kristinawong.com

Could I inflect any more in my voice? Geez.

2010-03-04T18:19:00.000-08:00

Greetings from Syracuse, NY where I've been an artist-in-residence since Monday night. It was a packed three days of lectures, workshops and a performance for a video art class. I also bought a "Bumpit" at the RITE AID to get down Snooki Wong style. But it wasn't as trashcan as I was hoping it would be.

Now I get on a Greyhound bus at 1:15am bound for NYC. I'm going to work on my Cat Lady play for a few days then go home to LA where I can pack my stuff up, close escrow on the condo, and move in already!

If I don't survive my 6 hour (ARGH!) bus ride tonight, please remember me by the above video which I totally just found by accident on youtube just now. It's from a youth TV station thing that interviewed me when I was performing in San Francisco last November.

Also, a radio interview I did here in Syracuse is online already!

OKLAHOMA!

2010-02-28T14:04:00.000-08:00

I emerge from my blogging silence in a hotel room in Tulsa, OK where the short version of the story is I had a helluva week. The long version of this week is reserved for a shrink's couch or tell-all autobiography. But in short, I'm no longer the nauseous home-buying mess that I was in LA. I'm feeling much better. I'm ready to face the world again when I close escrow in mid-March and enter life as a mortgage paying slave.

That is, if I can ever get home. I'm on the road for another week so I can pay for said new home. I head to New York tomorrow where my friend Ann, who was a recently eliminated contestant on a VH1 dating show is having me out to her school to do a lecture and performance! I know people in high places!

Contrary to popular belief, I did not "get killed" here in the Bible Belt. It is my first time in Oklahoma and I was so happy to be welcomed with these big banners downtown where my receding gums were on the display for the whole city to see!

Oklahoma is not a bunch of people in overalls and no shoes standing in fields with guns! They are people who love theater!

I did a public egomaniac dance in the street.

I took this picture of me on the festival posters on "Cherry Street" and a woman inside this studio ran out into the street after me screaming, "Are you the girl on the poster?"

The shows went so well. Some people asked me before I left, "Are there enough Asian women in Tulsa to come to your show?" And my response was, "I don't need an audience of only Asian women! White people love me!"

Kristina Wong is the new black! And Tulsa came out to my show! Only one older Asian woman came to my show. She was very sweet. An older Asian woman who put $5 in a Chinese New Year envelope and during the pre-show walked onto the stage and whispered, "Miss Wong? Happy New Year" and put it in my lap.

I never got to thank her. So I just wanted to let that lady know THANK YOU. It was very touching. THANK YOU!

Before Saturday's show we went to Pawhuska, an hour from Tulsa to check out the Bison.

It was like a road safari. We were able to see the Bison from the car. Many of them were just 20 feet from the road. Bison eat and shit in the same place-- what many would liken to a "workplace romance."

I avoided stepping on Bison pie! I have the rest of my life to step in shit.

Bedtime! Eastward ho!

OPEN HOUSE #4: Almost packing my bags...

2010-02-15T23:01:00.000-08:00

With some confidence I think I can announce that I've almost bought a condo!

It's not final. But I think.... soon I will be the owner of a lovely 1600 square foot condo. Two bedrooms and a loft. Hardwood floors. A washer and dryer, dishwasher and even a rooftop terrace for gardening. All mine.

Yes, it all happened that fast. And I can't even explain half of what I did or what happened, I've been in a daze of real estate terminology, home inspections, and handing over checks for insane amounts of money. I wake up every day wanting to vomit because this has been so overwhelming. The last two weeks has been a whirlwind of nausea. It really is stressful to think that every cent you've worked for still isn't enough to get you in the neighborhoods you really want to be in. And it's even more stressful to spend every cent you ever made all at ONCE.

But lord oh lord, is this finally the investment that I've been wanting to make all my life! I'm getting excited about trading in my IKEA furniture (which is already decomposing) and milk crate organizing system for real classy stuff!

I got priced out of Los Feliz, Silverlake, Echo Park. I did find some stuff within range in Chinatown and was kinda excited about the idea of brushing up on my Chinese as I move in with my people. Somehow I ended up finding this place in Koreatown which never dawned on me to move to, it's near public transportation, somewhat affordable and very central to everything in the city. I think I may stay here for only a few years, and either rent it out or sell and buy another bigger home in a few years. Property mogul and artist! YEAH!

I had a whole flood of emotional experiences. From visiting a condo in Chinatown where the owner (a very sweet woman) was dying of cancer and I was trying not to cry in her face as she told me she was going to go to a hospice... to going to a quirky tri-level unit in Silverlake that would have absolutely broke the bank and my heart because I just couldn't afford it... to looking at one super cheap unit across the street from the freeway and imagining the next few years of my life with the buzz of cars always in my conscious....

Home hunting been a very emotional ride. I had some moments where I thought maybe I should just give up. Rent forever. Wait for Armageddon and buy then. But that didn't seem right either. This was it. The Armageddon to buy in is the one right now.

If these next few weeks go smoothly, if all the repairs are done, I'll be headed towards my lovely new condo in Koreatown next month.

It's not where I'd imagined living. But I think for what my needs are and what my budget is, it's great starter property. I have one room I can rent out to a roommate. I have a loft for my office and craft activities, and a large bedroom with cathedral ceilings! I also can throw some nice dinner parties! If I have a roommate then my monthly payments are about the same as my rent now. Because it's a condo (my HOA fees are relatively low at $220 a month), it's easier to maintain and I can tour more without worrying too much about my home falling apart when I'm gone.

