Here's some really last minute notice but I'm telling a story tonight between 7-9pm pst on KXLU, 88.9 "The Mystic Pete Chronicles - Tales of Love and Madness." Streaming also online. It's a quaint little story about the time I got a Diva Cup stuck in me and had to call friends to help me get it out.

Classy.

Labels: dying alone, ice queen, moon, press

I know I'm like really old, but I'm also looking into getting adopted by Brangelina.



For those of you who are homeowners thanks to the financial help of your friends and family, I say, be so so grateful for what you have been given. I really was serious when I was saying that I have to do this buying a house thing all by myself. I wish I had financial handouts from my family, a sugar daddy or an inheritance in the foreseeable future.

But I don't, and don't want what I don't have to hold me back either.

Which means, I need to come up with a lot of money very quickly. Because baby, I'm going to be a homeowner in the next year before the market creeps up again. Plus home equity is the best guarantee anyone has at retiring with a key financial asset under you.

I started looking at Wiki How articles to figure out how to make money really quickly.

Here are some articles I found....

How to be an escort
(After some consideration, I decided against this. I'd suck as an escort.. hey! No pun intended....)

How to Save money
(I do most of this anyway, so this wasn't really helpful.)

How to Make Money Fast
(These ideas are really time consuming and lame.)

And here are some steps I took...

• Downgraded the text message plan on my cell phone (which only saves $60 a year... but still.)
• Swearing off all purchases for the next year.
• Signed up for this Black Friday special at ING Direct which gives me $121.
• Opened an account on Mint.com so I can start to manage my finances in an easier way.
• Writing people who owe me money to pay me back.
  
  I'm considering canceling my health insurance ($228/month-- Jesus!) since I barely use it, and when I use it, it seems to cost me more than the $35 co-pay. But for now, will hold onto it. Though I'm a pretty healthy person and wonder how much I need it.
  

Anyway, I'm a tough girl. I'll figure this out and I actually do think I can do this. If I have kept myself alive and thriving as a performance artist the last few years, the buying a house thing is going to be easy in comparison.

I'm blogging about this journey because I think a lot of artists don't feel it's possible to do things like this on your own. But it is. Or at least, I'm going to pull it off. And I'm going to outline my process the whole way. Plus making this journey public is going to make me accountable.

These are going to be a fun string of adventures in my blog. And the great end result is that I will hopefully have a safe and wonderful place to live.

The American Dream.

Labels: Open House

Happy Thanksgiving friends! I come with great news! I intend on being a homeowner by next year!

I know what you are thinking...

"How the f$#* are you going to get a house if your parents aren't going to buy one for you? And by the way, if you haven't checked, you make a living as a performance artist!"

Those are minor details my friends... But I've been scrimping for the last ten years towards this moment, maintained excellent credit, and the not owning a car martyrdom has cut an $8k a year line item out of my budget (and would be an amount I can put forth towards a monthly mortgage). I've also figured I can sublet the place whenever I leave on tour. And it will just be impetus for me to work more.

Ain't no fire under your ass like a mortgage payment to get you up and going in the morning!

I'm starting a new blog series called "Open House" about this whole journey of looking and buying a home for an artist's lifestyle on an artist's income.

Last year, I went to Open Houses with my friend Timo. We pretended to be married and would tell these poor realtors that "you know, we are looking for a home to start a family in. Something under $2 million." These blogs will be more realistic as I have to look WAAAAAY under the $2 million range.

This throws a lot of the carless living into jeopardy. I'm looking for places that I can singularly afford. But also, ideally, a home near public transportation. Because I want to continue these creative explorations of Los Angeles sans car... AND I will need every extra penny towards the mortgage.

I am open however, to splitting the difference should the situation arise. Buying a less expensive place and a car to get me to it. This does make me shiver a little... The thought of being held down again by a car. I know, there is such a thing as a reliable car. And not all cars run on $5/gallon veg oil and burst into flames on the highway.

I just want to have my cake (the house) and eat it too (not have to drive 20 miles to get there).

I'm starting my search in neighborhoods I never really wanted to live in before... Koreatown and Downtown because the condo prices have dropped dramatically and they are both within the city and near public transportation.

Stay tuned for my Open House blogs!

