A film I co-wrote and acted in last April in Chicago is playing in a film festival in Gstaad, Switzerland! And it's up for an award called the "Golden Cow"! It was a blast working with my crazy talented director friend Masahiro Sugano and it felt like one of those really exciting true collaborations where you are just running with ideas and going going going.

But the best part is you all get to see me making out with this guy Dwight on a lawn full of goose poop while old Chinese men watch us. Yes, it's true. Sex is unnecessary when you have yarn.



UPDATE: Looks like the director is taking this down in a few days because we need to let this film make the rounds at festivals all over the world first. So enjoy it while you can. In the event that it's important to you to see the film and can't wait til it goes online because you are someone in a high position of power or relative of mine, email me and I'll send you a link where you can download the film. Thanks!

Labels: a shot at love with kristina wong, artist life., asian men, hollywood wong, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn.

If you know who this is, you are probably spinning in your seat like I was all of Saturday when I got to interview him for Kong Magazine's premiere issue. It's Greg Sestero, the hunk sauce actor who stars in the Cult Phenomenon "The Room." A movie that was written, directed, produced and stars Tommy Wiseau that I've been a fan of for the last few years. It's become the new Rocky Horror. The Room is one of the few live experiences that I've been to at least five times (lost count).

Kong did a really steamy photoshoot of Greg complete with super-fanesque shots of him in a bed of spoons and pouring scotchka on his bare chest. It was so surreal to actually meet Greg in real life and ask him "hunk-of-the-month" questions like, "So what's the most romantic date you've ever been on?"

We also shot and interviewed Branden Kong who was Tommy Wiseau's one time assistant, confidante, and stars in "The Neighbors." Branden is arguably, the original "Denny."







Later that night, we all headed to Orange County to watch the first ever screening of the Room. There was a smaller turnout than in LA and NYC where it tends to sell out. Tommy didn't come but Greg and Branden did. I ended up announcing them for the pre-show Q&A. It was so great and weird to be in front of these Room fans introducing Greg.



Greg threw the football around in the theater. What was even weirder was when I was screaming at the screen during the Greg/Mark scenes with Greg just a few feet from me. Greg told us that he hasn't really watched the movie in full for a few years and I guess he hadn't heard a lot of the audience chants. And in the dark of the theater he hugged me and whispered softly into my ear, "You're responses are great!"

(Hubba hubba! Rowr.....)

Labels: hollywood wong, wiseau

Me and my fellow solo performer D'Lo decided that instead of battling over the scant number of paying university shows for pennies that we would instead combine forces and whore out our talents on the street, then post our efforts on YouTube.

What's great is that the first part of Part 1 is real raw footage we collected after seeing these girls while driving....



I love that we have this kind of Odd Couple, Bert and Ernie dynamic going.... D'Lo is the straight man. Perhaps it's an inside joke, but we're pretty hilarious. Part II....



Brownie points for those who watch Part III



I started outlining about 10 ideas for short films for the two of us to pile upon the mountains of short films already on YouTube. This one took us a month to get together. At this rate, and between our touring schedules, our next film should surface in 2011.

Labels: artist life., hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles

There are no two words more frightening to this carless Angelino than these: THE VALLEY.

Yes, the Valley, that elusive urban suburban expanse above the Getty Museum where families and other kind of proletariat live. Where eggs can be cooked on the sidewalk because temperatures soar to 300 degrees. Where pornography is birthed, edited, and sent around the world. Where the 101 North somehow becomes the 101 West (or is it the "101 East"-- why is it so confusing?).

It's the godforsaken geographic anomaly crisscrossed by so many freeways that for the last year has taunted me to buy a car and brave its streets under 2000 pound air-conditioned armor. The Valley is the boring ugly step-sister of Los Angeles proper and I still cannot navigate her after years of living here... certainly not by instinct and only with meticulous Mapquest directions that I dare not stray from so help me god.

All year, I was brave to resist getting a car as I've coaxed myself: "Kristina, don't fear the Valley, for you will never have to go to the Valley last minute. What the hell do you need to get in the Valley?"

Yesterday, I had to conquer that San Fernando beast armed with only a bus pass. Specifically, the Sherman Oaks Galleria parking lot. Worst yet. I had to conquer it at 6am.

Why GOD did I have to be in the Valley at such a godforsaken hour?

Because I booked a national commercial! Finally, that elusive residual income that lures so many actors to Hollywood (and has evaded me for so long) comes at the right time!

Usually with any kind of on location shoot, you never know the call time or location until the last minute. It's a lot like a rave. I got hints from the production guys at the fitting that we were shooting somewhere in Van Nuys in two days.

My alarms went off. EMERGENCY!! CODE VALLEY!! TRANSPORTATION EMERGENCY!! I could not afford to get lost or be late for this. I imagined myself getting off at the wrong bus stop in Glendale, not being able to tell North from South, only to get on another wrong line. Or waiting at some transfer stop in Burbank where the bus line had been unknowingly discontinued. Calling friends at 5am to help drive me over, waking them up, angering them, losing their friendship. Maybe I'd arrive at set 2 hours late, at which time my part was forfeited to the girlfriend of the key grip.

No! I had to secure transportation! And not the public kind!

It was time to follow the long anticipated action plan of what to do in what I call "Situation: The Valley."

Step 1: Find a ride from someone headed there.

At the fitting in Hollywood, I tried to charm the question to the other actors working the spot: "Hi, my name is Kristina. What's yours? So where do you live? Do you live near Silver Lake?"

Unfortunately, everyone lived on the Westside or Burbank. Or maybe, they decided that's where they lived upon the desperate smile of a stranger. I knew their faces. The fear in their eyes of the prospect of spending time alone in a car with an actor they just met. My innocent request for a ride was definitely creeping them out.

In my car-owning days when I was on a set, I'd often run into carless actors. They were characteristically the most talkative ones to the point of creepy. Often the most overcompensating and annoying. They were always the ones with the million dollar ideas whether they were unwritten screenplays they were raising money for or pyramid schemes for water filters that they thrust unsolicited onto other actors. I often wondered if they talked themselves up so much so as to warm up potential rides they'd solicit.

I had become what I've loathed. Time for Step 2.


Step 2: Find a car to borrow

When I left the fitting, I frantically texted all the friends on my mental inventory of "to borrow" cars. First my friend Chay who often walks to work and leaves her car parked, then my cousin (because blood is thicker than water), then my friend Marcus who used to be a bus person until given this car, then Chay's sister Bangbay who has loaned me her car while it's been parked at work. If none of those panned out, I could start getting creative and ask new friends for their cars. I could also try to catch a ride, though like I said, who else would be going to the godforsaken Valley and as early as 6am?

I got two no's from Chay then my cousin who both needed their cars. Marcus was a yes, but he lives all the way in Santa Monica which created the added challenge of the pick-up. I also don't know his car. What if it breaks down? What if I can't get it from him? I panicked and asked Bangbay for her car which was easier to pick up and that I knew wouldn't break down on me having driven it before.

(Yes, I got snobby about a free car to borrow.)

Bangbay came to get me the night before the shoot. I took her back to her place in her Corolla. In a very Jack and the Beanstalk-esque exchange, I traded my bus pass for her car keys. She was a trooper for busing to work so I could drive to mine.

Score! I had wheels!

I got to set more than early. I'm glad to have arrived there by car, not bus and foot because there were a specific set of signs to follow off the freeway to find the crew. Had I tried to bus there, I would not only have had to leave at 3am (I'm not sure what buses even run in LA proper at 3am), but I might have been in the dark dragging myself across along the entire mile-long perimeter or the Sherman Oaks Galleria before I could spot the film crew.

I did have a car sorrow moment when I parked Bangbay's car alongside all the other cars that belonged to the crew. Some of their cars were big, flashy, signature cars for signature personalities. The black Toyota Corolla I was driving was so practical, so modest. And it wasn't even mine. I couldn't help but remember my Harold, that big pink ego/eco-mobile and how sweet it was to park at the studios among the Hollywood types in him. How nice it was to get in and out of him like it was no big thing.

How sexy I was. But those days are gone as I attempt to rock it without the carbon emitting armor.

I checked in with the 2nd AD. I enjoyed my Non-Deductible Breakfast (set speak). Put on my costume, sat in the trailer. The manager of the pizza place we were shooting in came in the trailer and made conversation with me. He asked where I traveled from to get there. I said Silverlake. He said, "Where is Silverlake?" And I thought: "This guy lives in Sherman Oaks and does not know where Silverlake is? Who are these heathens here in the Valley!?"

I shot my scene, wrapped by noon. I headed to where Bangbay works in West LA to return her Toyota Corolla. I filled her tank. (Good Lord, gas is getting expensive again!! $27 to fill a 2/3 of a tank? I don't miss that part of owning a car.) Since it was lunchtime, I took her for lunchtime tacos.

