This was a blog entry that I meant to post over the weekend. But here's my story about last Friday night.

AURGHH!!!!!!

Was it Ghandi or MLK who said "Practice non-violence?"

I agree for the most part with practicing non-violence but as of last night would like to request an edit...

"Practice non-violence. Except in the case of stupid, dumbass, exploited reality tv stars who are dumber than shit. In which case, it is ok to kick them in the balls repeatedly."

The workday week ends for Hollywood Wong. And what an odd week it's been. I am on the road so much that when I do get to spend whole chunks of time at home doing LA things. Like auditioning for tv shows and loafing about the Santa Monica Promenade.

Living in LA lately is like a reality show.

In January, I got a ride to LAX from two contestants of "The Pick Up Artist" only to get picked up by a real pick up artist in Miami.

And last night, my friend Mitsu and I were having dinner at this really bad frat boy-ish bar next to Old Navy on the Santa Monica Promenade and saw Ashley, one of the contestants from "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" at the bar. He was the archetypal "dumb cowboy" kicked off for "falling for Tila too quickly" and started a fight that put him and another guy in the hospital.

Ashley said during the first episode, "I've never dated an Asian girl but I sure like Chinese food."

Yuck.



Yuckier.

MTV rewarded Ashley's violent behavior by putting him on a spinoff dating show "That's Amore" where the Italian guy, Domenico, who Tila eliminated, gets a chance to find his own American sweetheart. And Ashley is his dumb wingman hick of an American cultural informant.

Great, I'm really glad they are letting this guy near more women. And putting him in a position of authority.

Mitsu and I are watching Ashley at the bar. He's doing tequila shots and being boisterous like a guy who stars on a reality show and believes he has eclipsed the importance of the world.

And I'm thinking: This is so sad. He really is as stupid in real life as on television.

Of course, you cannot judge someone's intelligence by their behavior at a bar. If you tried to gauge my intelligence by my history of bar behavior... well...

So being the OPEN MINDED, trashy reality dating show obsessed uncredentialed anthropologist I am, I said, "Mitsu, let's sit closer by him so we can see what it is he talks about."

We pull up in the seats next to him and even without trying his friend starts introducing us. Ashley starts to throw his arms around Mitsu and says, "Come with us to the next bar. Let's party."

It was like a bad after school special, except if the actors were retarded.

I say, "No, we have to go. But good luck with your show and stuff." I'm totally polite and nice.

I turn around to leave and then it happens.

He grabs my ass!

I don't know about you. But if someone grabs my ass and I didn't ask or invite it, my instinct is to turn around and knee that doofus in the balls. Which I've done before (years ago) and that's exactly what I did in that moment.

I guess he's used to a lot of girls trying to kick him on the balls because on almost perfect reflexes he blocked my kick.

"Ha ha! You tried to kick me in the balls and you missed." And then he stood there laughing at how clever he was.

Honestly, if I did not see this guy beat the crap out of another contestant on Reality TV and got both of them sent to the hospital, I would have really fought back. I was so fuming mad and went back in for a second ball kick. And then a third.

Each time, he blocked me.

Mitsu had to pull me away because I was screaming, "Don't do that!! Don't ever do that!" and creating a bit of a scene.

And then in the parking lot I was screaming, "I should have slapped him! I should have really went for it! If he wasn't so big and wasn't around all those men, and didn't beat a guy up on reality tv, I would have KILLED HIM!"

It really sucks to feel so powerless around a stupid violent man.

Anyway, I'm over it. I watched Project Runway online and forgot how mad it made me.

What does this story say about men and women? Where are the nice respectful men in this world?

They aren't on TV, or Reality TV at least. Do they exist?




All I can say is. Thank you Ashley, for yanking out my lesbian side.

Labels: a shot at love with kristina wong

The Photoshop sham that is my headshot?

I just had a callback for the commercial I was "scouted" for. In my last post, I described being scouted for the role I was apparently born to play.

The role was a frumpy Chinese waitress with lots of pimples.

And it's been a funny story and all, but I can't help but think from people's reactions (veering more on the "Well that's Hollywood for you" rather than "What! You are gorgeous! You aren't frumpy and ugly Kristina!") that maybe I am a really really really ugly and horrible looking human being.

