend Pete was like, "Think about all that stuff stuck to your colon that is getting eliminated", I was like, "Woo wee! pass the syrup!"

It's kinda nice to have so much energy. I don't have that post lunch sleepiness. And I feel really light.

I frantically wrote a one minute monologue last night to use today for an audition I had at CBS where you only get one minute to show them what you got. I really suck at auditions where I have to just talk and talk and talk and not interact with people. I kill in live performances but when it's a room with a camera and three people staring at me and I don't have all sorts of props and lights... I really suck.

So I wrote a monologue about how Asian Actresses with hipster glasses have become our own cliche genre. It was decently funny. I did it for Leilani and she was like, "Why don't you do Mrs. McFeely instead?" Mrs. McFeely is my crack smoking postal worker character that has surfaced in excerpt showings of this new show. I asked, "Really? Should I do her?" So I fooled around and did a minute of her and Leilani was crying on the couch laughing so hard. And I was laughing at doing her. So I chucked my monologue and found myself doing Mrs. McFeely for these surly folks at the CBS audition. I started rambling as Mrs. McFeeley about the Master Cleanse. I ended the monologue by eating a lemon, rind and all. I think they were just kind of horrified and confused by me more than anything. Oh well. Maybe Hollywood just isn't ready for me.

But it's ok. I'm going to be on a commercial for Lovecraft that will play on the web. Yay, if my talent won't make me famous, at least the car will!


Anyway, even though my body feels happy, my heart is sad. Lots going on in my head. Anxiety about this upcoming show. Ugh.

I never thought watching someone eat noodles on a janky youtube movie would make me want to kill someone for a taste of one of them. I don't feel as hungry today. i just really miss food. I just made a fresh batch of lemonade and am anticipating the infamous Day 3 when all sorts of uglies from years gone by come slowly crawling out of me system.


Today I got some work done planning for my trip to Austin where I will workshop Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I also am figuring out some details for my reading/show in Michigan where I will pretty much present a full length version of this show.

Oh man, it's getting down to crunch time with the planning of this show. And being hungry as hell isn't helping. I wish sometimes I could just be a stand up comedian. It seems so much easier than what I do. At least as far as setting up a gig. I have to worry about flying technicians and props and all that kind of crap.



So how West LA cliche is this? I go down to Trader Joes today to get more lemons and maple syrup (it's finally in stock) and while at the check out a woman sees my basket and says, "You're on that diet aren't you?"

I tell her how on Sunday all of the stuff I needed to buy was out of stock at TJs and she laughs.

In the parking lot a man came up to me and said, "You were in the paper weren't you?"

I flip my hair, but in a hungry kind of way and say, "Why yes, that was me."

As I drive home, I can smell my exhaust and want so badly to pull over, put my mouth over the pipe and get a taste of whatever chicken or whatever had been frying before in that oil.

God, I can really sense food. I can smell it from blocks away.

My tongue is white. It's kind of scary. My taste buds are numb.




Ok, back to this life. This life without food.

OH MY GOD I AM SO HUNGRY. I'VE ALREADY MADE A MENTAL LIST OF ALL THE THINGS I WILL EAT IN TWO WEEKS. THEY INCLUDE CASHEW NUTS, THAI FOOD, TOFU AND STEAMED BROCCOLI, ROCK COD, SUSHI, BURRITOS, and AVOCADOS.

I'VE DRANK ABOUT A GALLON AND A HALF OF THIS STUFF TODAY.

OH MY GOD, HOW MUCH LONGER? HOW MUCH LONGER?

My friends have been doing this fast called "The Master Cleanse" periodically over the last few years and for some crazy reason I decided that instead of spending all the money I do on groceries and eating out that it would be an awesome way to clean up my intestines and save a ton of money. Oh man. I'm only chugging on my first thing of lemonade and I already feel hungry.

Here's what' the mix consists of. I have to do this for 10 days, but because I can't eat really crazy complex foods as I ease off the fast (ie "don't eat steak and eggs" as soon as I get off fast), it's more like the next 12 days...

Maple Syrup
Lemon juice (from lemons)
cayenne pepper

An optional salt water flush with sea salt and water

and a laxative tea


Since I am working in LA the next few weeks, it works well. It also helps that I am working from home because apparently being close to a bathroom mid-fast is really imperative.

Geez yikes. I got a feeling this blog ain't going to be pretty come Tuesday.

If I get hungry, I'm supposed to just drink more lemonade.


This isn't necessarily saving me much money. I had to go to bed bath and beyond last night to buy an electric juicer ($27). And then I went to Trader Joes, but I swear, everyone must be on the cleanse because there were no lemons, no cayenne pepper, and no maple syrup anywhere to be found. So I went to Ralphs and spent $27 to get lemons to last three days, syrup to last only about 3 days and pepper to last the whole fast. But after this, the lemons and syrup is all I need.

Yay crazy person on a fast!

Do I look like I could be this girl's mother?