I appreciate all of you that have been so optimistic and encouraging. I also appreciate all the private emails people have sent with advice. It really is a whole other ballgame to be on this side of the fence. It's not an easy process, but I definitely think in the long run, it's the way to go.

Fingers crossed. This is one of my big life's goals, and I'm finally making it a reality! I've worked so hard to get here, and I am proud and know I've earned it. I'm a grown ass woman now.

I've learned some things about real estate.

1. If it's been on the market for a while and is priced cheap, something is wrong. It probably is a major fixer upper or located in an undesirable area. Good stuff in Los Angeles usually gets snatched fast! (My condo was on the market 4 days when I made the offer.)

2. Learn to write a "love letter" to woo the buyer. Luckily, I write grants all the time, so I whipped out the most convincing love letter of why I was most worthy to move in and the buyer chose me of all the offers! Go me!

3. Get a good, thorough and hungry realtor. It isn't enough to have a friend with a real estate license. Someone with thick skin who can bully up with the rest of them. It's a tough business and I never realized how hardcore these realtors can be when doing these negotiations. They have to move fast!!!! I have a great realtor named Ella who is younger than me and was so on it! She sometimes would be up at 1am prepping listings for us to check out. She was also super thorough and would know how to get tough.

4. Get a time machine and buy property in 2002 or 2003.

5. Short Sales are a slow and frustrating strategy to buy. Short Sales take months to go through and usually go for way more than what they are listed at because the low listing cost is to provoke bidding wars. I almost made a few offers on short sales but realized quickly I neither had the patience nor the actual money they would end up selling at.

Brian Feldman Marries Anybody

2010-02-12T20:41:00.000-08:00

I got a little teary watching this clip of my friend Brian marrying a total stranger as his way of showing how ridiculous laws barring gay marriage are. Why can two straight strangers marry but not a loving gay couple that has been together forever? Why aren't they entitled to the same rights?

If anything, Brian's gesture a great satire of weddings. Why do straight people commit to one person FOREVER? Why do straight people get married so fast? Why do straight women get into these legally binding arrangements with straight men they want to father their kids when these men will probably change and disappoint them down the road or have anger and anxiety issues? (I'm totally projecting from my last relationship, but I'm probably right.)

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day! I'm spending Valentine's Day closing on a my first condo (details to come as this becomes a reality!) and making out with my wife. See below...

"If you can't love yourself, how the hell you going to love anyone else?" -- RuPaul

Marriage is for a bunch of freaking queers.

2010-02-09T21:44:00.000-08:00

Brian Feldman will marry ANYONE! from Concrete Lion Pictures on Vimeo.

I take a break from the nauseating task of trying to buy a home in LA, to share with you the latest brilliant project of my friend Brian Feldman. You may remember him from an earlier blog post. He is indeed, Orlando's broker, balder and more brilliant version of David Blaine.

Brian is doing this week what a lot of my friends had joked about doing in the wake of same sex marriage rights being completely written out of state constitutions. Brian is exercising his power, no, HIS RIGHT, to marry a total stranger. And by stranger, I mean... a woman stranger...because you know, the law and all...

Brian agreed to marry any woman who showed up at the Orlando Courthouse at 3pm yesterday. Three women showed up. One woman with a baby strapped to her. So Brian picked his wife in the most sincere way possible, by spinning a water bottle. Then the lucky lady proceeded to fill out a marriage license with him. On Friday, Brian Feldman marries Hannah Miller. I don't know who she is and nor does he. Though apparently, she has a very understanding boyfriend.

If I had the time to fly to Florida and wasn't so desperately trying to preserve my FICO score in the wake of trying to buy a house here... I would have gotten myself hitched to that nice Jewish boy myself. Brian Feldman and I could have showed the world: Marriage is for fags.

But instead, I enjoy this nonsense from a distance. And so can you.

Open House #3: Home Onerous

2010-02-02T22:29:00.000-08:00

I woke up the other night to the sounds of a police helicopter circling for what sounded like hours. I fell asleep and then woke up again to the sounds of homeless people crushing cans in the alleyway. Yep, I'm back home in Los Angeles.

I just got off a Skype call with my director Katie Pearl where I cried and cried and yes, cried to her. We just finished an amazing run of Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in Arizona last weekend. It was sold out, standing ovation, they put me up in a 3000 seat theater (but the seating for my show was 200 seats on the stage... a stage which they built for me thankyouverymuch), then the (Republican!) mayor came as well as ASU Gammage's very generous theater patrons with extremely warm feedback.

Creating and touring Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest has been a helluva journey. From the first miserable runs of this show that clocked in at 2 hours, Q&As where I held back angry tears because every audience question sounded like a personal attack, walking the streets of cities I've toured through catatonic and shaking with depression because I felt like I handed over my soul for the price of a pay-what-you-can-ticket.... this show has come a long long way baby. It's was like a deformed baby that now could place in a kiddy beauty pageant. I am so blessed that I had so many shots to get this show down right. And I am so proud of what I've accomplished with it.
I am proud that people I've never met organize themselves in groups to come. I am proud when I get emails after from people telling me how much the performance affected them. I am proud when people tell me how fearless the writing is.

And most importantly, I've survived what has easily been the most excruciating and lonely life that one can imagine (dragging around an exhausting show about suicide which is performed alone and supported, virtually alone) and returning home to unsatisfying and/or non existent romantic relationships (which includes an abusive relationship with my spraying cat).

I cried and cried to Katie because I really felt like the process of doing this show (going into YEAR 4!!!!) has been a bittersweet learning and growing experience. But what I'm really learning, is how important self-respect is. I've played the shittiest venues, I've worked hard for no pay, I've worked with (and dated!) people who claim to want to help but have put me down.

