I have a new favorite website... REGRETSY.com.... They basically take the most tasteless craft offerings on Etsy and rip them a new buttonhole. I laughed out loud at the above item they found for sale. I'm afraid my sadass yoga bag from a pair of pants will hit their list should I ever try to sell it.

I also appreciated their commentary on this plastic bag holder that looks eerily like a Wilt Chamberlain flaccid penis. Not that I know...

It was a half-assed Halloween. I was a doctor for Halloween (or as I like to say, "My family's wet dream"). Seeing as that I am a living breathing year-round Halloween, I was so out of ideas on what costume to take on to the point that I contemplated doing what most adult women acting out on their unaddressed daddy issues do....stripping down to my underwear and saying it's a costume. But even that seemed too exhausting.

It was suggested to me: "Why don't you wear that crazy cop costume from Cuckoo's Nest"?

(I almost puked at the thought of having to wear a costume from a show.)

It was also suggested to me: "Put a fake penis in your pants and tell people you are Kristina Wong!"

(Bleh... That's so obvious...)

So I put on some scrubs and a lab coat. I don't know why I own such things, but I do.

I am in super turbo mode trying to crank out massive amounts of content in a very short amount of time. I basically am getting my ass handed to me from Nov 10-15 when I'm to crank out 4 different shows in like five days in two cities. I'm still riding the adrenaline from doing five original shows in New York across five days. I feel like I can still output at that level. As exhausted as I am.

Somewhere between all of this I caught this interview with porn starlet Jesse Jane (it was feminist research... I swear...) who describes how she has branded herself and creates a demand through "exclusive" appearances.



I got it all wrong it seems. Unlike Jesse Jane, I don't do just 6 or 7 contract films a year and then pick 6 or 7 clubs to exclusively appear at to make thousands of thousands of dollars. I'm like running around to every small and large theater across town, dropping my art pants for whoever will show up. And don't get me started on how insane my gigs are during API Heritage Month... that's like me trying to set some kind of gang bang record.

Nope. I've not been too good at the whole "aura of exclusivity" thing. It's like, I'm an amateur porn star who makes movies with a crap home camera, then uploads them for free on xtube.

Oh Jesse Jane, the art world has so much to learn from you.

Labels: artist life., crafty, crazy, crochet, crochet diy, losing my mind in los angeles, uck you, vacation?

Me and my fellow solo performer D'Lo decided that instead of battling over the scant number of paying university shows for pennies that we would instead combine forces and whore out our talents on the street, then post our efforts on YouTube.

What's great is that the first part of Part 1 is real raw footage we collected after seeing these girls while driving....



I love that we have this kind of Odd Couple, Bert and Ernie dynamic going.... D'Lo is the straight man. Perhaps it's an inside joke, but we're pretty hilarious. Part II....



Brownie points for those who watch Part III



I started outlining about 10 ideas for short films for the two of us to pile upon the mountains of short films already on YouTube. This one took us a month to get together. At this rate, and between our touring schedules, our next film should surface in 2011.

Labels: artist life., hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles

Watch out world! I'm throwing down 62 clams in the month of August to buy my first LA Metro bus pass. I'm thinking I'll wear it around my neck in a plastic laminated necklace like the abuelitas do and push my granny cart filled with groceries up and down Sunset Blvd. I actually don't know that I ride the bus enough to warrant owning a bus pass. I have to ride the bus 49 times next month to make the "bus ride buffet" ticket worthwhile but I'm home for a full month (for once) so I thought I'd live it up.

Things are getting super busy here very fast. Summers tend to be "downtime" for me. I'm seeing crazy things happen in my line of work. I was in talks with New World Theater at UMass Amherst to bring Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in 2010. Then just a month later, New World Theater had their funding completely cut off by the university! This is pretty ugly as this institution has been around for 30+ years.

I did get a very huge break a few months ago with a MAPFUND grant to develop my new "CAT LADY" show but I haven't been able to secure a premiere venue or NPN co-commissioner. It's not that the interest isn't there, it's just that every theater on earth is watching their budget. There's a definite and palpable slowdown in the arts.