Total cost to conquer the Valley at 6am? $33. Not bad considering I will only need to brave The Valley once every six years. Plus I'd much rather give gas and food to a friend than to a rental company.


By the way, here are the other action steps of "Situation: The Valley" had the car borrowing not work out.

Step 3: Rent a car (but so last minute, the cost with insurance and gas could easily bring the rental to over $50 for the day).

Step 4: Suck it up and take the bus up. But leave 2 days earlier than it says to on metro.net.

Step 5: Take a cab or car service. Or pay ex-reality tv star to drive me.


And another BTW... To be fair, I do know actors without cars who are not crazy. Wyatt Cenac who now lives in New York and works on the Daily Show used to get around by bike. We did the CBS showcase together and he'd come in on two wheels, get rides, and he was so cool it was no big thing. My friend Blake works constantly, was totally sweet and helpful when my car exploded and told me how to get around without a car. We share our triumphs as actors living within the machine who don't own big machines and also share our moments of Hollywood carless shame. And I also met a woman named Enci who writes about how to thrive as an actor without a car and she's also given me a lot of ideas about how to survive carless. Her production company is Rebel without a Car Productions!

Labels: hollywood wong, The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles

Considering Divorce	Divorce Court	Reality TV	$500	Yes	Non-Union	5/11/2009
Co-Star / Male or Female / All Ethnicities / 18 - 80 Looking for well spoken married people who are having marital problems to come on and get Judge Lynn Toler's council. Couples don't have to actually be filing for divorce, they just have to have a lot of good stories. Basically, you and your spouse come on the show and complain about one another. There is no real divorce offered, and the ruling has no legal barring. You will each receive a $500 appearance payment and the taping takes less than one hour. They should just call this show, "Public Ass Raping TV."

Labels: hollywood wong

Seeing that the question of late is "Kristina, can I find you on Youtube?"... does that make this commercial I shot in 2008 (that only aired in Russia, but for some reason is in English here) the only thing the world will remember me by?

Labels: hollywood wong

I'm in Seattle in a cute little coffee house in the I District. The weather is like the worst of San Francisco all day long. But seeing a real winter with falling leaves has it's charm. I only know winters in LA because the City puts up holiday decorations on Wilshire and there is a temporary ice skating rink in Santa Monica.

I got in yesterday and I've been staying with my composer friend Byron who helped me find a tv set so we could watch a "Double Shot at Love" with the Ikki twins.

It was feminist research.

After two seasons of Tila Tequila, just when you didn't think it couldn't get worse, the folks at MTV looked under the bottom of the barrel and found two obscure import models who are both "bisexual." They are quite homely looking and uninteresting. But they are much more convincing at being bisexual than Tila Tequila was.

We ended up watching the show at my friend Howard's boyfriend's place. It was so funny to watch the show with three gay men. They really got into it and were commenting on the selection of straight men as if they were the Ikki twins.

There's much more critical theory I can go into about reality dating tv shows. But I won't.

I randomly got a comment today on an old and really personal blog entry I made over two years ago, back when I was in a relationship (that was actually disintegrating partly because my career "blowing up"-- at least that's what I'd like to think had happened.... ). That was a weird blog entry to reread. I can't believe I put it out there. Oh well. So it goes.

And now two years later, I still find myself in somewhat of the same boat. Still traveling the country, alone, coming home to the cat. Except, I'm married to myself. Which (somehow) helped ease the feelings of being crazy when I'm on the road alone. It was a hard life to get used to but time has made me slightly more resigned to this roaming the country with my art as being a way of life.

Just ten years ago I hated being alone. I didn't know what to do myself if dropped off in a new place to explore. And now, it's a marvelous way of living. I guess.

I am weary of traveling alone as a single Asian woman in other parts of the world. Safety is a huge concern. As is feeling marked by my body. I went to Europe in college and the incessant screams of "Konichiwa!" in the street were enough to make me punch someone's lights out.

I'd like to pow-wow with other single women artists of color my age who make a living doing creative work and have to travel so much to make a living. Are we the revolutionaries of our generation? Or the new spinsters?

Speaking of unmarried spinsterism, I am actually hanging out with my friend Wes Kim tonight and spinning yarn with his wife after dinner on her spinning wheel. It's all I've been looking forward to about coming to Seattle all year.

The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles #7

I also realize I have not blogged about being carless in a while. So here is the update.

The good. The bus means I've actually been reading the newspaper instead of letting them pile up in the house still bound. And I've been reading books! My mind has been wandering back to a more creative space now that I don't have to stare at the ass of a car in traffic for hours on end. I also have a lot more money at the end of each month which I blow on booze.

There are some downers about it. Like, I was offered a free month of acting classes, except they were in Burbank which is a pain to get to, especially at night-- do I rent a car just to go to that class? Or do I just pay for classes that are in my area for the equivalent amount? There are also tight time frames that I can't do. I used to have this ritual on Sunday of going to the Farmer's Market, getting a tamale, and then going to church, and maybe after going for Ethiopian food after. But I can only choose one of the three. It's also trickier to do a lot of errands, even if they are along the bus route home. Like I can't just jump off the bus, do the errand, and get back on like it's the subway in NY. I'd have to buy a day pass and be prepared to wait and wait and wait at the stop and only do errands where I won't have to pick up things that are super heavy.

The quirks. The poop pee vomit smell on some of the buses is no fun, nor is the more eclectic company of homeless people I wait at the stops with. Though it is interesting to see how long some of them can sustain conversations with themselves.

I've been researching backpacks with wheels to make things easier on my back when I have things like a laptop and stuff to lug around. This is admittedly a baby step towards becoming a total bag lady. Though I think I've already gotten there in the shopping cart that I keep padlocked to my balcony.

Byron is also turning me on to getting an electric bike. That way I can get up hills and do long distances easier without having to get a special license or scooter insurance. The issue is... electric bikes are around $1400! Bleh.

I still haven't quite figured out the safest way out of downtown at night. The other night I went to visit my manager in Downtown LA and even though it was only 8pm when I left, it was kinda sheisty out. I insisted on waiting for the 720 which is a half block from his office, but when these homeless people started screaming at each other, he walked me to Pershing Square to get home, so that I wouldn't be waiting at the 720 stop like a big target. He's actually quite supportive of me going carless and excited about this new show I'm (supposed to be) working on about LA carlessness because he's from NY. I thought when my car caught on fire that he'd be like, "You need to get a car! How are you going to take meetings in this town without a car?" But he seems to sympathize with my car trauma. Though he does say I'm being "really hardcore" to go so long without a car.

I still have car owner phobia. It's a good time now to buy a new car because nobody is buying cars plus car dealers are desperately trying to meet end of year quotas. But I'd so much rather put that money into a house or my friend's restaurant. And even the idea of having to buy new tires or get an oil change sends shivers of post-traumatic Harold stress down my back.

I have dreams about owning cars. At least twice I've had dreams about owning a smart car (those little two seaters). Harold (my old veg oil car) has shown up in a couple dreams too. I also had a dream that my grandpa was driving me around because I had no car.

I met someone the other day who owns a vegetable oil car. She said her car was doing fine. I felt so alone in my veggie-car-on-fire sadness. How come I seem to be the only one whose car caught on fire after thousands of dollars in repairs? Why me?! Why?!

I think this new carless show will be a love story/ story about an abusive relationship. The automobile that betrayed me. The ones that call me back to own them. And how I fight his beckon call to instead, travel about the world on my own two feet (and bus pass). Smelling like someone else's vomit.

Labels: artist life, cat lady, cat pee, hollywood wong, road wong, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn., The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles, veggie oil car

Yet again, the economy has interrupted any semblance of normal sleep patterns to bring me....

THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW I SHALL RETIRE! AND MAKE MONEY IN THE AILING STOCK/ HOUSING MARKET!

How is it I am becoming my parents? I never thought I'd be obsessed with things like retirement and the stock market. I always figured if I got old and had no savings that I'd do background work in movies because old people doing extra work seems to be in really high demand-- at least now it does. That, or I'd do the equivalent of what the 70+ year old Thai Elvis does at Palms Thai Restaurant in Hollywood-- dress up as "Chinese Barbara Streisand" and sing standards at a Chinese restaurant in my olden years. I guess by the time I am old, movie studios will figure out how to CGI background actors into scenes so we will be totally unnecessary. For this Brave New World-- I must be prepared!

Somehow, as of late, I've turned the corner and there it was ahead of me... the great beyond of living up your artsy 20s comes the realities of getting older. And the scary realities of what this economy is doing to the market for artists. I have a few engagements coming up, but nothing like what it used to be. Playgirl has folded. My friends can't even budget enough to go out for a beer, let alone live theater. More dates are going dutch on this classy broad than I think necessary.