My time at MacDowell was a real time of creation but it also was a ripe time for me to reflect on how hard I work and how I do not deserve anything less than how hard I've worked.

I've been through the trenches and as Mary J. Blige would say, "No more drama." I'm on a "no-bullshit" diet. No more depleting gigs, depleting relationships, and no more depleting collaborators.

So what better way to celebrate my newfound pride and self-respect than take on the totally demoralizing activity of trying to buy a home in Los Angeles?

I started looking at houses today with an approval letter for a home loan in hand. Can I just say that banks are really good about not laughing in your face when you explain what it is you do for a living?

What can a performance artist buy in Los Angeles you ask? And also, a performance artist who still refuses to buy a car? And actually, cannot buy a car if she is to also pay off a mortgage? And finish a show about not owning a car which hopefully will help her pay off the mortgage?

Um, well... right now, the options are not plenty. What I can achieve in affordability, I compromise in aesthetics and safety.

In fact, I must confess that a certain panic has set in as I look at these homes.

Am I really ready to commit to a mortgage for 30 years? Am I going to be making enough as an artist the next 30 years for my mortgage? And am I going to be ok living in some of these neighborhoods I can afford?

Suddenly, the thought of taking that low-ball gig where I am splayed out afterwards too exhausted to cry sounds so good. That collaborator who tells me I'm half-assed but doesn't charge much for her time sounds like a good bargain. Suddenly, "taking my time" before moving in with someone I'm dating sounds completely fiscally irresponsible.

Suddenly, when confronted with a mortgage, all those bets on all those self-respecting aspirations... they're off!

From the woods to the desert!

2010-01-27T12:20:00.000-08:00

From the snow to the desert. I am in the Grady Gammage theater right now and there are like 12 crew people setting up the stage for me. Oh no wait... they are BUILDING a stage for me. JESUS! Is this really my life? The show is almost sold out and I've never even been here before. My name shows up on advertisements next to Mary Poppins which also plays here. The talk I'm giving tonight will have like 80 people there.

I give talks in different classes every day and someone from ASU picks me up and drops me by. And they ask me what I'd like to drink and bring it for me. After having sat in the woods fighting my humidifier, and wondering if I am really an artist or not, I can't believe the fanfare here. I can't believe this is my awesome life.

Nine years ago, I wrote my first solo show and was scraping by making a living on ebay. I was playing whatever venue would have me. Now I have all these crew people here setting up a stage for my show. I am selling out cities I've never been to before. I feel like a rock star.

(A non-profit rock star.)

YARNING FOR LOVE

2010-01-19T17:52:00.000-08:00

A film I co-wrote and acted in last April in Chicago is playing in a film festival in Gstaad, Switzerland! And it's up for an award called the "Golden Cow"! It was a blast working with my crazy talented director friend Masahiro Sugano and it felt like one of those really exciting true collaborations where you are just running with ideas and going going going.

But the best part is you all get to see me making out with this guy Dwight on a lawn full of goose poop while old Chinese men watch us. Yes, it's true. Sex is unnecessary when you have yarn.

UPDATE: Looks like the director is taking this down in a few days because we need to let this film make the rounds at festivals all over the world first. So enjoy it while you can. In the event that it's important to you to see the film and can't wait til it goes online because you are someone in a high position of power or relative of mine, email me and I'll send you a link where you can download the film. Thanks!

Leonard Bernstein and Kristina Wong-- Same difference.

2010-01-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

Today the staff at MacDowell did a mid-day champagne toast. The deadline for summer residency applicants was today and they got over 1000 entries for 70 slots. It's a record for them and a new feat in their popularity. Jesus, it really has me questioning how I managed to get in here.

I am writing a poem called "The Mother Teresa of Pussy." I also wrote a three page monologue about how cats are better than men. I wonder if Aaron Copeland is turning in his grave.

I feel introspective but am not sure if anyone else would agree. Folks here have offered to look at my stuff and help structure it, but I'm feeling insecure like this baby isn't ready for her party yet.

I have nine days left to make brilliance shoot out in a stream of cat pee.

What is your motivation?

2010-01-12T06:46:00.000-08:00

I've edited another video in my process for you all to see.

From the trees comes the sap...

2010-01-10T20:35:00.000-08:00

I started writing a monologue about faking love, based on some facebook input to my question, "At what point do we fear the same human intimacy we want/crave? And, why will we settle for faked love?"

And next thing I know, I'm like cutting text and hitting the tab key all up in here and suddenly I had the first poem I've written in years.

I've been reading a lot of poetry here which I don't do too often. When I'm stuck on words I like reading them shilled down to their essence.

I am still pretty creatively constipated though. Right now, I'm at the place, where this script is now just labor. I know what needs to be in it. I just need to buckle in and go go go.

I'm not sure where my creative process is taking me. But it's taking me somewhere crazy introspective and this play has yet to get done already.

In the meantime, enjoy a rare dose of Walt Whitman Wongster!

WHEN THE MOTIONS WILL SUFFICE

Like buying a New York City umbrella during an unsuspected storm.
I didn’t have time to test it.
Just open it
above me, and have
faith it would work
until I made my way home.
(You were there and I was wet.)

We imagine doing this in the most imaginable honest way imagined but
our eyes still turn away as our arms stretch open for each other.
(This is how people get hit by cars. Because they don’t look where they’re going.)