I mean, I was able to laugh it off AT FIRST, but I'm feeling from people's reactions, and this whole experience with these commercial auditions, coupled with enough bad awkward girl memories to fill a lifetime--- that maybe I really am that ugly looking person and have yet to embrace it.

And here I thought I was hot all these years. Here I had thought that I had a decent rack, nice body and a great smile. Was I wrong? Am I an ugly person?

As I drove back from the callback and looked at my reflection in the rearview mirror, I had the most horrible thought in the world.


This is the most horrible thought in the world...


"I am so ugly. I do not deserve to be loved."


Then one by one. I got flooded with more terrible thoughts and horrible memories. Maybe my mother was right when she told me as a kid that I should be on the radio, not TV. (She's long since taken that statement back, btw, and is fully supportive of my career.) Maybe I will die alone and unloved. Maybe I'll never be in a relationship again. Maybe my true calling is as the cat lady persona I keep mocking ironically. Maybe I should change careers and work in a dark room, alone, where nobody would have to look at me. Ever.

Because I am so hideously homely.


It's such a horrible feeling to look at yourself and feel like you can't be loved. Because everybody deserves love.

EVERYBODY. The frumpy and the pimply included. Do you hear me!? We all deserve love!!!

I shook myself out of this funk pretty quickly when I realized that there will always be someone who loves me.


"Hey! There's someone who no matter what, will cheerish and adore me!"

And that someone doesn't care if I have a frumpy day! Or get a pimple!

I smiled to myself in the mirror, that old familiar smile when I realized that someone in life does love me.

Who will always love me for who I am do you ask?


Gross and creepy old white men with large collections of Samurai swords, with a sizable Asian fetish, who jerk off to Asian porn and go on sex tour trips to Asia!

They will always find me beautiful and love me!

Yay for them! They will always love me. No matter how frumpy or pimply I get.

Come and get me fellas! Here I am!

Labels: a shot at love with kristina wong, cat lady, dying alone, hollywood wong, loser, losing my mind in los angeles, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn

TRUE STORY.

So yesterday, I was in my audition technique class (because I'm Hollywood Wong now, don't you know?) and the class takes place at one of those casting studios which during the day is used for auditions and at night used for classes. And the teacher has us go into the lobby and work on our sides ("sides" are parts of the scripts used for the audition).

And I'm just sitting there marking up my sides and these two casting directors suddenly appear in front of me. They start to whisper "Yea! She'd be perfect!"

Here's how it played out.

CASTING DIRECTOR: Excuse me?

ME: Who? Me?

CASTING DIRECTOR: You in the blue sweatshirt. Are you around tomorrow to audition for a commercial?

ME: Uh, yeah. Of course! I guess.

CASTING DIRECTOR: Great! You' d be perfect! Wouldn't she?

(The other casting director nods in furious agreement.)

(My two classmates are shocked and jealous at my luck.)

CASTING DIRECTOR: Good, let me give you the details. You are perfect!

ME: Wow, thanks! I can't believe I'm being scouted like this (I laugh.)

(She begins to write auditions details on a piece of paper for me.)

CASTING DIRECTOR: Ok, so you are going to go to our casting place on Melrose tomorrow, don't wear any make up. You you are going in for the part of a frumpy Chinese waitress with lots of pimples. See you tomorrow!

(End Hollywood Story.)


Finally, my calling. My home in Hollywood has arrived. I so badly wanted to ask, "Are you sure you don't have any roles available for halfway decent looking sweatshop workers?"


And then, part II of my strange Hollywood yesterday.

I'm outside of my audition technique class talking to my classmates about another audition I have at SONY tomorrow, one of my classmates is like, "Hey! That's Yehya! He's on TMZ.com. He's a celebrity photographer who runs alongside the paparazzi. There must be celebrities nearby."

This is Yehya.



Basically, he's a handyman by day and takes photos with celebrities at night for fun. And now he's like a counter-culture celebrity. He's so sweet. He was waiting outside not for me, but for Eva Mendez who was eating at the Madeo Restaurant which is next door to our class. He gave us a slide show of all the Oscar Night celebrity pictures in his camera.