So rather than drown, I choose flight. Who is coming with me?

I'll always be an artist, AND I will always be a financially savvy one. I have long since rejected labels like "starving artist," "struggling artist" or "poor artist." Because the more you let people call you that (and the more you call yourself that), the more you become it.

At the same time, "living rich" doesn't mean you should blow your savings at the bar, or outspend your means because you "deserve it." I see this happen so much. I have friends who are drowning in debt, or worse, filing for bankruptcy in their 20s and 30s.

For a half second, when I was tired of writing grants, I contemplated marrying into wealth by going on Bravo's "The Millionaire Matchmaker"-- but there ain't no free lunch sisters. That show is so sad. All these millionaires dating out of work actresses with no sense of identity. All these women desperately clawing towards these douches.

Listen to me! I am married to myself! Women need to learn to take care of themselves without the help of men. Yes, and we must learn to take care of the family with only a little, if any, of their help. We must have our own backs. It sucks, but we must do it!

The scary thing is in my last few relationships, I've been the "rich" one... WTF?!

I'm reading all sorts of wikihow articles on how the stock market works, how to be rich, and how to invest.
Here are some interesting things from the how to be rich article.

• Cut expenses
• Get a job that pays more or get a promotion
• Downgrade or give up your car
• Downgrade your apartment or house
• Reallocate your spare time

Well, I got the give up your car thing! Now I must work on the other four.

See you at the country club! I'll be arriving by bus!

Labels: artist life, hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong, marriage grown up crap, oh my god, outsourcing american jobs, property mogul

Bai Ling, fashion misfit and famous actress (but don't ask me to name what movies she's been in because I can only think of a few... "Wild Wild West" and... "Beautiful Country" and hmmm....) came to my show on Friday! She said to me after the show, "You're crazy! You should end the show nude!" I asked her, "Can I call you 'Bai Ling'?" and she was like, "Call me 'Bai anything'!"

Wow, it's Thursday and I'm finally getting back to work. I've been cracked out the last few days just sitting in my own filth, pretending to unpack (my set is still all over the living room), sewing my felt dolls, and slowly facing the reality of two months ahead in LA and no real work. No tour dates, no big shows... just... DOWNTIME (?)

And no real income!! Oh boy! Hit the panic button!!!!!

But wait...

Luckily, I've learned that I need to keep myself scheduled. There are a couple grant deadlines this week and a whole host of stuff ahead. So maybe the post partum depression that inevitably hits after a big show will pass right straight by this time around. I do have my BECAUSE IV workshop to float me through the end of the year. That will be fun. And a few little speaking gigs here and there. So it's a welcome respite and a nice surprise to be home for EIGHT STRAIGHT WEEKS?

What other things can I do to occupy my time? Well, VH1 starts the second season of the "Pick Up Artist." Plus some other crackalicious shows like "Rock of Love's Charm School," and "Real Chance at Love" starring reality show rejects Real and Chance, who were rejected by New York who was rejected by Flavor Flav (twice), who was rejected by Brigette Nielsen. So meta.

What will I do with all this time? I've been sewing, watched Season 4 of the office, called a bunch of people who won't return my calls, pretended to clean, watched theater. Gotten a massage.

I guess I actually have some downtime to create some new art work. IMAGINE THAT! Art time!

I've also set a goal to come up with $5000 to put in a "nest egg" account by the end of the year. I am not sure how I will come up with this money though. But it starts with the thought.

Maybe I will sell crap in my apartment. Or hit up amateur night.

Labels: artist life, crafty, hollywood wong, marriage grown up crap, the secret

I haven't blogged in forever. I started a blog about how weddings are dumb and then saved it as a draft, only to have a massive fall off my bike the next day (I'm ok, but I'm massively bruised up). Then I spent the whole week trying to write this grant which I finally finished last night. That grant was no joke. I easily had 10 drafts of it before I finally gave up and decided it was done. Folks who think it's easy to get someone else to give you money to do art are seriously deluded. If I get this grant, I get $0 after I pay out all the things I budgeted.

My big showcase is tomorrow and I am still not totally memorized. I was all freaked out about it... to the point that I wasn't even sure if I could still go through with it (because it's still a new format for me and I was just so unsure of myself). I actually had a moment where I considered quitting... which is crazy... because I'm not a quitter.

My good friend, the famous playwright Alice Tuan said something great of this panel we are doing next week in Minneapolis called "APACUNT." It's a really outrageous fake, but real panel we're orchestrating that sends up a lot of "panelism"-- if you've gone to enough conferences, you may know what I am talking about. We're probably going to be the total blacksheep of the Asian American theater world (you know, and it's SUCH a big world that Asian American Theater World), after the antics (such as me pulling out a dong from my undies and stroking it as I read my bio) we have planned.

She said, "What's the worst that can happen, the folks who aren't producing my plays, still don't produce my plays?"

And I was like... "Oh my god! Yeah! What's the worst that could happen after this showcase? The career I don't have in Hollywood still doesn't go anywhere and I must then continue making an amazing living as a world touring performance artist? Boo hoo!"

So I am just going to put it all out there tomorrow. Have a fun time. Make mistakes, still pick myself up and keep going. It'll be a 35 minute version of my life.


LIST: You know you are a performance artist when...

1. You can't go out for martinis with friends on Friday night because you absolutely have to watch a man crawl around in an alleyway with a lit candle in his anus for three hours. (After all, he's your best friend.)

2. Thoughts of how to make your unitard battery powered keep you sleepless.

3. You have phone conversations that end like this: "I gotta get back to sewing my vagina. I'll talk to you later."

4. You roll your eyes when someone tells you about a gallery performance where a guy covered himself in flour and shat into a clear bucket for everyone to see. ("Oh please. That's sooooooooooo been done before.")

5. You are thinking of being a lesbian for a month and already know what grant you are going to apply for to support it.

Labels: artist life, hollywood wong

So for once, in our somewhat impersonal email relationship, Obama emails me, not to ask me for more money... but to tell me... we are pretty much within reach.

It's sweet. But where is my shirt?

The guy asks me every two days for $25. He flakes out on sending me my shirt and I get no time with him because he's so busy with his "career." Geez Louise Obama! Are you my boyfriend or what? Because you are reminding me of men I've dated!

Good news is... I came pretty close to raising my goal of $100 for Myanmar/ Burma. Between Sunshine, KT's partner Kim, Jinsoo and my $20... we have about $100. Thanks for everyone who has sent money over! Next up, I'm trying to save up a little for China's earthquake relief. This month is a little tricky financially because I'm not touring. Not touring= No income! And even with all the cooking I've been doing, money seems to pour through my fingers.

But I have faith! It will all be ok. I'm writing some grants and taking some time to rest and reconnect to LA.... catching up with paperwork... before I leave again.

It's been a bit quiet over here on Planet Wong. I am working on my "Big Hollywood Showcase" that is my Birthday celebration of sorts. It's at the Comedy Central Showcase.... yes... a big deal! Peep the flyer below. And please come!



Basically, I've been reworking my old showbits into this showcase. It's a pretty nutty so far. Kind of filthy and raunchy. But I guess that's who I am on the inside.

Back to the grind.

Labels: artist life., hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong, Obama is hot, vision

Just when you thought the old broad had gone home to roost, she's BAAAACK!

This year's VC film fest has multiple mentions of "Miss Chinatowns." The opening night Ping Pong Playa (in which, I have a "blink or you'll miss it" cameo as Miss Chinatown), the Xin Lu Bus Tour features a guerilla performance by Fannie Wong, and of course the documentary Yours Truly, Miss Chinatown follows me and two other Miss Chinatowns. I actually am on the bus today so will miss most of the screening. Very nervous anyway about watching myself on camera.


So of course, I had to resurrect Fannie for the opening. And bring the entourage.
From L to R: Pepe Le Tsu (Fannie's documenter and French-Chinese Film Auteur), Sirloin (Fannie's security/escort), Fannie Wong (Former Miss Chinatown 2nd Runner Up), and Karin Anna (Somewhat less notable celebrity).


What's so awesome is that Fannie Wong, Former Miss Chinatown 2nd Runner up is finally being acknowledged as a real life entity. The VC Filmfest made me an industry badge that reads "Fannie Wong, Former Miss Chinatown 2nd Runner Up." And Fannie also got to do the "red carpet" walk for the press. They were bonkers for it. Fannie even got on the floor at one point and started writhing for the cameras.

What's funnier is that in the VC online album, Fannie's mug shows up more than people who were actually in the movie.


What's weird is that as obnoxious as she is, I'm quite shy playing her. And for some reason don't think that people can actually see me under all the garb when I'm all done up.