I still hold with me
this last moment of you tangled here under four layers of bedsheets
that flipped their original order
during our earthquake.
Like a geologist got drunk then diagrammed the earth from its crust to core
from memory.
(sense of order so we too lost all when motioned like love in we were)
(order of sense lost like we were in love when we motioned too like)

I made my bed before you came by, as if I had always been a neat one.
With each pat and swipe, I erased
the previous guests like a hotel maid.
I stretched the sheets so tight it was as if my bed had never so much as been seen before.
I wanted us to leave
an imprint on this canvas together.
I wanted you to leave
feeling like we penned a masterpiece together.
I wanted you to leave
believing you were a wunderkind.
I wanted you to leave.
I didn’t want you
to leave.
(But rather than risk hating your writing, I just assume not read it.)

Say we are driving a rented BMW convertible on the freeway.
(Put it on the charge card. I will figure out how to pay it off later. )
My ponytail goes
undone and the split ends of my hair
scrape, whip, and stick to
my face. My contact lenses
go dry on my eyeballs.
I’ll blink until my eyes secrete natural tears
so I can see the road ahead without squinting.
(So my eyes don’t scratch themselves blind in the fury of speed.)
That’s why people love convertibles.
You grab that much more sky by convertible than by foot.
(Though, with the sky, you can’t take it with you. Plus, it grabs you.)
And, I will scream to you from the passenger seat how
this windy ride, where we cannot even hear
each other, where my palms press but cannot hold
those almost new black leather seats, where
you may hear me and then
forget sooner than I will, but
I will scream dry eyes, messy hair and all:

This is the best ride ever. The most fun I’ve had in my entire life.

Gorgeous, gorgeous winter.

2010-01-04T22:39:00.001-08:00

Another video transmission from my first New Hampshire winter.

"Real quick, what's the meaning of life?"

2010-01-03T16:37:00.000-08:00

My Facebook friends may have noticed that here at MacDowell my FB updates have been super existential of late. This new CAT LADY play has me asking why we settle for faking love, what the meaning of life is, and where do we find the end of loneliness. I'm not sure how healthy it is for me to be exploring such heavy stuff for this long of time in total isolation in a cabin in New Hampshire, but thought I'd start sorting through some of this footage to organize my thoughts. I'm pretty proud of this edit done on the most basic of Final Cut skills.

Happy New Year from the MacDowell Colony!

2010-01-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

Look at where I live for the next 3 weeks!

There's so much to tell you all. The food here is amazing. I had crepes with mushrooms and goat cheese this morning. And last night we had catfish. It's like eating every day at a restaurant where you don't even have to tip. Or pay.... This is insane. Who thought of this artist colony idea? It's brilliant.

Here are video blogs from the last two days....

I'm still trying to get the city buzz out of my head. And the writing is moving along, but not racing full speed like I'd like it to. I've spent a lot of time just watching DVDs of other theater shows and reading.

Last night's New Year's Eve celebration was fun. We had a "dance tour" party where artists could sign up to host everyone for one song (and dance) and would offer one drink. It was the first time I stepped into anyone's studio. We are so far apart from each other that we actually drove in cars from studio to studio. Mine was one of the last studios on the tour as evidenced by the clip below...

Last night instead of watching Dick Clark, they did a ball drop (balloons wrapped in mylar) from the 2nd floor.

It was so cute. It broke open and there were fortunes inside. Catia and Meghan in this picture are holding masks they made of the "MacDowells" who founded the colony and hosted us through the dance tour.

Here's the piano in my studio! Currently used as a glorified bookshelf.

If famous composers like Meredith Monk and Aaron Copeland made their masterpieces in this studio, surely I can churn out a show about cat pee.

This is Mr.T, the mangy cat that lives in the laundry room and is 16 years old and doesn't groom himself. I gave him a haircut yesterday. Snipped all the clusters off of him.

We keep our liquor apart by putting tags on them. So handy.

I'm at the MacDowell Colony: Watch me Poop Brilliance!

2009-12-29T14:56:00.002-08:00

Here are the first glimpses of my private winter paradise. I'm trying to get used to things like... snow... or trying to use a fireplace. And all the static in my hair. And of couse... time time time!

JacketGate Part III: Just shut up Wong and put the stupid jacket on.

2009-12-27T21:05:00.000-08:00

It was getting late, and neither myself nor my father felt like going to Redwood City in pursuit of an old coat. So I'm cutting the tags off my purchases and I'm ready to look like a million bucks at MacDowell... Specifically... like 292 bucks.

And this is the end of JacketGate. For now at least....

I am so excited about MacDowell. I plan to go on walks and do weird meditative breathing and write and get fat eating gourmet food. And get a lot of writing in.

I learned a lot from two summers ago when I was in Florida. To not take on too much, not beat myself up for not getting as much work done. And to stay away from the internet... So we'll see how that goes!

Here's the video of where I'm going. It's so out of control quaint and perfect.

JacketGate Part II: The Chills of Consumerism

2009-12-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

JacketGate continues today as I do one last day of preparation for my three week stint at the MacDowell Colony. I am still unsatisfied with the situation of being warm enough when I'm out there.

It rained yesterday in San Francisco and my friend Wei-Ming and I wandered the Stonestown Galleria, the Goodwill in West Portal, the Big 5 at Lakeshore Plaza and the Sports Authority at Serramonte Center in search of an ugly jacket and other forms of warmth that will allow me to survive an East Coast winter.

Going shopping yesterday was a horrific experience for me as I'm trying to purge my belongings in half. I borrowed my family's Prius and the parking lots were a clusterf*ck of drivers, all who felt entitled to the same slot of parking space. Under the din of bargain hunting immigrant families, teen mothers with babies in tow, and people I probably went to school with who have room in their homes for more crap they don't need... we did frenzied laps around Macy's, started asking the mannequins for directions, and emerged with a decently warm, below the knee jacket. It wasn't the LL Bean or North Face Michelin Man uglyness I'd hoped for, but it was the closest thing I could find. Perhaps it is the warmest jacket for sale in the city.

