Here I am in my little unibomber shed in Austin, babbling about getting a sugar daddy so I can retire from performance art and become a pro knitter, creating a happy show on a depressing topic, and other crap. Well, at least my top is falling off. That will keep you watching.


I'm warning you... here's about 13 minutes of your life you won't get back...

Part 1:



Part 2:

I was looking for yarn on Craigslist Austin and somehow in my odd wandering found the link to this site...

http://www.seekingarrangement.com/

Basically it's a site for folks looking for a sugar daddy or sugar mommy. And you can put in how much money you want each month.

"Hell yeah!" I thought as I went through the FAQ section. I can get some dude to spoon out $3000-5000 a month for me? WOW! That's more than any grant ever!

Well, my mother can relax because I went through it and the guys are gross and all the "sugar babies" up for sale are all "internet models." I can never compete. Plus... those goddamn morals will never let me do this.

There is no free lunch folks. Back to work.

Katie Pearl is amazing. We turned my mess of ideas and ideas and scraps of performance and its and bits of one liners into this...



What is it?

It's an outline for my show. And it gives me so much clarity. it looks like some kind of unibomber manifesto with all these post-its pinned everywhere, stray ideas on little squares of paper tucked under this and that. Especially when pinned up in the walls of this small shed that I am currently typing madly away in. But it's the clearest picture I have of what has been a mess of a show to create.

It's great. We've found ways to combine knitting, psych pamphlets, burlesque and my family's anonymity within the scope of the whole show.

It was great to be buzzing around with ideas and energy. To really be cooking. It was this intensity so deep that I needed to get up and pee but felt literally like my ideas might "spill" out of me if I moved too far from the table.

So after we made the outline, what did I do?

I went to her apartment and watched Project Runway and crocheted this...



It's a long long ass scarf. (Bring my show to your city and I'll make you one or give you this one! Promise. I'm the queen of crafted bribes.)

But yay, finally I'm cooking. My job is to stay focused and really be true to myself in making this show. I'm trying to keep it Wong.

Greetings from Austin, TX!

I landed here yesterday. I'm sick with a cold. And I'm desperately trying to pull this show together with Katie Pearl, a director out here who help set me up in this lovely shed in the back of an Austin playwright's home. I haven't even gotten to meet Steve yet, but he's oh so generous.



It's quite heavenly. It must be what it's like to have a real residency. Just enough room to think and sleep and respite.

It's nice here. Here's the tour...


Here's my desk where brilliance comes forward.


Here's where I take a crap.


Here's where I sleep and listen to crickets.


Here's where I knit and think.


Here's where I put my clothes.

Anyway. It's weird how this is smaller than my apartment and yet I feel I can get way way way more done.

It's odd having clarity.

Last night I collected over 6 mosquito bites INDOORS at my friend's house. She told me her brother got the West Nile virus in Dallas. WTF? Where the hell am I that people get West Nile?

Anyway, other than that, I have no complaints. I am writing a travel article about "sexy things to do in Austin" for Playgirl since I'm out here anyway. But my priority is really getting this show together, so I literally feel like almost every place I end up might end up in that article! (HEB Grocery mart anyone?) We're going to do a public showing of what we come up with before I leave so that when I do my show in Michigan first week of November, I feel that much more confident about this show.

Yay for non- scary parts of Texas!

I don't know anymore.


http://www.dailybruin.ucla.edu/news/articles.asp?ID=38302

Well, here are some video blogs I made back-to-back on Friday night. Man! Am I exciting.

Here's Part 1, talking about writing grants and doing a mock jury.



Part 2, talking about guest teaching at UCLA.



Part 3, talking about possibly being anemic, and how I learned to knit.




TODAY, With San visiting from NYC, dragging her into my web of lameness.

It was brought to my attention that Margaret Cho has put me as one of her top 10 friends on her myspace page.

Everyone is like, "Is this a joke?" "How did it happen?"

I don't know how it happened. But go look at it and admire in my famous by association listing! Before she takes it down!!!!!

http://www.myspace.com/margaretcho

What a day I had yesterday!

It started with a bike ride with my friend. He's divorced with two kids. We rode the beach and back. I asked a question, "Do you think you could live alone or do you need someone in your life?" And he was like, "No, I don't think I can be alone forever." I wasn't picking up on him, just asking a question (by the way). But it was profound in that sense that it got me thinking about how much people need love in their lives. Like Barbra Streisand sings, "People, who need people are the luckiest people in the world."

So later that day I was in a commercial talking about my car. It was so silly. I was in this silk dress (that they let me keep!) and I had a flower in my hair. I didn't look like Kristina, but like I should have been doing the luau show at the Waikiki Hilton. They also had shots of me oiling the car and washing the car (yes, in the silk dress). I think I looked kind of grumpy washing the car because I was trying to not turn the shot into a wet t-shirt contest and we had to angle stuff funky for lighting sake so I was really tugging at the hose. But anyway, that will be on the web or somewhere soon!

THE MIDNIGHT SCREENING OF "THE ROOM"

The later than that evening, I found out there was a midnight screening of "THE ROOM" in West Hollywood. If you don't remember my earlier posting about watching this movie on a rooftop of New York, I was totally hooked by this "awesomely bad" movie. Apparently people scream and dance and do all sorts of stuff during the movie and Tommy Wiseau makes a live appearance! This is so great because most people are not sure if Tommy Wiseau actually exists and if he is human at that.