Labels: Open House, Sans Home, The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles

If you know who this is, you are probably spinning in your seat like I was all of Saturday when I got to interview him for Kong Magazine's premiere issue. It's Greg Sestero, the hunk sauce actor who stars in the Cult Phenomenon "The Room." A movie that was written, directed, produced and stars Tommy Wiseau that I've been a fan of for the last few years. It's become the new Rocky Horror. The Room is one of the few live experiences that I've been to at least five times (lost count).

Kong did a really steamy photoshoot of Greg complete with super-fanesque shots of him in a bed of spoons and pouring scotchka on his bare chest. It was so surreal to actually meet Greg in real life and ask him "hunk-of-the-month" questions like, "So what's the most romantic date you've ever been on?"

We also shot and interviewed Branden Kong who was Tommy Wiseau's one time assistant, confidante, and stars in "The Neighbors." Branden is arguably, the original "Denny."







Later that night, we all headed to Orange County to watch the first ever screening of the Room. There was a smaller turnout than in LA and NYC where it tends to sell out. Tommy didn't come but Greg and Branden did. I ended up announcing them for the pre-show Q&A. It was so great and weird to be in front of these Room fans introducing Greg.



Greg threw the football around in the theater. What was even weirder was when I was screaming at the screen during the Greg/Mark scenes with Greg just a few feet from me. Greg told us that he hasn't really watched the movie in full for a few years and I guess he hadn't heard a lot of the audience chants. And in the dark of the theater he hugged me and whispered softly into my ear, "You're responses are great!"

(Hubba hubba! Rowr.....)

Labels: hollywood wong, wiseau

Hey everyone! This week I'm the featured reader on angry asian man.

Labels: press

I did it. Four DIFFERENT shows in one week. Two cities. And unlike Jesse Spano... NO NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!

I just got back from San Francisco. I presented my Carless Comedy show Sunday. Saturday was the LA Storyteller Festival where I did two different pieces. Then Tuesday and Friday, I did the "Whoring for Hollywood" show with D'Lo at the LA Comedy Festival.

The storytelling community is no joke. Imagine folks from a renaissance fair and like an audience whose median age is 65 all mixed together. I wasn't sure how this crowd would take me. They are so sincere and so into folklore and myths. And I just do the strange things that I do. I was programmed in the "Fringe Tales" concerts which was their way of saying, "Filthy, saucy, dirty stories". I kept joking that they should have named "Fringe Tales"-- the "Motherf*cking Stories!" show.


My whole family came out to see me! And didn't disown me after!

The adrenaline from NYC and doing five new shows in five days still follows me. It was a huge challenge, but I made it through this week and kicked ass each time. It feels so great.

How'd I get through this week? I just took it day by day. On Sunday after my plane landed, I worked furiously at my parents' house to tack on 10 new minutes of material to my carless show. I was wondering if the disconnect between LA and SF would make a difference, but it really was a hit. The San Francisco audience was with me even though I was talking about trying to get around LA. And can I blame them? Who else could tell this insane story of owning a money pit car that ran on vegetable oil and then it catching on fire? Followed by my stories on the bus. I got this topic on lock down!

THIS CARLESS SHOW IS KILLING!!!!

I'm dreaming up more places that this carless experience can take me, and already, opportunities to tour and talk about this are presenting themselves all over the country. I'm talking books, radio, panels, commissions-- it's endless where this can all go.

Jesus! Spending all that money on a shit car, almost dying in a car fire, and then going carless in Los Angeles is the best thing that ever happened to me!

I've been really fulfilling my recession year goal of creating as much new work as possible, not getting stuck in a creative rut. Nelson Mandela wrote books from prison... I can certainly make shows for any space. I hit a lot of post-partum creative depression when Cuckoo's Nest was finally "done" but I'm feeling so good as I look ahead and finally see that I'm going to do the work, not the work around doing the work.

Give me a concert hall! Give me a lecture hall! I can do it! And most importantly, I'm more in practice as an artist than as an artist than as an arts administrator.

I think life is lining up nicely. I've just decided to run forward and not look back. Who's coming?

Labels: The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles, veggie oil car, vision

Ok, I know that I was supposed to not blog or Facebook for a week. But I had my great bright idea already.

I'm not only giving up owning a car, but also, having a place to live in Los Angeles!

That's right! I'm going homeless! Yay!

Hear me out! There is logic in this horrible idea!

I tour so much anyway, that for the last two years I was wondering, "Could I actually get away with not having a lease somewhere?"