So he was a good sport and took pictures with us. And it's funny that he really sometimes cannot remember the names of the celebrities in his pictures and yet has spent the last 20 years just trying to take pictures with them. It's so odd to meet someone so good spirited with no jaded Hollywood roughness around the edges.







Wish me luck on all my big auditions today. I also have a meeting at UNIVERSAL. It's going to be one of those camping out in Hollywood days where will have eight changes of clothes in the car and will eat along the way.

Yay! I'm happening!

Labels: hollywood wong

I found this girl Mandy on VH1. She's like my twin!!! Or at least, I think she's adorable. Like me.

Labels: a shot at love with kristina wong, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn, Vh1

The Creative Capital deadline is coming up and more than a few artists have been asking me for help. You guys! I don't really know anything about grants. I just apply for a lot of them and some come back to me.

It's nice when people think you have the magic touch. But really, it's just perseverance. I've written many many many grants. And I get turned down for a lot. Grants are like auditions, except there is more logic in who gets them-- but like auditions, it's also random who gets them.

I think I'm losing it. I'm tired of the haul it takes to get work as an artist. (Have I not mentioned this a hundred thousand times?) I'm sitting on a grant panel in two weeks and am getting a nice stipend to sit on the panel. But then I got the grant binders from the foundation! Whoa! There are like over a hundred applications in a stack that's 8 inches thick! I have to read each and every page of this! Blech. My stipend is well earned.

Today the REDCAT Now Festival application was due. I started it late last night and decided to use it as an opportunity for creativity. I'm tired of trying to prove my post-post modernism and how I'll save the world in one fell performative swoop, I decided to enjoy writing every word of this application.

From now on, I'm writing grant applications that are fun to write and read!

Here's a sneak peak at choice bits and pieces from today's REDCAT proposal narrative for the presentation of my new work--- "CAT LADY!"

"'Cat Lady' is a 20 minute performance piece intersecting the personas and rituals of cat ladies and male pick-up artists to create surreal moments of human isolation."

"...cat sculptures that are spoken to throughout the piece like old familiar lovers."

"My first golden shower..."

"I frantically sniffed all the cushions in the house..."

"As I slowly forfeited to Oliver's fecal violence..."

"dangling hairy lymph nodes..."

"The cat lady. Was that mythical persona of the unmarried woman living in the lonely world of filthy catdom becoming my reality?"

"...an animal psychic who came well recommended by our lesbian friends."

"...my set as a menagerie of cat sculptures made of newspaper and felt..."

"...i speak to them, dance with them, and enact my own obsessive compulsive thoughts..."

"...life alone..."

"...attempt real connections with the audiences and my cats..."

"...concurrent to Oliver's urinary woes..."

"...struck by his boyish eagerness..."

"...post-modern gold..."


For all you artists who keep asking me to send copies of my proposal or grant applications to you, feel free to plagiarize all of the above!

THE END.

Labels: artist life, cat lady, cat pee, chocolate rain, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn., the pick up artist

What a trip it's been in Austin. It's been so nice to be such a celeb pants out here. My second show was tonight and the houses have been full! So nice to come to a town and think about the performance and not flyering the town to get people to come. They've done a great job of bringing in an audience for me and letting me be an artist. The people in Austin are such a great audience and it makes me feel excited and like the future is bright.

This town is amazing. I'm adding it to the list of cities I will move to (so far, Miami, New Orleans, and NYC are on the list, also Portland).

Austin rocks! You can buy a condo for 140K!!! Shoot! I can put a down payment on my credit card. THAT'S CHEAP!

(compared to LA)



YAY Austin! This motel they got to sponsor the festival is cute as pie. It's right on the hip stretch of South Congress, each room has cute as pie bedsheets and each room is different theme.



The motel cat keeps this place country.



My friend, the famous playwright Alice Tuan, flew in a few days ago care of UT Austin who had her "contextualize" my work during an open Q&A for a theater class today. It was such a privilege. A "contextualizer" flown in to talk about my work?!!? I am not used to having a whole audience of attentive grad and PHd students listening to me and my esteemed colleague shoot the shit. I felt a little bashful about all the attention. Really, I did!