I've been in LA way too long. I went over to Reagan's place today. She's my old director and she just popped out another baby girl. That peach baby blanket in the picture above, was crocheted by me for her. Visiting them was the weirdest thing. Her older daughter, Hero (yes, that's her name), was totally walking and talking to me. And she had a real complex memory of people she saw that day and the foods she wanted to eat. She's not even 2 years old and she's talking and talking. Whole sentences and big words like "avocado" and "hair." My jaw was on the floor. I was like, "Wow, I can't believe she talks. Is that normal?"

And at one point I said of Hero, "She looks like Jon Benet." I don't know that the parents appreciated this or if they thought so too. I guess that it might have sounded as silly as "All Asian people look alike." I think from now on, I am going to tell all white parents that their kid looks like Jon Benet, and see what faces they make.

I was watching Reagan feed the baby and watching Hero use a fork to eat eggs. Holy moly. People have kids. I mean, this is something humans do. They reproduce and have families. They make little versions of themselves using DNA and stuff and feed and clothe these little babies, and those little versions of them grow older and become cranky adults.

Families. People actually still make these things. In Los Angeles. Well I'll be damned.

Give us a name!


I'm trying to come up with a name for my next performance workshop for women of color. The last time I taught a workshop in 2005, I called it "VPL: Visible Performance Lines" to specifically play on the initials "VPL" which can also stand for "Visible Panty Lines." Somehow in my panic of putting the grant together super fast I thought this was a brilliant and subversive name for a workshop. ("Oooh! we don't care if you can see our underwear! We are badass women!")

Yea, nobody got it. Even after my explanation before our workshop showing. It illicited a few chuckles, but my vision for the feminist movement went kaput.

I put the grant application in again to teach another performance workshop for women of color in 2007 and in my application called the workshop "Fierce." Even though, I was kind of groaning about the name of the workshop. "Fierce" is a way overused word by young feminists.

But, I got the grant!

I'm still able to change the name of this upcoming workshop. So I asked my past participants to give me names for this workshop. Marcus' idea is that I find some latin words for parts of the vagina and call it that. Ugh. I don't know that any of these suggestions from my past participants work either...


Vagina Catalog
Boobs on Stage
pHerformance
(because it's made strong enough for a man but pH
balanced for a woman...not really. just like
saying it)
Herformance
Running Like Girls


Anyway, here's a new contest! Name my new 2007 women of color performance workshop and I will send the winner a handicraft!

Email your suggestions to me at k AT kristinasherylwong DOT com

I have been asked to write two more articles for Playgirl today! Yay. I'm a paid journalist! One article I am writing I cannot tell you about (too embarassing) and will be written in a pen name. The other is a travel column about sexy places for sexy people and sexy things that happen in LA (because they can't afford to fly any of their journalists to LA).

I'm so lame I had to email my friends for suggestions of sexy places in LA to go to and do.

I've lived her for ten freaking years and these are the most romantic things I've come up with so far...

Merkato, an Ethiopian restaurant on Fairfax
Palms Thai, where the Thai Elvis sings
Highways Performance Space
The Museum of Jurassic Technology


Man! I'm freaking lame! These are all places I just ate at last week or go to on a semi-regular basis. They aren't romantic. Who am I kidding?

Can I seriously try to convince millions of readers that my life is really that sexy by just naming the lame-o places I go to on a regular basis as places that are the sexiest places to go in LA?

I might as well say VONS and my apartment are a Casanova's paradise.



I swear. I'm sexy. I swear.

I was at VONS just now getting Kitty Litter because Oliver peed in a pile of my clothes and I took that as a sign his litter needs a changing.

Anyway, I pull up into a space in my awesome pink car and my friend Payam pulls into the space next to mine, totally surprising me. Turns out he saw me coming off the freeway and he thought that he'd follow me all the way to VONS.

And then this guy comes up to me out of nowhere and says to me in the parking lot, "Hey, you were in the paper weren't you?"

"Why yes, yes I am that awesome person. Yes."

And then I went into VONS with Payam and got that silica crystal kitty litter and it was supposed to be on sale but didn't ring up as being on sale. And the cashier wouldn't budge. So after I paid full price I made the manager look at how the litter was on sale and he gave me the litter and a FULL REFUND in cash.

Hell yeah. Being famous rocks.




I also wanted to let everyone know that I am in love with a 43 year old white man who is divorced with a kid. And his name is Clam and he looks like he jumped out of a 50s tv show. Look at his site and see what I mean. I am so stealing his show and calling it "Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

Why are the kids reading this book like a platoon of soldiers? To a metronome beat?

So, i haven't written all week because I have been struggling with how to forgive. How did Jesus do it? He like turned a fish into twelve fish like David Blaine, had people drink wine like it was his blood and eat wafers that were his body, killed off the first son if there was no lamb's blood on the door, told Adam and Eve to put some clothes on, beat up Goliath, and then said, "let's go save the Iraqis by bombing them?"

Is that right? I forget.

For someone without cable, I sure have managed to keep up with a totally trashy tv show. I drove 20 miles to Diana's place last night to watch Flavor of Love 2 last night. I'm so into Flavor of Love, I'm messaging with 13 year olds on IMDB about it.

Help me.