So, I am putting my things in public storage next month. And starting January, will be without an address of my own. I'm going to couch surf and see what address will come to me next. I'm going to float about, and see what it's like to have no tethers whatsoever.

It does help that I have friends everywhere that have room for me to stay, that all of January, parts of Feb, March and April, I'm on tour. Oh yeah, and that technically, I still do have my apartment in West LA (my cousin lives there but there's a couch with my name on it).

But yes! I'm going to see what it's like to live out of Public Storage and a PO Box! Hoorah! It's the kind of unstable life that I thought I outgrew 10 years ago, but heck, better late than never!

And best yet... what great material for the show! (yes, just like women trying out porn acting for a day is "feminist research"!)

Woo hoo! Who's got a couch? Because here comes the mooch!

Labels: Sans Home, The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles

The images in today's blog showed up when I google image searched for "nothing."


After a few conversations this weekend among friends, I realize how important it is to take a break from hustling so feverishly. Especially from social networking sites. I know, I know, blogging is good marketing.


I mean, I know that keeping up your tweets is all part of how we show that we're here and important.



But dude, I'm tired now of living life, then reporting on it, so as to keep people interested in purchasing me as a cultural commodity. And not all things need to go said. And people won't totally forget me if I stop blogging and updating FB right? At least for a week or two? I mean, will I not be able to make a living if my "pixels get old"?



I was reading in an article in the Huffington Post how to get your free time back. It recommended getting off of Facebook.


I'm going to take break from Facebook and blogging as I take a moment for some inner dialogue.


I also need to study my lines for the four different shows I have this weekend. I need to get situated in what I care about again.



There are four shows this week I'd like to plug. They are listed below.... If you want to know what's on my mind, come to the shows instead!

LOS ANGELES
November 10, 9:30pm
and November 13, 8pm
Hooray!!! Whoring for Hollywood!
Kristina Wong and D'Lo's Big Industry Showcase!
Acme Theater in Hollywood
LA Comedy Festival


November 14, 1:30-2:45p (the Quest) 5-6:30pm (the Journey)
Los Angeles Storytelling Festival
Culver-Palms UMC Complex, 4464 Sepulveda Blvd., Culver City, CA 90230
(Check website for ticket prices.)

December 2, 7pm
Mass Transit Themed Comedy Show
18th St Arts Complex
1639 18th St.,
Santa Monica, CA
FREE

SAN FRANCISCO
November 15, 6:30- 8:30pm
Kristina does carless comedy for "She Who Laughs Last" Fundraiser for SF WAR
(San Francisco Women Against Rape)
Victoria Theater in Mission District
San Francisco, CA
(Check website for ticket prices.)

See you when I emerge from this great big thought I'm working on by myself. Wish me luck.

Labels: the quiet i am screaming for

I find that great public transportation days will completely restore my faith in Los Angeles living. I had an audition in Hollywood Monday morning then was to shoot a short film in Woodland Hills later that afternoon. It was one of those hypothetical carless situations I've dreaded for so long... having to get from one place to god knows where in a short time frame.

I worked it out with the director of the short film to meet at her school in Reseda and she would take me from there to Woodland Hills. The schedule gets so crazy, that I don't shoot a lot of student films, but she sought me out from my website and was willing to chauffer me from Silverlake if I wanted... so who was I to say no? I decided it was ridiculous to make her drive down the 101 and back up, so I volunteered to see what this "orange line" was and if it was possible to get to BFE Reseda in such a short amount of time.

But it turns out, it's actually easier for me to get to Reseda from Hollywood than from Silverlake to West LA. The wonders of our underused subway! I'm a huge fan of it. I actually think I got there faster than if I drove the freeways. The orange line runs on this dedicated street called "Busway" where no other cars go. I got there and back in a predictable and reasonable amount of time. I even hit Happy Hour at Akbar with my friend Greg before cruising home. It was so... New York. I loved the novelty of riding the bus for convenience in LA!

Sure, there were some moments at the bus stop. The man with the adult diaper peeking out from his stained denim jeans who volunteered without solicitation "you beautiful girl." Or the older Latino man at Vermont and Santa Monica who mumbled "Chinatown" while pointing at my face.

As a modern woman, I should embrace any and all compliments! Even if they come from derelicts at the bus stop!

Ugh.