One more show tomorrow and I return to LA life for five weeks! So much more to say, but I'm exhausted.

Labels: artist life, austin rocks

What a week and another crazy one ahead. I played Santa Barbara last week to standing room only and was pleasantly surprised by their standing O. And the discussion after the show was really great. It's super nice when the questions are so eloquent and are more about the craft and less about my finances and personal life. It makes me feel like I'm doing something meaningful.



The best part was getting up to Santa Barbara with Isaac teching me is we discovered a little stop called "Summerland" where we stopped to eat a bite.



I was like "Yay Isaac! We are on a workation!"



And we drove back to LA right after the show because I had work the next day. I went from deeply intelligent serious mental illness talk to playing a Japanese Harajuku girl in this internet short that goes live next month. It was fun and I got paid!

The irony of LA living.

I am headed to Austin today! I got my boots on!

Labels: hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong, vacation?

New Crafts
I haven't been knitting much lately if you have figured it out from the blog. It's been nicer on my wrists and now I don't feel like I'm going to have carpal tunnel by age 30. I brought much of my yarn stash up to my parent's house where it's hiding much to their chagrin. I'll knit again, but for now I'm taking a breather. I am making a lot of these felt dolls though. I can stitch a doll up in about 40 minutes while watching TV. They make nice thank you gifts. Here's a stash I made for folks in Miami and at CBS.



I make them out of reclaimed felt and the stuffing is from an old pillow. Yay for green crafts!

Cuckoo's Nest
I am in Santa Barbara tonight staying at the "Faculty Club"-- the campus accommodations. I have a show tomorrow. Yay! What a great way to spend Chinese New Year-- talking about suicide and depression! It's been about four months since I've last done Cuckoo's Nest and I swear it's a lot harder for me now than it was a few months ago. It is beginning to feel like a pair of pants I've outgrown. A lot has to do with the great reality that the depression/mental illness topic doesn't seem as impossibly elusive to me as it first was when I was trying to tackle the show. Also, I've done the show so much that it's sometimes unreal to me. I also don't knit as obsessively as I once did, and my body is changing.

So Nurit and I have been reworking parts of the script, finding more places to tighten and slice.
It's fun when we figure out those moments. It keeps it fresh.


New Show
Even though I swore I wouldn't make any more performance art shows that were a pain in the ass to tour, I've been dreaming up a new show that will be a pain in the ass to tour. I'm working very slowly on a new piece tentatively titled "The Cat Lady" which will be about being a cat lady, pick up artists, dry humping, reality tv, Ross Dress for Less and look at bigger issues of human isolation. I imagine now having newspaper cat sculptures all over the stage that I talk to intimately.

Yeah, not autobiographical or anything.

I'm actually not interested right now in touring it or thinking too big about what I'll do with it. For once, I want to make a show for myself that is not overtly save-the-world-esque, is not aimed at furthering my career, and instead, is really for me and nobody else. I think touring Cuckoo's Nest for my livelihood has turned this "love of theater" into a whole other monster. Artmaking becomes so different when you rely on it to pay the bills.

I want "The Cat Lady" to be my return to what I love about my craft. An exercise in having fun as an artist. Not that Cuckoo's Nest wasn't fun! It was just really stressful to take on such a nutso issue for a show.

I just hope it isn't career suicide to expend energy and time on a piece that may have zero financial returns. If anything, will just cost money to make! But I really don't care tell you the truth. And I have faith that I'll be fine.

I didn't become an artist to be rich. Right?


Barack-- His middle name is Hussein?
Yay Kristina Wong for coming late to the party. I kept reading "Barack Hussein Obama" on blogs and stuff and just assumed that it was just people being racist a-holes-- but YO! That's really his middle name!

I think Super Tuesday really stunned me in how awesome Americans can be. For some reason I just assumed that most of Middle America was racist and ignorant, but maybe not so much if they are voting for Obama.

My boy Barack took Utah? And all sorts of other states where I never thought they'd ever consider a black president! And the whole "Hussein"/ Muslim connection of his name that you'd think would bother the most ignorant of Americans, has obviously not affected his numbers.