The damage was $147. Mind you, I've never spent that kind of money on a coat ever before. So it's kind of a dramatic purchase for me.

Then came similar nauseating choreography around the aisles of Ross and Big 5. Trying snow shows on at Sports Authority. Starting at the ones that were $39, but soon, I find myself putting on $49 shoes, then $79 shoes... and suddenly.... $100 shoes-- because anything less than $100 was too narrow or tight.

At each purchase, I presented my card over the sales counter, mostly in denial. Trying not to look.

I spent $100 on snow shoes. Another $45 on snow pants. I just bought a bomber hat on ebay for $15. It's getting mailed straight to me in New Hampshire.

Of course, after I got home from the puke-tastic day of feeding the economy to acquire things that I swear I could have borrowed from someone somewhere, I get an email from a woman on Craigslist responding to my ad post to barter my obscene amounts of yarn for a winter coat and snow shoes. She had exactly what I wanted. Serel brand snow shoes and an LL Bean Jacket.

I screamed. If only she had written earlier....

I guess I can always return all these purchases. Stay true to my martrydom of buying nothing and enjoy the thrills of old time "one man's trash is another man's treasure" bartering. There are issues with bartering with her though... The coat is one size too large (L) and we're not sure if the shoes will fit. She also lives in San Jose but has agreed to meet me tonight in Redwood City to do this exchange.

I also leave in the morning, so if after I find her items work out, my folks will have to return all this crap I just bought on my behalf for a refund. Not to mention, the pressure of wanting to make this barter exchange work after having driven all the way to Redwood City. And my father now wants to come with me in case this lady turns out to be a killer. My folks are very funny this way. I've been living in LA alone all this time, but when I'm here, they insist on driving me to places I could walk to, and coming with me as my personal security detail for benign Craigslist transactions.

The great irony of all this is that when I land at MacDowell there will probably be a store next door to the colony called "Really Warm Ugly Jackets, Only $5."

Anyway, looking forward to my journey ahead. To being able to go for walks in my warm/not warm coat. And soak in the luxury of time and space. I'm actually making a commitment to keep the imbibement of hot toddies to a minimum... as it seems to be the trap of an artist residency... lots of time to unwind... perhaps too much. But before the joys of MacDowell, can I ask that this city stop bilking me of money so I can sit in a cabin in the woods and RELAX already?!?

I'm telling you folks. Life should not be this complicated. This is JacketGate.

In Pursuit of Warmth.

2009-12-24T20:24:00.000-08:00

I am in the midst of a conspiracy I'd like to call "JacketGate."

Ever since I moved to Los Angeles a million years ago, I have suffered from the inability of knowing what time of year it is. We don't have seasons, we just have a couple months when it rains twice and we put on hooded sweatshirts and scarves and complain about the "cold." But other than that, it's one long summer with slight fluctuations. We have one major season in Los Angeles... and that's "Pilot Season."

Right now, I'm in San Francisco. Since my last blog, I've been in Los Angeles, Knoxville, TN and New York City. In the latter two cities, I really experienced what they mean by "East Coast Winter." Imagine me wearing the one coat I own (a little suede number from the Out of the Closet thrift store) with the wind ripping right through me. Imagine me swearing through the windy streets of Astoria as I ran towards shelter and finally understood why people move to Los Angeles for the weather.

I am a cold weather sissy. And that's why I decided, January 2010 would be the perfect time of year to experience what they call "a Maine winter" at the MacDowell Writer's Colony in Monadnock, NH where I head in a couple days to work on my new play. I'll be there for over three weeks.

A few years ago, my filmmaker friend Michael Kang went to MacDowell this time of year and he sent me this apocalyptic picture from his New Year's Eve there. My jaw dropped ("froze" might be a more appropriate word) when I saw this...

This doesn't look like much of a "retreat." And granted, it's a picture of the parking lot and a homemade fireworks NYE show. But from the looks of it, it's going to be cold as misery (specifically, "feels like 11 degrees" says weather.com).

I seem to have a knack for traveling the country during the worst times of the year. Two years ago it was Florida in July. This year it was Alaska in January. Alaska was not as bad as I thought. I was inside the theater most of the time. There were times when the wind and snow would hit my face and it would feel like pins were stabbing my skin. But it wasn't apocalyptic the way Sarah Palin made us think Alaska was. And thanks to global warming, the weather hovered at a nice low of 30 degrees. I made it through Alaska wearing borrowed snowboarding clothes from my friend Teri. But this year, I didn't even have time to ask around to borrow clothes. I was traveling so much, I barely got a Facebook tweet out asking for a coat.

Looking at Michael's picture above has me realizing, that even a San Francisco cold weather jacket is not going to cut it. I need serious warmth. I need an ugly jacket.

If you've been reading, you know I have been purging the amount of stuff I own. Two yard sales and a half dozen trips to Goodwill and I have only shed the amount of stuff I own by 30%. I thought it was more, but as I really take a look around, I still got a lot of shit. Shopping has become a disgusting endeavor of late. The day after redistributing all my crap to the citizens of West LA in a yard sale, I was forced to go to Crate and Barrel to fulfill a friend's wedding registry. I almost vomited having to spend the money from the yard sale to buy more crap.

I've come to really loathe the practice of shopping.

I'm learning that everyone on the East Coast must be broke because a good winter coat is expensive. We're talking $300 North Face expensive. And I also realize, I need to get some real snow shoes which run $150. And it probably wouldn't hurt to buy a bomber hat rather than rely on this little crocheted beanie I got. I've owned bomber hats in the past that have been given away or lost. Teri loaned me hers for Alaska but I don't have it this year.