In other news.... I'm still looking for a name for this Carless show. And I'm taking your votes and suggestions... I can't seem to find anything as clever as "Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"

Here are some bleh ideas I had for titles:

The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles
Carless in LA (I find this too easy)
Car Porn (trying too hard)
Car Porn: My Love Affair with an Older Car



I put a call out on Facebook and my friends contributed these suggestions, notice how people tried to be helpful by beating the shit out of my last name...

• The Kristina Wong Show
• DMV... DOA...in LA!
• Post- Fire, Walk With Me?
• in my shoes, literally.
• "How Pedestrian."
• Wonging in LA
• B*U*S*T*E*D
• Grease fires; not just for kitchens anymore
• Soles on Fire: Wong on Wong
• "That's Just Wong"
• "That's So Wong"
• Walk This Way-
• When the Veggie Breaks"?
• "All last night sat on the veggie and moaned/ Thinking about my baby and my happy home/ Going down down down down down now"
• Like water and oil Kristina and cars.
• green fury
• Who's Gonna Drive Me Home, Tonight?" (you can't go on, thinking nothing's wrong)
• "I'm on the Highway to Hell"
• "Lord, Won't You Buy me a Mercedes Benz?"
• "I Can't Drive . . . 55"
• "It Ain't Easy Being Green"
• "Who's Gonna Drive Me Home, Tonight?" (you can't go on, thinking nothing's WONG)
• "I Fought the Car . . . and the Car Won"
• "Shitty, Shitty, Bang, Bang"
• "The Up In Smoke Tour"
• Hoofing the Wong
• Hoofing Wong
• My Greasecar Done Blow'd Up Real Good
• Grease
• I am sexiest at the bus stop
• Karmama
• For I Have No Car And I Must Scream
• crisco inferno
• Wok no Roll
• Without a Car in the World
• Bicycles and the Big Blues
• 'on foot veggie car kaput'
• Wong Turn
• BUSting Loose!
• Foot Traffic, Veggie Car Blues and other stories
• Pun Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, oops, wrong show....I mean, WONG show

I am liking the ones with song titles kind of built in. Any ideas for me?

Labels: The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles, veggie oil car

I have a new favorite website... REGRETSY.com.... They basically take the most tasteless craft offerings on Etsy and rip them a new buttonhole. I laughed out loud at the above item they found for sale. I'm afraid my sadass yoga bag from a pair of pants will hit their list should I ever try to sell it.

I also appreciated their commentary on this plastic bag holder that looks eerily like a Wilt Chamberlain flaccid penis. Not that I know...

It was a half-assed Halloween. I was a doctor for Halloween (or as I like to say, "My family's wet dream"). Seeing as that I am a living breathing year-round Halloween, I was so out of ideas on what costume to take on to the point that I contemplated doing what most adult women acting out on their unaddressed daddy issues do....stripping down to my underwear and saying it's a costume. But even that seemed too exhausting.

It was suggested to me: "Why don't you wear that crazy cop costume from Cuckoo's Nest"?

(I almost puked at the thought of having to wear a costume from a show.)

It was also suggested to me: "Put a fake penis in your pants and tell people you are Kristina Wong!"

(Bleh... That's so obvious...)

So I put on some scrubs and a lab coat. I don't know why I own such things, but I do.

I am in super turbo mode trying to crank out massive amounts of content in a very short amount of time. I basically am getting my ass handed to me from Nov 10-15 when I'm to crank out 4 different shows in like five days in two cities. I'm still riding the adrenaline from doing five original shows in New York across five days. I feel like I can still output at that level. As exhausted as I am.

Somewhere between all of this I caught this interview with porn starlet Jesse Jane (it was feminist research... I swear...) who describes how she has branded herself and creates a demand through "exclusive" appearances.



I got it all wrong it seems. Unlike Jesse Jane, I don't do just 6 or 7 contract films a year and then pick 6 or 7 clubs to exclusively appear at to make thousands of thousands of dollars. I'm like running around to every small and large theater across town, dropping my art pants for whoever will show up. And don't get me started on how insane my gigs are during API Heritage Month... that's like me trying to set some kind of gang bang record.

Nope. I've not been too good at the whole "aura of exclusivity" thing. It's like, I'm an amateur porn star who makes movies with a crap home camera, then uploads them for free on xtube.

Oh Jesse Jane, the art world has so much to learn from you.

Labels: artist life., crafty, crazy, crochet, crochet diy, losing my mind in los angeles, uck you, vacation?