It's a welcome switch to be home, in my own apartment in LA. I get to be home for one month before hitting the road! I'm so happy. I love New York, but it was killing me and my wallet.

Of course, the day before I left, I found out I was just a few blocks from this view....

Labels: artist life, hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong, jessica yu, new york city, oh my god, ping pong playah, road wong

I'm listening to various commencement speeches online in preparation for my little 10-minute number that I'm given to the graduates in the English Department in June. Right now I'm listening to Steve Jobs who so far I've learned was adopted, dropped out of college, returned bottles for nickels and would treat himself to one meal at the Hare Krishna temple because he was so poor in college.

He's like me, except way richer. I was pretty poor in college. And if not for the Hare Krishna people who fed people by donation, I would have subsided entirely on Tino's burritos, ramen and twix bars.

I actually wanted to drop out of college my first year. The bureaucracy was too much. I wasn't learning all the things I wanted to learn. Something I've noticed that happens to students at some of the universities I go to-- they get lost in the system. But I couldn't listen to my gut. Instead, I listened to fear that being a "college drop out" would damn me for life and make me the great shame of my family. And so I slugged it out in an rigid system. Perhaps this is the great speech I shall give.

"What are you doing here?!? We should be out in the world traveling and making art. Let's save our parents money and get out of this joint!"

I have no idea what my speech will be about. My mother forwarded me this really long email from her high school friend (a Chinese American baby boomer) with Chinese-American- Drill-sargeant-advice for my speech.

Here's an excerpt...

"Tell her to go for it. Keep the 10 min speech professional with a little humor; no off-the-wall jokes; tell the kids what it is like to "really survived" and make it in this tough world. No need to go into long-winded personal biography...the kids would care less. If they really want to know, Kristina could "jokingly" refer them to a website and tell them to read all about it."

My friend Isaac often remarks how irritating it is when people who don't work in our field give advice. I am thinking that perhaps I should send my mother's friend a video of me doing a speech that complies with her advice.... Other notes which include....

"Sticks to one issue, such as "how English helped me to survive and landed me a job in communication/acting/; how English helped me become a writer; etc." NOT SOME CONVULUTED SUBJECT that will take a lifetime to explain. Keep it SIMPLE."

Seeing as I don't actually have a "job" nor any stories of how English helped me survive (I credit my career survivial more to my savage cockroach survival instincts than what I remember of Beowulf), so I'll send her a video of the audience giving me the bird for being such a goody goody know it all.

Or maybe I'll tell a great story about my day yesterday, I locked in that mid-life crisis early with some pin-up photos!

I took the train to New Jersey to sit for pin-up photographer Viva Van Story. The most not well kept secret in the world is that I'm turning 30 in June. Which means I must finally come to grips with the fact that just maybe, I will never be discovered as a supermodel. That the whole supermodel career and becoming a real Miss Chinatown thing or a lingerie model will probably not pan out.

Plus my junk on the front and back are falling down.

The solution? Take hot pictures of myself to put up in my apartment! YES!

It was actually really hard to lie around in underwear and a corset on the floor looking good and now I find myself saying, "Wow, Tyra Banks is actually good at what she does." It probably didn't help much that we shot in a bowling alley where these high school kids were singing Jesus Christ Superstar songs really loud and their parents were circling us. But I did it. The day ended with me naked in a bubble bath making sexy face for the camera. The make-up lady blew bubbles while the photographer said, "Close your mouth. I don't need to see so much of your teeth." And I was screaming, "Holy smokes, so this is what it's like to be in a soft porn!"

That's right kids... I'm going to be your commencement speaker!

Anyway, nobody gets to see the pics. Only me, the two people who visit me a year, and the cat get to see.

Aaahhhh.... This is what it's like to age gracefully.

Labels: artist life, empowerment, hollywood wong, is unnecessary when you have yarn., sex is unnecessary when you have yarn, toastmaster wong, vision

"She's got a butter face. Everything looks good on her, butter face."
--Wisdom from Big John, Rock of Love

Just blogging to let everyone know I'm still alive. I had some down time in the last few weeks which while good for relaxation, is very bad because it's just me and my thoughts. Alone.

One such amazing thought I had was this week: "Hey! Why not get my last name tattooed on my forearm in Old English!?"

Of course, I had this idea at a bar where apparently, many amazing tattoo ideas have been birthed (ankle dolphin anyone?) and was surrounded by enough friends who suggested I actually test drive the idea by writing the tattoo out in sharpie and sport it for a few days rather than drive myself to the tattoo parlor right there and then.



I'm not sure if it's because my version looked so Katrina-survivor-social-security-number-on -the-arm-esque, but this tattoo idea doesn't seem like a winner.

My self confidence has been on quite the emotional roller coaster since I was scouted for the role of the "frumpy Chinese waitress with pimples" a few weeks back. At first I laughed, and then last night, found myself sobbing.

This town is hard on a wee little thing like me. I've always thought I was beautiful and never thought anyone could take that from me. Sure, I'm not supermodel beautiful, but I'm alright. I'm a cutie pie. Right? Well, last night, it felt like enough side comments from friends, looking at myself in the mirror too long etc. has finally cracked me open.

I know I'm a shit talking broad myself, but there's only so much much verbiage I can take, and from my own friends. Who I know mean well, but.... ouch! I hurt!

I've been in Los Angeles for five weeks. And I'm going on tour Sunday for five weeks. I don't know how actors can stand being in Los Angeles year round. It's hard! And harsh! And so isolating. How can actors stand letting their fate be held ultimately by someone else? That drives me nuts. And people here are way too good looking and need to learn to use it for good, not evil.

I'm really glad I get to leave town and meet some down home folks in San Antonio, Amherst and New York City.

I am treating myself to an early birthday present in April. I've arranged to sit for pin-up photographer, Viva Van Story. She's in New Jersey and she's super enthusiastic about photographing me. I'm spending all of April on the East Coast. That's right. Wong is doing a set of pin-up photos! I may not share them on the site. I think I'll just have them printed up and framed in my future house where I can jerk off to hot pictures of myself in the privacy of my own home.

I have a vision for myself in my upcoming 30s. I'll live in up in my little condo in Baldwin Hills, North Hollywood or Boyle Heights (the only neighborhoods I can seem to get in for less than 200K), surrounded by my loving cats, knitting baby sweaters for my friends' babies, and I'll have tons of photos of myself looking hot.

Nobody can take that from me. Do you hear me? Nobody!!! I am the hottest cat lady ever!!!!

Labels: cat lady, hollywood wong

Caption this photo.

Labels: hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong

The Photoshop sham that is my headshot?

I just had a callback for the commercial I was "scouted" for. In my last post, I described being scouted for the role I was apparently born to play.

The role was a frumpy Chinese waitress with lots of pimples.

And it's been a funny story and all, but I can't help but think from people's reactions (veering more on the "Well that's Hollywood for you" rather than "What! You are gorgeous! You aren't frumpy and ugly Kristina!") that maybe I am a really really really ugly and horrible looking human being.

I mean, I was able to laugh it off AT FIRST, but I'm feeling from people's reactions, and this whole experience with these commercial auditions, coupled with enough bad awkward girl memories to fill a lifetime--- that maybe I really am that ugly looking person and have yet to embrace it.

And here I thought I was hot all these years. Here I had thought that I had a decent rack, nice body and a great smile. Was I wrong? Am I an ugly person?

As I drove back from the callback and looked at my reflection in the rearview mirror, I had the most horrible thought in the world.


This is the most horrible thought in the world...


"I am so ugly. I do not deserve to be loved."


Then one by one. I got flooded with more terrible thoughts and horrible memories. Maybe my mother was right when she told me as a kid that I should be on the radio, not TV. (She's long since taken that statement back, btw, and is fully supportive of my career.) Maybe I will die alone and unloved. Maybe I'll never be in a relationship again. Maybe my true calling is as the cat lady persona I keep mocking ironically. Maybe I should change careers and work in a dark room, alone, where nobody would have to look at me. Ever.

Because I am so hideously homely.


It's such a horrible feeling to look at yourself and feel like you can't be loved. Because everybody deserves love.

EVERYBODY. The frumpy and the pimply included. Do you hear me!? We all deserve love!!!

I shook myself out of this funk pretty quickly when I realized that there will always be someone who loves me.


"Hey! There's someone who no matter what, will cheerish and adore me!"

And that someone doesn't care if I have a frumpy day! Or get a pimple!

I smiled to myself in the mirror, that old familiar smile when I realized that someone in life does love me.

Who will always love me for who I am do you ask?


Gross and creepy old white men with large collections of Samurai swords, with a sizable Asian fetish, who jerk off to Asian porn and go on sex tour trips to Asia!

They will always find me beautiful and love me!

Yay for them! They will always love me. No matter how frumpy or pimply I get.

Come and get me fellas! Here I am!