$450+ is an unfathomable amount to spend on winter clothes. My friends have all chided me: "But you might go out there again. It's an investment." But in my carlessness, I am in this time of life where I refuse to buy stuff, and I refuse to buy a jacket. Even if I need one, especially during this great purge. I'm trying to save up for this elusive house. And we live in a planet with such an excess of shit, surely someone has an extra coat to share. Surely, I can try to not contribute to mass consumption and utilize what already exists.

But nobody seems to have an ugly coat to share. My friends have offered their San Francisco winter jackets. But nobody has the floor-length puffy nonsense that I need.

I thought, I'd try Ebay. No luck. Winter coats are as much online as they are in the stores. I found some decent ones less than $200 on the LL Bean and Eddie Bauer site, that apparently have been "tested" to work in below freezing temperatures. LL Bean is sold out of coats my size, and the Eddie Bauer store in San Francisco doesn't have any heavy ugly coats in stock. You see, because it doesn't get cold enough here for that.

Then I thought I'd get clever on Craigslist. Nobody was listing a coat like the one I was looking for so I thought I'd offer up to $100 for an ugly jacket if I included a picture of one. No luck. Multiple offers of fleece tops, cashmere scarves, but nobody in San Francisco seems to have an ugly jacket for an ugly winter. I even attempted to barter for winter clothes-- because the principle of bartering means using what exists and most importantly, not using cash. I have all this yarn from my yarn hoarding phase hidden up here at my parents', and tried to barter that. Again, offers of things I don't need or the right coats in the wrong size.

I went to a cocktail party last night in San Francisco, where the hunt for this winter coat was a consuming part of my conversations. (I know, I am such the party animal.) Everyone was pretty intrigued by this quest for a jacket for cheap or free. I was offered suggestions of websites I could find them cheaper, who in the city I could borrow one from... none have panned out.

I even thought for a moment of signing up for those free coat programs for homeless people.

So I broke down this afternoon and decided, I'd buy a damn coat and put it on the charge card. Burlington Coat Factory has an obvious name for an obvious product. But what I found was only a small selection of coats that would get me through a San Francisco winter. No ugly, Michelin man sleeping bag with sleeves jackets for a Maine winter. Just thin, lightly downed selections. My mother was trying to be helpful, handing me coat after coat on the rack, and I couldn't help of being reminded of why I'd accumulated so much crap in all my years of living... because I always bought subpar shit and thus, had to buy it several times.

If I'm going to buy this ugly jacket and ugly snow shoes. I'm going to have to do it right so that I only have to do it once.

I may have to go shopping. At a mall. The day after Christmas. Like the rest of America. And still not find this ugly jacket. Ugh, nausea.

My friend Wei-Ming says she'll go post Christmas shopping with me tomorrow. Nothing is making me more ill than the idea of spending hundreds of dollars on winter clothes, creeping along elbow to elbow, from store to store with the rest of America, spending hard earned cash on crap that theoretically, already exists somewhere that I know someone is not using that I could borrow or barter.

I'm telling you. This is JacketGate.

In other news, my friends are having babies, while I'm running around the country looking for a free coat that won't put me in the poor house.... Meet Anja.

Open House #2: Living in Public Storage, ie The Downtown Lofts...

2009-12-06T10:51:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to “Open House” my series of blog entries detailing my journey to home ownership (to suit an artist’s lifestyle with an artist’s income… all by myself.) These blogs are also research notes for my new show about being Carless in LA and will be integrated into a show I’m developing through an artist residency March/April 2010 at the Asian Arts Initiative in Philadelphia, PA.

Last week, I visited my friend Jih-Fei , a PhD candidate who presented a paper last summer at a conference in Hawaii about Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (stroke stroke stroke my ego Jih-Fei!). He lives in the Little Tokyo Lofts downtown.

From the website….
"In these extraordinary lofts, you can almost feel the electricity of the city (granted, the fact that they've been built in the old Westinghouse building might have a little to do with it)."

I’ve been curious about the new loft developments just outside the "bastion of safety" that is Little Tokyo. Since the stock market crash, downtown lofts have been foreclosing and many of them still stand empty.

Also from the site…
"You will live close to a grittier flavor of nightlife with dozens of underground clubs and bars known only by those who reside within the glow of downtown."

Yes, and that flavor is.... urine. The smell is unmistakable. The bus drops me off five blocks away from the lofts, just as the warehouse district closes and tents of the old residents get pitched. Are these cardboard coffins that people sleep in for insulation, that glow under the nightlife… are these the people who know of “the underground clubs?”

It does feel precarious to be an Asian woman carrying a large purse on my shoulder to be walking these streets alone. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have walked through this neighborhood EVER and definitely not alone. But there are new bars and restaurants that have sprung up. And even a few dog walkers. But the old residents remain. Homeless people, day laborers, and other longtime inhabitants of this area. Some of them greet me as they assemble their homes for the evening. I stutter a hello back but find my pace moving from brisk walk to light jog.

Again, from the site...

"Or spend a relaxing night enjoying the skyline view from your loft while ordering Chinese take-out. It’s nice to know your food will actually come from Chinatown."

Hmmm.... if I cook the food, will that make the food even more authentically Chinese?

PRICE
Pros
The price is right, as you can buy someone's lived-in condo for as low as 200k.

Cons
HOA fees are HIGH at around $400-500 a month. And those fees can go higher whether you like it or not.

MAINTENANCE
Pros
Aside from cosmetic changes inside the unit, bigger issues like a roof repair, and busted pipes are all covered in the HOA fee. The building is also very clean inside and well maintained.