I called so many people to come out and watch the movie with me. And nobody was around or was interested. It was really depressing. And it made me feel so alone. I was like, "Oh man, I have no friends."

But then Yi said she'd come watch it!

It was so fun, all these "THE ROOM" nerds with big boxes of spoons to throw at the screen.

And then, my heart dropped when who else shows up outside the theater but Tommy Wiseau himself!!!



People went nuts and I ran out of line and ran after him, screaming his name. TOMMY! TOMMY! I didn't realize how loud I was and the whole line looked on. But it was totally worth it.

But he came down and took a couple of pics with me. He even kissed me on the cheek. Which I did not solicit.


This pic is after he kissed me. See my expression?


Yi was having trouble with my camera.


The screening was awesome! Easily one of the best things I've done all year. It also got me out of such a place of depression and I felt alive again. This audience was hilarious. There were so many diehards there who caught things in the movie that I never noticed the first time around. I totally enjoyed this a million more times than Rocky Horror which I still can't follow and don't really get what's so exciting about it (besides an excuse for straight boys to dress in drag).

The Q & A with TOMMY at the beginning was unreal. I couldn't tell if it was scripted or what.




Anyway, only five minutes into the movie I was coughing laughter and doubled over in my seat. It was just that much fun. I can't wait to go again and below I've compiled a list of things to do if you ever go to a screening of this wonderful, awesome, awful movie.

Things to do during Midnight Screening of the Room

During the Q&A with Tommy...
- Ask him if he read the article in Spin or Variety and what he thought about it.
- Ask him where Denny is or Mr. B is.
- Ask him what he thinks art is. No matter what his answer, cheer for it.

During the movie...
- Clap to slow music during love scenes.
- When Lisa turns over and her back is covered with rose petals, scream "LEECHES!"
- You can moan and groan when Tommy is doing Lisa in her stomach.
- Scream "Focus!" when the movie goes out of focus and "Unfocus!" during love scenes or close-ups of Tommy's butt.
- Bring plastic spoons and everytime that picture of utensils in the living room comes into frame, throw it into the air.
- During the chorus of the song that goes "you are my rose," repeat it over and over.
- You can also slow dance in the aisles during the slow jams.
- Anytime there is a shot of Alcatrazor a character behind banister railings is shown scream, "Alcatraz!"
- During any "establishing shots" of San Francisco you can say "Meanwhile, back in San Francisco!"
- When Denny enters and leaves a shot scream, "Hi Denny!" or "Bye Denny!"
- On the long shots of the Golden Gate Bridge chant, "Go! Go! Go! Go!" and cheer when the shot finally pans to the other end or scream "Alcatraz!" if it ends on Alcatraz.
- When Mike (the Ryan Seacrest looking guy)leaves the scene, scream "Seacrest Out!"
- When there is a scene with guys tossing the football to each other you can scream, "Go long!" and play a small game of catch in the theater (just don't be more than three feet from the person you are playing catch with).
- When previously unintroduced characters show up at the house ask aloud, "Who are you?"
- Everytime Mark mentions that Johnny is his best friend count ONE! TWO! etc-- depending on when it is mentioned.
- When Mark comes into the room with a tux and shaved make "ooh aah" sounds like Saved by the Bell.
- Everytime Lisa's mother tells Lisa she needs Johnny for some kind of financial support scream, "Because you are a woman!"
- When Lisa's mother says she has breast cancer or Johnny offers one of his signature lines ("If people would just love each others the world would be a better place") break into thuderous applause.
- When Michele and Lisa are talking, a weird bump comes in and out of Lisa's neck, so you can scream every time you see it pop out.
- Every time Lisa asks a question or whenever possible, see how "pizza" can be the answer and scream it out.
- When Johnny sees the two women in the living room he asks "Is that a new dress?" but neither of them are wearing dresses. So scream back, "Neither of them is wearing a dress!!!"
- Everytime the mother kisses her finger and then places it on someone's nose, scream, "You got cancer!"
- When Johnny plants the secret tape, hum the mission impossible theme song.
- When Denny gets confronted on the roof with "Where is my money Denny?" scream "It's behind the green screen!" (This one was mine!)
- When Lisa unpacks food for the party in front of Melissa, scream, "CARBS! CARBS!" because that's all she's pulling out of the grocery bag.
- In one scene Denny enters behind a seat and awkwardly sits behind it to have a conversation with Lisa. Before he sits down on the floor, start screaming, "Have a seat Denny! We have a seat here for you! Have a seat!"
- When Johnny kills himself at the end (sorry for the spoiler!) he closes and reopens a box with the gun in it. So scream, "Close the box! Open the box!" when he does this.
- When Denny sees the dead body, he starts to lean into it like he's going to go down on the corpse. So start screaming, "There's only one thing that will make it better Denny!" And right before the end credits scream, "Suck that Cock! Suck that cock!" because as the three mourn over Johnny's death, it actually looks from the camera angle like they are giving him a bj.


During the credits...
- When the credits for Tommy Wiseau's personal assistants flash (and he had FIVE), chant out "ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE!"