Labels: a shot at love with kristina wong, cat lady, dying alone, hollywood wong, loser, losing my mind in los angeles, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn

TRUE STORY.

So yesterday, I was in my audition technique class (because I'm Hollywood Wong now, don't you know?) and the class takes place at one of those casting studios which during the day is used for auditions and at night used for classes. And the teacher has us go into the lobby and work on our sides ("sides" are parts of the scripts used for the audition).

And I'm just sitting there marking up my sides and these two casting directors suddenly appear in front of me. They start to whisper "Yea! She'd be perfect!"

Here's how it played out.

CASTING DIRECTOR: Excuse me?

ME: Who? Me?

CASTING DIRECTOR: You in the blue sweatshirt. Are you around tomorrow to audition for a commercial?

ME: Uh, yeah. Of course! I guess.

CASTING DIRECTOR: Great! You' d be perfect! Wouldn't she?

(The other casting director nods in furious agreement.)

(My two classmates are shocked and jealous at my luck.)

CASTING DIRECTOR: Good, let me give you the details. You are perfect!

ME: Wow, thanks! I can't believe I'm being scouted like this (I laugh.)

(She begins to write auditions details on a piece of paper for me.)

CASTING DIRECTOR: Ok, so you are going to go to our casting place on Melrose tomorrow, don't wear any make up. You you are going in for the part of a frumpy Chinese waitress with lots of pimples. See you tomorrow!

(End Hollywood Story.)


Finally, my calling. My home in Hollywood has arrived. I so badly wanted to ask, "Are you sure you don't have any roles available for halfway decent looking sweatshop workers?"


And then, part II of my strange Hollywood yesterday.

I'm outside of my audition technique class talking to my classmates about another audition I have at SONY tomorrow, one of my classmates is like, "Hey! That's Yehya! He's on TMZ.com. He's a celebrity photographer who runs alongside the paparazzi. There must be celebrities nearby."

This is Yehya.



Basically, he's a handyman by day and takes photos with celebrities at night for fun. And now he's like a counter-culture celebrity. He's so sweet. He was waiting outside not for me, but for Eva Mendez who was eating at the Madeo Restaurant which is next door to our class. He gave us a slide show of all the Oscar Night celebrity pictures in his camera.

So he was a good sport and took pictures with us. And it's funny that he really sometimes cannot remember the names of the celebrities in his pictures and yet has spent the last 20 years just trying to take pictures with them. It's so odd to meet someone so good spirited with no jaded Hollywood roughness around the edges.







Wish me luck on all my big auditions today. I also have a meeting at UNIVERSAL. It's going to be one of those camping out in Hollywood days where will have eight changes of clothes in the car and will eat along the way.

Yay! I'm happening!

Labels: hollywood wong

What a week and another crazy one ahead. I played Santa Barbara last week to standing room only and was pleasantly surprised by their standing O. And the discussion after the show was really great. It's super nice when the questions are so eloquent and are more about the craft and less about my finances and personal life. It makes me feel like I'm doing something meaningful.



The best part was getting up to Santa Barbara with Isaac teching me is we discovered a little stop called "Summerland" where we stopped to eat a bite.



I was like "Yay Isaac! We are on a workation!"



And we drove back to LA right after the show because I had work the next day. I went from deeply intelligent serious mental illness talk to playing a Japanese Harajuku girl in this internet short that goes live next month. It was fun and I got paid!

The irony of LA living.

I am headed to Austin today! I got my boots on!

Labels: hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong, vacation?

In considering the present degradation of mankind and the progress of the women's movement reversed in just one episode of Rock of Love 2 (Really Bret Michaels? You're giving the women coupons they can redeem to hang out with you? Really?! And why is that Katherine woman referred to as "old" when she is actually YOUR age?! Are you serious?)

AND seeing as that I'm addicted to these dating shows despite these infractions they have on my humanity, I've decided to jump into the degradation....

Network executives! I have a pitch that will be sure to increase your viewership among performance art aficionados, third wave feminist academics, and nasty old white pervies.

It's A Shot at Love with Kristina Wong!

Synopsis: 36 beautiful men and women (mostly Korean) ranging from ages 22-80 move into Kristina's 2 bedroom apartment in West LA for a chance to win the heart of this reclusive-yet-extroverted, neurotic-yet-sincere big bad Chinese cat lady. Each week, Kristina eliminates the unworthy, and those who remain will get a special crochet hook on a necklace ensuring another week in the apartment and the one ultimate shot at love with Kristina!

Week 1: Welcome to West LA!
All the contestants get off the Santa Monica Blue Bus and drag their luggage two blocks past the corner liquor store and the loitering homeless on Santa Monica Blvd to move into Kristina's apartment! The 36 all huddle into the living room where every imaginable sleeping area is claimed faster than you can say "Interdisciplinary Performance Artist!" Kristina rolls up in her pink benz to greet her future suitors in an outfit to die for-- A hand crocheted poncho! All Koreans who show up get a "use-whenever" coupon to hang out with Kristina and are automatically moved to the next round creating racial tension in the apartment.

After a night of mingling over orange juice and bottle water, Kristina picks a handful of the unlucky who will not make the next round.


Week 2: Who is oppressed? And who can comment on it ironically?

Challenge: To find out who can most identify with Kristina's work, she's set up a challenge that will really put them in her shoes. Using only fake blood, a roll of toilet paper, and butoh movement, the contestants must convey their inner legacies of oppression by creating an improvised performance art piece. Bonus points awarded to those who can be self-referential. The winners get to go on a special bike date with Kristina and buy her sushi.


Week 3: The Cat Lady Cometh

Challenge: What would you do for Kristina's love? In this challenge, massive piles of cat diarrhea and cat pee have been left in the apartment by Kristina's cat Oliver. And the contestants who clean up the most wins a date with Kristina at nearby Stoner Park for a vegetarian BBQ that they will cook for her.


Week 4: Grant me a Future

Challenge: Kristina needs help writing a high stakes Rockerfeller MAPP Grant that needs to be postmarked by midnight. So all the contestants get a shot at writing Kristina's grant. The strongest grantee wins a date with Kristina-- a shopping spree at Ross Dress for Less! But here's the challenge twist-- every two minutes, one of Kristina's friends will instant message with nothing important to say. Can they survive the online distractions, write the killer grant and get to the airport post office in time?


Week 5: Oil me up!
Challenge: Seeing as the price of vegetable oil has now climbed higher than that of gasoline, Kristina sends her contestants to the back alleys of some of LA's finest strip malls to find some fuel for her pink Benz. The contestants must pump and filter used cooking oil so that it is usable for driving. The one who returns with the most usable oil wins a date taking Kristina to the auto shop in Silverlake (where it was dropped off for yet another mechanical problem during the last episode) so she can actually put the fuel in her car.


Week 6: Can you tech Wong?

Challenge: This week's special guest judge is Jen, Kristina's theater technician that has toured with her on the road. Jen once teched Kristina's show from behind the scrim-- meaning she teched her show BLIND! Jen will do a crash course with the Wong-loving hopefuls on reading Kristina's scrawly handwriting and how to read Kristina's inconsistent stage cues. Jen will also offer tips on how to kick Kristina out of a pre or post show panic.

Whoever can best tech Kristina's show after this crash course wins a special date to see the Wooster Group at the REDCAT.

But here's the real twist-- they won't be teching the show in a theater but a cafeteria! Can they make it work?


Week 7: Oh the Yarns we Tangle

Challenge: Oh no! All of Kristina's yarn stash has come loose and tangled. Even her really nice Rowan yarn. The contestants must untangle and re-skein the yarn so she can knit it. The winning fiber untangler gets to go on a date with Kristina to Wildfiber, Kristina's favorite local
yarn store in Santa Monica.


Week 8: Guess Who's coming for dinner?

Challenge: The contestants are surprised when ex-Calvin Klein model and all over hot lesbian Jenny Shimizu shows up as surprise judge. Jenny grills the remaining hopefuls for their "creepy factor" screening out those with right-wing tendencies, lack of motivation, and an obscene collection of Japanese anime deemed as too creepy for Kristina's love.

Drama hits the house when Jenny starts to come onto Kristina. After Kristina and Jenny engage in intense lovemaking, walk arm-in-arm past all of Kristina's ex-boyfriends, and taking plenty of photo evidence to document it all, Kristina sends (heartbroken) Jenny on her way.


Week 9: Meet the Wongs
The remaining three contestants fly to San Francisco where they will meet Kristina's parents and extended family in what stands to be the greatest challenge yet-- gaining the Wong Family seal of approval. Who's FICA score is strong enough to withstand Mama Wong's credit check? Who will survive Papa Wong playing Whitney Houston's self-titled album on a loop for five straight hours?

Kristina eliminates one, and only two remain.