Cons
HOA fees are still too high. And I really don't feel the need things like a dog run or swimming pool which are part of this building.

COULD I LIVE THERE CARLESS?
PROS
The Gold Line is nearby. As are restaurants, galleries and theaters. I can also rent my parking space to someone else in the building for $100/month. I could possibly get around by bike.

CONS
It's not a great sign that the parking situation requires a 24 hour security person and a large metal gate. I also don't feel terribly safe walking around there at night, stepping across homeless people. When we walked back from the REDCAT, we must have been approached by at least 4 or 5 homeless people. I don't think I'd feel good about carrying valuables on me and walking alone or waiting for the bus at night. I’m also not terribly impressed by this quote on the website: “There's also 24-hour courtesy patrol. Because while urban living has its edge, that doesn't mean you should get cut on it. "

NEIGHBORHOOD
PROS
Having lived in LA for a long ass time, I have noticed how the downtown neighborhood has shifted from a nighttime No Man's Land to a bustling pretend Manhattan. Japanese food is just a few blocks away. Its well situated in walking distance from Little Tokyo.

CONS
It's still not Manhattan. And while the homeless people were nice enough, I don’t know that I could just up and go for walks at night the way I have in other places I’ve lived in LA. Also, the human excrement smell that would be outside my front door isn’t exactly “going outside for a fresh breath of air.”

SPACE ITSELF

PROS
12 foot ceilings are nice. And do open the head. Also there are washer/dryer machines in each unit.

CONS
I don't have the imagination necessary to build shelving, storage and room dividers to keep an open loft space from turning into a whirlpool of shit. I also like greenery and there's not much here except for the planters by the sales office.

NEIGHBORS

PROS
I would be living near Jih-Fei, Kennedy and maybe some other new friends… many of which are homeless…

CONS
Don't know if I can deal with the daily irony of living in an urban luxury fortress that is so purposely built to shield you from the realities outside.

SOUND FINANCIAL INVESTMENT?
PROS
The neighborhood is changing. A condo unit could be worth something if I sat on it for ten years.

CONS
Condos don't appreciate much in value and those HOA fees don't come back to you when you sell the place. You can't write them HOA fees off in taxes either. The economy has slowed down the growth of downtown. So who knows if this is an investment that would actually appreciate.

Final Verdict: Could I see myself living here?

I think I'm more a green neighborhood gal and would miss the presence of trees and parks. While I'm adventurous, I need to feel safer where I live. And I want to be able to engage in my neighborhood in a meaningful way, not feel forced to drive because I need the metal armor to navigate the surrounding streets. I may take a look at some other lower- frills condos with lower HOA fees in Downtown or Koreatown, but am passing on these lofts for now.

On KXLU tonight! 88.9 and streaming online.

2009-11-29T12:53:00.000-08:00

Here's some really last minute notice but I'm telling a story tonight between 7-9pm pst on KXLU, 88.9 "The Mystic Pete Chronicles - Tales of Love and Madness." Streaming also online. It's a quaint little story about the time I got a Diva Cup stuck in me and had to call friends to help me get it out.

Classy.

Open House #1: Buying a House with No Help Whatsoever. Can it be done?

2009-11-27T13:18:00.000-08:00

I know I'm like really old, but I'm also looking into getting adopted by Brangelina.

For those of you who are homeowners thanks to the financial help of your friends and family, I say, be so so grateful for what you have been given. I really was serious when I was saying that I have to do this buying a house thing all by myself. I wish I had financial handouts from my family, a sugar daddy or an inheritance in the foreseeable future.

But I don't, and don't want what I don't have to hold me back either.

Which means, I need to come up with a lot of money very quickly. Because baby, I'm going to be a homeowner in the next year before the market creeps up again. Plus home equity is the best guarantee anyone has at retiring with a key financial asset under you.

I started looking at Wiki How articles to figure out how to make money really quickly.

Here are some articles I found....

How to be an escort
(After some consideration, I decided against this. I'd suck as an escort.. hey! No pun intended....)

How to Save money
(I do most of this anyway, so this wasn't really helpful.)

How to Make Money Fast
(These ideas are really time consuming and lame.)

And here are some steps I took...

Downgraded the text message plan on my cell phone (which only saves $60 a year... but still.)
Swearing off all purchases for the next year.
Signed up for this Black Friday special at ING Direct which gives me $121.
Opened an account on Mint.com so I can start to manage my finances in an easier way.
Writing people who owe me money to pay me back.

I'm considering canceling my health insurance ($228/month-- Jesus!) since I barely use it, and when I use it, it seems to cost me more than the $35 co-pay. But for now, will hold onto it. Though I'm a pretty healthy person and wonder how much I need it.

Anyway, I'm a tough girl. I'll figure this out and I actually do think I can do this. If I have kept myself alive and thriving as a performance artist the last few years, the buying a house thing is going to be easy in comparison.

I'm blogging about this journey because I think a lot of artists don't feel it's possible to do things like this on your own. But it is. Or at least, I'm going to pull it off. And I'm going to outline my process the whole way. Plus making this journey public is going to make me accountable.

These are going to be a fun string of adventures in my blog. And the great end result is that I will hopefully have a safe and wonderful place to live.

The American Dream.

The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles #25: Who's going to drive you home... tonight?

2009-11-26T10:58:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving friends! I come with great news! I intend on being a homeowner by next year!

I know what you are thinking...

"How the f$#* are you going to get a house if your parents aren't going to buy one for you? And by the way, if you haven't checked, you make a living as a performance artist!"