It gives me faith again in Americans... maybe we aren't as stupid as we seem!

How great it will be to hear that name "Barack Hussein Obama" when he takes the presidential oath. To see a black man, mixed race, who didn't come from money, a new generation of leadership take the white house.

It really truly will be the America we've been waiting for.

Labels: cat lady, cat pee, crafty, crazy, Obama is hot, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn., the pick up artist

"Mommy, before you became Daddy's mistress and had me, did you vote for him during that historic primary in 2008?"

"You see, Barack Jr. When Mommy was a crazy college lefty in 2000, she decided to register as a Green because she was so mad at the two headed monster that was the American political party system. She never changed her party registration thinking it was a nice gesture to help the Greens in numbers, not realizing that your Daddy would one day be running for President as a Democrat."

"You mean you couldn't vote for Daddy as a registered Green?"

"Nope, the Armenian senior citizens that ran the polling station in West LA wouldn't let her. Even though she pouted and begged."

"What did the polling people say to you when were given a Green Party ballot?"

"They said, 'Wow, you are only the second Green to come in here' and they stared at your Mommy like she was some kind of mythical beast.'"

"So who did you end up voting for Mommy?"

"Well Barack Jr., since it was pretty much a giveaway vote she almost voted for a candidate named 'Mad Max'-- because that sounded like it might be kind of fun... but instead gave the vote to Ralph Nader. And it bothers her to this day."

"So when those primary results showed Nader having six votes in California, does that mean one of those six was you Mommy!?!"

"Yes, much like the Oceanic Six. Your mommy was of the 'Too-Lazy- to- Switch- from- Green- to Independent- and- Gave- my- Vote -Unwillingly- to- Nader Six.' But after that day, she changed her party affiliation to 'Independent' so that it would never happen again."

"Mommy, can you explain health care reform to me?"

"Sorry honey, Mommy has to sing happy birthday to your father Marilyn Monroe to JFK style. Maybe later ok?"

Labels: Obama is hot

Take me big daddy! Take me!!

I've spent the day stalking Obama online. I never remember having a politician crush like this before. He's so dapper, so articulate, so handsome, so humanitarian, with such a warm humor. And the way he stood up after the LA debate with Hilary, and gently held the chair for her.

I just want to crawl into his lap while he whispers "HOPE" in my ear.

Obama's the perfect man!

My girlfriends have been telling me that to find the perfect partner, I need to make a list of what I want and send the list to the universe. And now I know what goes on the list.

Kristina's list: What I want in a partner
1. That he be Barack Obama.



Man, if he get elected, I'm first in line to be his intern!

Oh baby! See you at the poles tomorrow! I mean...polls!

Love, Kristina Obama-Wong

Labels: Obama is hot

Last night at a fancy function in Bel Air for Creative Capital, I heard about an Obama rally for women today at UCLA. And that's what I just came back from.

And admittedly, it didn't sound too appealing when I was first told about. I imagined myself standing out with a sign, screaming into the wind. Political rallies... boring. Right?

Wrong.

I never knew a political rally could be so inspiring. That I could actually find myself looking at a candidate and his wife as role models, as people who could give me the inspiration to live my life with more purpose. The way MLK Jr. or other great leaders have given our lives deeper meaning.

And OPRAH was there!

There's so much I felt being there. I was teary with excitement that this could be my country. That there was such things as politicians who walked their talk, and stood for things I never even imagined were possible.

Obama wasn't there, but his wife was. She's the most amazing orator. I found myself teary just listening to her. Is it LA of me to say, "I wish Michelle Obama was my life coach!"

Anyway, there's so much more to say of this inspiring rally. I think it will be most excellent when Obama becomes our president. He's freaking handsome. And he's brilliant.

That's why I made him my top myspace friend today.

Uh, only bummer is, I can't vote for him Tuesday. I forgot that I am still registered as Green Party (since 2000-- whoops.) Oh well, I urge the rest of you to check the B.O. out and vote for him. He's my new Ghandi.

Labels: Obama is hot

Finally, women of color can feel proud that their time has come. That women's rights are here. Again, for the third time.

Labels: reality tv, Vh1