Week 10: Only One is Right for Wong
Kristina takes the final two for a special getaway. No, not Miami.... not Jamaica... not Hawaii. But Sawtelle Blvd, a few blocks from the West LA apartment! Exotic! Kristina springs for dinner at Yashima's where she worked as a hostess for a month after college (they still hook her up). There she asks the final two to put all their guns on the table and sing their best Karaoke renditions of a GnR song.

In a spectacular finale ceremony in Kristina's carport that involves battery powered Christmas lights and fake flowers bought on clearance-- the winner of Kristina's heart is revealed.

**********************

It's a sexy idea for a show isn't it? Yes, I thought you'd agree.

I'm going to cry now and brush my cat.

Labels: a shot at love with kristina wong, artist life., cat lady, cat pee, crafty, crochet, hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn.

Just another Friday Night blog philosophizing about Ross Dress for Less.

Labels: dying alone, hollywood wong, saturn's return, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn., The New Tweens

Well, here's the brief update.

It's over! The giant 4-week leg of work that started last week of December, went through those two crazy weeks in Miami and then five days here with the CBS showcase finally is over!

And I'm supposedly taking a break now by doing paperwork for my upcoming shows, admin, bill paying, etc. Blech Blech.

I wasn't sure what to think of the whole showcase because my performance went by very fast. It was very uncharacteristic of the work I do to be dressed so scandalously and speaking in an annoying voice. All I knew is I opened my mouth to say my first line ("Hi Kids! I'm Tila Tequila!") and before I knew it I was almost done ("Remember! Faculty meeting at noon, in my skirt!")

Afterwards, the friends who came to see me were like, "Damn Kristina! We didn't know you had a body like that!!!"

Indeed. Many do not realize that within this hypocritical post feminist exterior lies the body of a washed up belly dancer. I guess my philosophy was, "Well, if I am going to be in this showcase for all of two minutes, I might as well give them something to look at."

Sorry, no pictures.

I was so glad it was over when it was over. Too much pressure to have to "showcase" myself. I think my solo shows are so much more an indication of how I perform and what I am capable of pulling off. My manager (Oh did I tell you, in my rapidly changing life... I now have a manager... yes, que Hollywood) says that we will prepare a showcase in the Spring that shows off all the guns.

But already the sky has opened nicely. I got a call for an audition tomorrow at Universal. A series regular role on a sitcom pilot. The character has never gone on a date, works with cats, and is obsessive.

Hmmm..... such a stretch.

Hopefully these opportunities will keep pouring in. Not bad considering we are still in the middle of the writer's strike. Then my life will move forward as planned. Get big ass tv jobs, buy house, buy a child from China to call my own, give money to awesome gay charities and artists, end global warming, and relax.

Relax? WTF is that?!

I think the big crossroads that comes up more and more as this Hollywood Wong thing becomes a reality, is how to balance my vision, ethics, and craft within the heartless machine that is the entertainment industry. Well, the ethics part I seem to have all but completely lost in the last few weeks (so no need to fret over that!), but what I've never figured out is how I will bridge all these different identities and still be the awesome Wong who blogs for you now.

Labels: balance, hollywood wong, vision, winnings

Well, I know I wrote a blog entry that borders on frightening when I get a call from my folks telling me how much they love me.

I am fine. I'm not going to hurt myself. And how present I am in an actor's showcase is not the be all and end all of the world. In fact, they gave me a line in another sketch today. I just had to blow off a little steam and stress in my last entry. A little space and a lot of love from my friends made me feel a lot better.

I did indeed, go to Church yesterday, found myself at Agape sitting in the outdoor tent. When they read the dedication about how a the seed of faith can overcome all, I started bawling. And then the guest speaker said, "In life, it's not about who never gets knocked down, it's about who gets up." Then they ended the service with audio from Martin Luther King about getting up in life to overcome the wrongs, to get up for humanity.

And I'm getting up all right. I am getting up tomorrow on that stage for CBS and I'll be wearing a big confident smile, stripper heels, a string bikini and a school girl skirt. During rehearsal today, I looked at myself in this crazy outfit, did a circle for the mirror and thought: "Oh Wong, you still got it. Now shake it like you are on a webcam."

Oh... you think I'm kidding?

Labels: artist life, cat lady, hollywood wong, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn

So I went from being the big Kahuna in Miami to being the doormat du jour in Los Angeles. The CBS showcase is Tuesday and I swear it's crushing my soul. I appear in one sketch (even my one liner role as Ming the Burmese handjob giver was cut). I never remember theater being so cut-throat. It truly is a business. I don't regret the experience of the showcase and it really is thickening my skin.

During yesterday's rehearsal I had the following thoughts. Like really, I had these thoughts...

* "Where can I buy drugs like coke?"
* "Maybe I should call my sex worker friend and see how I can get into her line of work."
* "Is the bar in my closet high enough to hang myself from?"

I also called my hypnotherapist friend during the rehearsal to schedule an emergency appointment. I've never tried hypnotherapy, but right now I need all the magic fairy dust I can get to maintain my sanity.

I was also caught trying to poke my eyes out with my own finger during the rehearsal.

If anything, I am really understanding how important it is that I do my own work and how lucky I am that if this acting stuff never pans out, I will always have performance art to lean on (how freaking strange is that?!). And as much as I want to retire from performance art and make tons of money in ONE city rather than roam the globe for pennies, at least I have my own artistic vision at the end of the day.

My friend, the famous playwright Alice Tuan said that she felt my blogs made it seems like my life was really charmed and easy-ish. Which is so crazy because despite the perks, my life is totally insanely crazy. It was really good seeing Alice last night after the monster day with CBS. I cried and cried and then we laughed together.

Anyway, I've been up looking at my press from Miami. Check it.

Miami New Times
(Yet again, I find another opportunity to call out the Korean Pick Up artist like the psycho freak bitch I am.)


Anyway, so I'm planning to go to church today. I need to pray. I don't care what god. I just need to pray.



I also seem to be on Miami time still. As I'm blogging at 5am and going to bed at 9pm.

Labels: artist life., balance, hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong, losing my mind in los angeles, miami, neediness., press, stamina, vision

I'm back in LA. It's 3am and I'm up typing. The day after my show was not pretty. I jumped on the 8am flight, which meant I had to pack all my crap up in the early AMs. Barely drove the rental car back to Hertz at 6am, paid $50 because my bags were too heavy (i could have threw stuff out but was exhausted and gave up), tried to memorize new lines for this sketch I'm in for the CBS showcase on the plane inbetween passing gas and trying to sleep on the cramped plane.

I landed in LA, drove to CBS in my 1981 veggie oil car which after driving a brand new Miami rental for two weeks, felt like it was running on a wing and a prayer and rubber bands. I found out most of the parts for this showcase have been cast and I have like one scene. Almost threw up from exhaustion and overwhelmedness, left CBS too tired to cry, got a massage, ate thai food, passed out, and now it's 3am and the day has started.

I really am not sure how much longer I can do this road warrior stuff.

Oh yes, and the show rocked! I think there are dead people by the theater still. I am very blessed to have known nobody in Miami and get a very nice crowd of around 250 folks on the Wednesday slot where Louis Ck and Kathy Griffin were also programmed. The awesome folks at Miami Light got the mega- poster with my face on it out of the marquee for me to take home and now I get to look at my ego everyday.

The kids I taught last week from Little Haiti came and sat in the front rows. They had a blast. At one point they were jumping out of their seats screaming when I was like, "Are the Asians in the house?!" See, it didn't take long to convince those kids that they were little Wongs. If I corrupted them, they didn't seem to notice or mind.

My shining moment was when as Officer MacGillawongster, I put a plastic gun to a pregnant woman's stomach and said, "Ma'am, I need you to remove that, it's very dangerous and because of post 9/11 security measures, we must have you take that out in the fight for terrorism."

Labels: hollywood wong, miami, my mind in los angeles

I'm at the Lobby at the Standard now. There's actually a casting call for Abercrombie male models by the pool but the models check in here. HOT. Nurit and I are trying to meet and talk about our big day, but in the meantime, I'm drooling and squealing with every piece of man meat man that walks in here. And because we are literally facing the casting guy and the models, some of them have been coming up to us asking, "Where do I sign in?"

"Why you can sign up in room 92, where I'm staying."

We've been joking with the casting guy that we're finning to get discovered.

It's so unfair. Gorgeous people have it so easy. I should know. My life has been a breeze.

Anyway, I have a big day today. The show is today. Here are all the HOLY SHITS of my time in the last few days.


HOLY SHIT.


HOLY SHIT.


CUTE SHIT.


HOLY SHIT.



HOLY SHIT!!!!!


Wish me luck. I'm freaking freaking freaking out.