Those are minor details my friends... But I've been scrimping for the last ten years towards this moment, maintained excellent credit, and the not owning a car martyrdom has cut an $8k a year line item out of my budget (and would be an amount I can put forth towards a monthly mortgage). I've also figured I can sublet the place whenever I leave on tour. And it will just be impetus for me to work more.

Ain't no fire under your ass like a mortgage payment to get you up and going in the morning!

I'm starting a new blog series called "Open House" about this whole journey of looking and buying a home for an artist's lifestyle on an artist's income.

Last year, I went to Open Houses with my friend Timo. We pretended to be married and would tell these poor realtors that "you know, we are looking for a home to start a family in. Something under $2 million." These blogs will be more realistic as I have to look WAAAAAY under the $2 million range.

This throws a lot of the carless living into jeopardy. I'm looking for places that I can singularly afford. But also, ideally, a home near public transportation. Because I want to continue these creative explorations of Los Angeles sans car... AND I will need every extra penny towards the mortgage.

I am open however, to splitting the difference should the situation arise. Buying a less expensive place and a car to get me to it. This does make me shiver a little... The thought of being held down again by a car. I know, there is such a thing as a reliable car. And not all cars run on $5/gallon veg oil and burst into flames on the highway.

I just want to have my cake (the house) and eat it too (not have to drive 20 miles to get there).

I'm starting my search in neighborhoods I never really wanted to live in before... Koreatown and Downtown because the condo prices have dropped dramatically and they are both within the city and near public transportation.

Stay tuned for my Open House blogs!

"You are my Rose, You are my Rose, You are my Rose..."

2009-11-23T01:53:00.000-08:00

If you know who this is, you are probably spinning in your seat like I was all of Saturday when I got to interview him for Kong Magazine's premiere issue. It's Greg Sestero, the hunk sauce actor who stars in the Cult Phenomenon "The Room." A movie that was written, directed, produced and stars Tommy Wiseau that I've been a fan of for the last few years. It's become the new Rocky Horror. The Room is one of the few live experiences that I've been to at least five times (lost count).

Kong did a really steamy photoshoot of Greg complete with super-fanesque shots of him in a bed of spoons and pouring scotchka on his bare chest. It was so surreal to actually meet Greg in real life and ask him "hunk-of-the-month" questions like, "So what's the most romantic date you've ever been on?"

We also shot and interviewed Branden Kong who was Tommy Wiseau's one time assistant, confidante, and stars in "The Neighbors." Branden is arguably, the original "Denny."

Later that night, we all headed to Orange County to watch the first ever screening of the Room. There was a smaller turnout than in LA and NYC where it tends to sell out. Tommy didn't come but Greg and Branden did. I ended up announcing them for the pre-show Q&A. It was so great and weird to be in front of these Room fans introducing Greg.

Greg threw the football around in the theater. What was even weirder was when I was screaming at the screen during the Greg/Mark scenes with Greg just a few feet from me. Greg told us that he hasn't really watched the movie in full for a few years and I guess he hadn't heard a lot of the audience chants. And in the dark of the theater he hugged me and whispered softly into my ear, "You're responses are great!"

(Hubba hubba! Rowr.....)

I'm so famous.

2009-11-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! This week I'm the featured reader on angry asian man.

The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles #24: Carlessness... The Greatest Career Boost Ever.

2009-11-17T08:16:00.001-08:00

I did it. Four DIFFERENT shows in one week. Two cities. And unlike Jesse Spano... NO NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!

I just got back from San Francisco. I presented my Carless Comedy show Sunday. Saturday was the LA Storyteller Festival where I did two different pieces. Then Tuesday and Friday, I did the "Whoring for Hollywood" show with D'Lo at the LA Comedy Festival.

The storytelling community is no joke. Imagine folks from a renaissance fair and like an audience whose median age is 65 all mixed together. I wasn't sure how this crowd would take me. They are so sincere and so into folklore and myths. And I just do the strange things that I do. I was programmed in the "Fringe Tales" concerts which was their way of saying, "Filthy, saucy, dirty stories". I kept joking that they should have named "Fringe Tales"-- the "Motherf*cking Stories!" show.

My whole family came out to see me! And didn't disown me after!

The adrenaline from NYC and doing five new shows in five days still follows me. It was a huge challenge, but I made it through this week and kicked ass each time. It feels so great.

How'd I get through this week? I just took it day by day. On Sunday after my plane landed, I worked furiously at my parents' house to tack on 10 new minutes of material to my carless show. I was wondering if the disconnect between LA and SF would make a difference, but it really was a hit. The San Francisco audience was with me even though I was talking about trying to get around LA. And can I blame them? Who else could tell this insane story of owning a money pit car that ran on vegetable oil and then it catching on fire? Followed by my stories on the bus. I got this topic on lock down!

THIS CARLESS SHOW IS KILLING!!!!

I'm dreaming up more places that this carless experience can take me, and already, opportunities to tour and talk about this are presenting themselves all over the country. I'm talking books, radio, panels, commissions-- it's endless where this can all go.

Jesus! Spending all that money on a shit car, almost dying in a car fire, and then going carless in Los Angeles is the best thing that ever happened to me!

I've been really fulfilling my recession year goal of creating as much new work as possible, not getting stuck in a creative rut. Nelson Mandela wrote books from prison... I can certainly make shows for any space. I hit a lot of post-partum creative depression when Cuckoo's Nest was finally "done" but I'm feeling so good as I look ahead and finally see that I'm going to do the work, not the work around doing the work.

Give me a concert hall! Give me a lecture hall! I can do it! And most importantly, I'm more in practice as an artist than as an artist than as an arts administrator.

I think life is lining up nicely. I've just decided to run forward and not look back. Who's coming?