Labels: artist life, hollywood wong, hot people, miami

I'm at LAX now for my 8:25 am flight to Miami. I packed the whole apartment into two suitcases it seems.

Yet again, I couldn't bribe anyone for a ride. So I turned to my new best friend, fake tv boyfriend, and ex-reality star for help.



Yay! Spoon, from VH1's "The Pick up Artist" gave me a second ride to the airport. And this time he rolls up to my apartment at 6:30am and there's a guy in the passenger seat. I hear, "Is that her?!"

(And I project, from his voice, that perhaps he too was a wee bit disappointed that I don't look like a school girl, instead I look like Kristina.)



It's Brady, the runner up from VH1's the Pick up artist, also Spoon's roommate. Brady also got a stripper to make out with him on the show. Which even as a feminist, I found impressive.

I think Brady and Spoon were the cutest ones on the show. I was so starstruck by these two ex-reality stars outside of my apartment taking me to the airport, I started to jump up and down with glee. I think they were happy to be appreciated as their show was kind of the sleeper hit of VH1's line up in 2007 and their return to real life has been not as glamorous.

It was such a fun ride over.

Brady busts out with one of the pick up lines ("openers") that I knew well from watching the show and reading "The Game." He says from the backseat, "So who do you think lies more, girls or guys?"

I started screaming and laughing, "Don't pull that shit on me! I know all the lines! I've read the pick-up books! I know all the tricks! Those openers they taught you were so ridiculous."

And then Brady ad libs with another opener, which had to be the dumbest one on the show, "Did you see the fight outside?"

We were all laughing.

Then I started to wag my finger at those two and scolded them, "You know, you two were just as cute, if not cuter before your Pick-up makeovers. I actually preferred you guys when you were dorks."

Spoon shook his head as if to say, "No like the old Spoon."

Anyway, I was so happy when they dropped me off at the curb, I jumped up to hug both of them.

Yay! Rock Star!

Kinda.


Will post pictures when I land.

Labels: asian men, hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles, reality tv, Spoon, the pick up artist, Vh1

I thought I'd videoblog on the last day of the year. It's boring but it lets you know what I'm up to. I'm basically getting ready to kill in Miami at the South Beach Comedy Festival.

Check this out...

I spent today-- laughing, crying, getting angry, feeling freaked out and alone, feeling suicidal, and then feeling great again. It's kind of like this whole year of my life wrapped up in one strange last day.

I'm off to a New Year's get together at Helena's place.

Not sure what will happen at the end of 2008. But I can only hope it will be as good to me as 2007 was. I've had few years as good as this one.

Labels: balance, cat pee, chocolate rain, hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles, not angry anymore. just tense., oh my god, saturn's return, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn., vision

Well, it happened. I got a ride to the airport from an ex-reality tv star that I never actually met in person before that night and I have lived to blog about it.

So Spoon actually called at 4:10AM from outside my apartment. I had a last minute panic that he would really be a serial killer or flake or someone who had posed as Spoon on Instant Messenger and offered a ride, but there he was in the dark of night, double parked outside my apartment, in his little two-door car with his big Alaskan dog in the passenger seat.

I gave him a hug and was like, "Wow, you are like a jpg come alive!" (The last time I said that was when I met Asia Carrera and like Spoon, she was non-plussed by my amazing sense of humor.) I think Spoon was disappointed (as many men are) that I wasn't dressed like a schoolgirl and that I actually looked more like Kristina.

It was so odd, and yet so normal. Oh my god, there's an ex-reality tv star at my apartment and he's going to take me to the airport. The guy from TV is my 4am Super Shuttle.

Which gets me to thinking about how much lines are blurred in this age of Myspace and internet. How people that you see on tv can be your "friend" and show up at your house and it's not even creepy.

He was telling me about his life since he moved to LA a month ago. It's so weird to me how he hangs out still with people from the show. And it seems like all those pick-up artist teachers, contestants and student guys hang out together still like a big gang. Much like how the PUA community is depicted in "The Game" by Neil Strauss. Spoon actually lives with Brady (who was one of the finalists on the show). And he hangs out with the "Master PUAs" on a regular basis. A lot of their names I know because they are written about in "The Game."

Something is so odd about hanging out with the same community from the reality show you were eliminated on. I watch so many VH1 reality shows that at times I feel like I really know the contestants like old friends. But I think if I was ever on one, I'd want to still have my other friends back when it was all over. But that whole Pick-Up artist community is like Scientology-- the community is set up in such a tight cultish way that it in two-folds gives you an instant community, but it also feels hard to leave.

So along the ride to the airport, we stopped at a grocery store because I wanted to get something to drink and he busts out with, "You look so trashed! And tired!"

And I'm like, "What?! Wow, that's got to be best thing you could say to a woman."

And I'm thinking, is he trying to use "negs" on me? ("Negs" are the Pick-Up Artist term for comments that are a mix of insult and flattery that somehow force the woman that is "negged" to throw herself at the guy.) Knowing that he's been part of this whole show, I'm not sure what is a line and what's real.

Or maybe, he really does think I look trashed. It isn't even part of a come on. I really do look horrible. And then I feel all sad inside that I don't look like the gem of the Nile at 4am at the grocery store.

And then he was like, "I can say that, because I don't want anything from you."

And I'm thinking: Buddy, how much action did you think you were going to get on the way to the airport? This isn't a date, it's a ride to the airport and part of my "research."

And then there was this other beauty he blurted out on the ride over: "You speak perfect English! That's so weird..."

And I'm thinking... Is this how white Portland is that this poor Asian kid is not used to Asian people speaking English? I didn't even try to explain that I was third generation Chinese American and that in the year 2007 it isn't abnormal to meet Asian people who speak English. And wtf, only ignorant white people say things like that.

Spoon reminds me of myself when I was in college. So wide-eyed and slightly overcompensating. But he's also very sweet and boyish. He just moved from his parents' house for the first time which may have something to do with his wide eyed-ness.

I think what was so interesting about reading "The Game," studying the whole PUA workshop community on the web and watching "The Pick Up Artist" is it really reveals how vulnerable men are and what a "performance" masculinity is. The language of the PUA community is similar to that of a stand-up: there are "sets," "openers," "closers" and there is strategic positioning to the "set."

I never realized how vulnerable and desperate men would be to meet women. Those PUA workshops can cost up to $10,000! I always thought it was the other way around with how women are always trying to be more beautiful to bring a good guy into their lives. It was kind of oddly empowering to read about all that PUA stuff and realize men sometimes don't know how to be men and have to take classes on it.

Anyway, that's as much as I will divulge on the web. Here's Spoon btw on VH1 winning the award for dressing the most gay/fashionable.


VH1.com Videos

Labels: hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles, Spoon, the pick up artist, Vh1

Only in LA.

My flight to San Francisco tomorrow is at 6:30am (yay for picking the cheapest flight on Orbitz!) and none of my friends are up to taking me to LAX despite my 5AM breakfast bribes, etc.

Parking is too expensive. Taxi is too expensive. I could pay it, but out of principle I refuse to give in.

And even the shuttle services are overbooked on this holiday weekend.

Then I started going up and down my Instant Messenger list seeing who would take me to the airport at the crack of dawn for food or gas money.

And I found a taker....




SPOON! Yes, ex-reality contestant from VH1's "the Pick Up Artist," who is now in LA, is coming over to take me to the airport.

I've never actually met the guy in person. But it should be fine. How dangerous could it be to get a ride from a failed pick up artist who is Chinese and from Portland and was on a reality show? And isn't it appropriately LA to get airport rides from ex-Reality TV stars? Isn't this one of those odd LA experiences that I should have just to put in my "LA files?"

I know that if anyone I ever dated is reading this now, they are laughing at me. But they will bite their tongues when the secrets to the VH1 reality TV world are revealed during my 4am airport ride.

Hollywood insider that I am!

Now, if you don't hear from me in a few days, it means the guy from Reality TV kidnapped me.

Will return (alive, hopefully) with a full report.

Labels: hollywood wong, Spoon, Vh1

So I didn't even get to tell you all about the big Hollywood shindig that I broke my "Buy Nothing Year" vow to prep for.

I know. I broke my year-long vow to not buy anything. And for what? For lesser Hollywood.

Here I am with my date, playwright Alice Tuan.



So, after contemplating how I should pimp walk last Saturday's "Imaginasian Center" Opening that I was mysteriously invited to attend as "an important" personality. I decided to not buy a crisp white suit or an 80s prom dress, but instead, was resourceful and got the zipper fixed on this old dress discarded by my friend Malia. I wore some fishnets and heels I had lying and around and an old costume shop hat that I used to wear with the Billionaires for Bush.

I looked awesome and ironic.



Here are me and Timo, who somehow got an invite for this shingdig too.

I unfortunately, did not get any full body shots of my loveliness, but you can see the fingerless lace gloves I broke my pledge and bought for $8. Here I am with Carrie Ann Inaba who I actually know from college.



I was so fun that night. It was fun being dressed like a starlet in my hat and fur coat. It was like I became this caricature of myself. People were like, "Are you Kristina now or Fannie?" because everytime I shook a man's hand (even if it was John Cho or Joe Schmoe), I gently pushed my fist towards his mouth so he would be forced to kiss my hand. I think I'm going to do this from now on as long as I wear gloves.

Here's me and Michelle Krusiec. Who I already know and have on my email list because I'm so famous too.

The best part is Alice and I got to walk the red carpet.

It was so fun going to this event with the famous playwright Alice Tuan.


After five minutes of being denied entry to the red carpet, they finally let us through!

Alice: This is kinda sad and desperate.
Kristina: Relax. We will get to walk this.
Monitor: Ok, so who are you again?
Kristina: I am Kristina Wong, a famous performance artist. This is Alice Tuan, she's a famous playwright.
Monitor: Where are you from?
(this is where we are supposed to chime in with the name of some tv show or movie or celebrity that has created our whole meaningful identity.)
Alice: Los Angeles
Kristina: We aren't on your list. We're write-ins.
(Monitor looks to empty red carpet. Looks out into potential "celebrity" prospects, none of who are on their list of people to let through. Realizes, we are all there is to kill time.
Alice: My play was just at Humana.
(No reaction from monitor.)
Monitor: Fine. (aloud and lackluster) Ladies and Gentlemen! Playwright Alice Tuan and... performance... uh... artist... Kristina Wong!

We had a grand time on all 20 feet of the red carpet. Not to be cocky, but me and Alice were probably the most fun that came to the red carpet that night. We were subversive. It was like watching two babies walk for the first time. I mugged like in 20 different unflattering ways for the cameras even though most of them stopped photo-ing us when they realized we weren't listed in their packets. I've been searching the photo databases and don't see our pics online. So you will just have to know it was awesome when I told the cameras, "The Imaginasian Center gives me a great reason to come to skid row!"


Awesome thing I said to Russell Wong that night:

"Hi. My friend Alice has a huge crush on you. She wants to put a watermelon between her legs that you can eat out of the way you did in the Joy Luck Club."

(He just turned around and didn't say anything. But he let me take this picture with him.)

Labels: buy nothing day year, buy nothing year, hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong, losing my mind in los angeles

Holy shit, I am at CBS right now and Ben Stein is 10 feet away from me. He said hello to me. I couldn't keep casual. I acted like, "oh I don't know who you are, I'm just going to keep typing."

I should bust out into an audition monologue. But I can't. I can't. I'm blowing my big break.

Labels: hollywood wong

Today, Americans stampeded the Malls across America like crazed rabies infected oxen. I instead made some progress on the afghan that I've been crocheting for my friends' wedding later this year. It's a tedious process, but I think They will appreciate the handiwork.

Here's what I got so far. It's about 4 feet long and I want to get it long enough to cover a twin bed.



They better appreciate it!

During Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house, my father said to my uncle of their big flatscreen tv, "This TV is so old, why don't you get a new one?" And I was like, "The TV works fine to me. It doesn't seem old to me."

Am I the only person who's ok with having a used tube TV purchased for $50 from UCLA AV center? I remember getting that thing and thinking, "Wow, this is one big appliance. And it overwhelms the living room. And it sort of overwhelms living."

I've also been thinking of getting the new Macbook because it would be fun to videochat. But I kinda like this computer now. It still works. There's no rush to upgrade. I'm fine at chatting to icons of my friends. I don't want to get so used to talking virtually, that I forget what it is like to hug and see each over a dinner table.

And my folks asked what I wanted for Christmas. We've been throwing so much stuff between our two homes. And I am trying to prepare for becoming a real estate mogul in Nebraska. All I could think that I needed was, "Nothing. I don't want anything for Christmas. Really. I don't want anything."

That's right. It's late November and I'm still going pretty strong with my "Buy Nothing Year." The pledge? To not buy any gifts, clothes, and basically stuff that takes up room that is not absolutely essential for living. I did slip if you count buying a month of "virtual assistance" for Colleen or some liquor and soap from Greece that I bought for friends. But when it comes to purchasing NON-PERISHABLE (ie JUNK) gifts-- I have no receipts! And I did buy some yarn for the crochet bikini I have yet to finish (but you see, buying things that encourage creativity is ok!). In fact, I did a great job this year of getting rid of a lot of t-shirts and old clothes and crap. And I can do an even better job if I can get my act together to throw out more and more.

I want to get through this year to show folks everywhere that you are perfectly fine to not buy and that finding creative ways around shopping can be fun. I've also saved quite a bit money this year that will go towards my real estate empire.

Here's the place where fate has tempted me. Imaginasian TV sent me a mysterious email invite to the grand opening premiere of their "Imaginasian Center" opening downtown next weekend.

They said in their email that:

"In attendance will be the nation's most eminent Asian American celebrities, talents, athletes, and leaders. We would like to personally invite you to attend, as an important talent and leader in the entertainment industry. The event will feature a red carpet with coverage from mainstream and ethnic press."

Did you hear that folks? I'm "important"! So important, that the invite came by email. But no matter. Also, no matter that later in the invite it says, "This invite does not guarantee entry."

But anyway. This event is a big freaking deal-o for some and a chance for me to act like a dong at a big shindig. And the first thing I thought that I wanted to wear was a big ol' crazy 80's prom dress with bows and polka dots and taffeta. Turn that shit out, you know?

But then I had a better idea. I thought, what if I wore a crisp white pantsuit with a matching hat and a clear cane and pimped walk that event? YES! Since this "class" thing is not my forte, I thought I'd turn a corner and walk in like I owned the joint.

"Shock it" as the gals would say in high school.

I started to websearch for "white pantsuit" and "clear cane." But then I remembered my wee little "Buy Nothing Year" pledge. And if I did buy a little pimptress outfit, I would be breaking my pledge. I would also break my pledge if I went to goodwill to buy an 80's prom dress.

So the idea now is to see if anyone out there has such an outfit in my size (4-6) that I can borrow. Or see if someone on Craigslist has one to give away.

The other back-up idea is to wear this dress my friend Malia almost trashed that has been in my closet forever and tie a big bow around my head and still act dong-like and turn it into my own personal party. Maybe I'll sew fabric together from the apartment and have a 30 foot train follow me.

Does anyone have a clear cane and white pantsuit for me? How about a really cute 80s prom dress?

I have an event to turn out and a buy nothing pledge to commit to.

(Oh that Kristina Wong, she always has got something to prove.)

Labels: buy nothing day year, buy nothing year, crochet, crochet diy, hollywood wong, property mogul

So I'm up in San Francisco again for a grant panel. And now I'm headed back again next week for Takesgiving.

My three day run in Los Angeles this week was nuts. I did a show, got interviewed for current tv about the car, did some acting work, went to a rehearsal at CBS, threw out a bunch of crap from the apartment. Then ran back to the airport to sit on a grant panel in SF. I'm actually in the process of re-establishing residency in San Francisco (and will be living both here and in LA when there is work). I can't wait because there's so much more grant money here for the arts.

So...I have been giving this real estate thing another thought. I don't know if I'm going to be a slumlord in Indiana. This global warming/ end of the world thing is kinda making me wonder if it makes sense to own anything anymore. Like isn't the world going to just explode soon? And will is even matter to own property? Shouldn't I just spend my money on margaritas and a good massage?

If only there was a scientist who could weigh these options for me.

One of my friends who now owns sent me some interesting things to ask myself...

"Do I want the length of my life in Los Angeles to be determined by a
housing market or by me?
Am I making enough money and can I commit to making that much money,
that is, never again making less money, for the rest of my life?
Do I love the place or am I just in love with the idea of being a
homeowner?
Can I do all that homeowner crap on my own (unless you got married
recently and I just missed that somehow)?"

And there's also the fact that while I may not seem to be "directly" impacted by the mortgage crisis and could stand to own for the first time out of it, I am part of the economy and could easily be a homeowner with flailing arms trying to figure out what to do in a rocky home owning economy. So for now, renting is ok.

All I know is, I'm having a rough time today where I am feeling under-accomplished and overwhelmed by life. I'm running into artists doing as much as I take on, if not more, and some of them have kids, and even had a wild past where they are now sobered up meth addicts. I don't even have the excuse that I was a meth addict to account for a lot of wasted time in my 20's. Just sleeping too much and being involved in too many projects that never got finished. I can't imagine having a kid on top of it.

Do you ever feel like I do right now? Like despite having done a lot in your life, it still isn't enough?

Thoughts please.

Labels: empowerment, hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong, property mogul, the secret, vision