So I've decided that rather than wail and flail in panic, I'm going to use the money that I had set aside for a car to invest in a new computer and a video camera. And I'm thinking of turning part of the living room in my new Silverlake House into a set that I can shoot different shows in. I'm long overdue for a tech upgrade, I've been using the same laptop for five years! And it's really hot and slow. So look out world, not only will this lady be rocking a bus pass but also a video blog!



I will admit that I've been looking at ads for cars. It's really tempting to buy one. To be able to get to West LA in one hour as opposed to two. These ads are misleading though... this "Cash for Clunkers" thing is so dumb. How is it a 5 year old car can qualify as a clunker but my Mercedes that caught on fire on the 405 couldn't? Bleh, forget it.



Quite a few of my creative friends are complaining about going broke this summer and I've mentioned several times in my blogs how it's hard to not get sucked into poverty mentality when the news and all your friends are dragging the sky down around you. I find myself having days where I'm like, "Oh god! It's over! I give up!"

I'm losing sympathy for my friends going who complain of being broke. Their standards of broke are "first world broke." I have a friend who is a sex worker and says she's having "survival sex" for money and yet owns a laptop, cell phone, and car. I have another friend who owes me $500 and he's had months to pay me back, and he calls me from his cell phone to tell me he has run off to New York City (for a vacation).

If you are broke, suck it up, grow up, and deal with it. Because nobody with an IPhone is a victim of anything.

People keep asking me for help with getting money to do their art. The requests were at first flattering because it really felt as if they regard me as successful. But now theses requests have become kind of irritating, like I'm some kind of magic fairy that can say three things to make things happen. If you go way back into my very first blogs, you'll know, I've been at this game for YEARS and only started to make a full time living at it in the last four years. And if you know me well enough, you know it was REALLY REALLY UGLY when I was first at this.

I see people I haven't seen in a while and the first thing they say is, "Hi Kristina! Can you help me get grant money?"

("Yeah. Nice to see you too.")

Is there a sign on my head that says: "My name is Kristina Wong and I can show you how easy it is to get money because I have nothing better to do?" I mean I try to be supportive of people but I feel like that generosity gets taken advantage of.


People asking me to lead them to "magic grant money" irritates me one three levels:

First, I spend 20 hours (if not more) a week doing work related to generating income for my art (that is not my actual art) and most people aren't willing to put up the BS of arts admin. Even when I've taken the time to explain to people how it all works, they either don't apply for the grant that I just walked them through or ask me to repeat the information to them as if the explanation will become somehow easier. My biggest pet peeve is when they ask me to send copies of my grants so they can play mad libs with them, as if we weren't doing completely different projects.

Second, I probably make the same amount as many of my artist friends "who are always broke"-- the difference is that I manage my finances differently. A lot of my broke friends would not be broke if they just learned to not spend money on stuff they don't need or buy so much stuff on credit. So it's not that I have more money than other people, I just allocate my money differently when I get it.

And third, there is no "magic grant money." Like any other thing that's earned in this world. Money for your art is also earned, not thrown around to random people like a sweepstakes prize.

So my artist friends going broke but texting away on your iphone... do you need a bail out? Here it is!

NINE Cash for Clunkers Tips for Creatives going Broke who keep asking me to help them with money:

1. Run Away
If you can't get a job and your career is not going anywhere, sublet your place, give up your apartment, sell your things, and run off to an artist's retreat where you can live for free. Unfortunately, most of them don't pay you to be there or accommodate kids. If you can't get into an artist's retreat, move in with your parents and be their "loser" 30-something kid who writes screenplays in the basement. Nobody will judge you if they can't see you! Yay! You just freed up $400-1000 a month in rent!

2. Get someone to burn you a bootleg copy of The Secret and watch it over and over again until you sound possessed.
I am critical of The Secret (ie "The Unofficial Orientation Video for New Angelinos") because it does place much too much emphasis on material wealth. But hey, it's Metaphysics for Dummies! There is a critical third step to the process of the Secret that people often forget-- ACTION. So stop complaining that nobody sent you $100 after you watched The Secret and start taking action. (And taking action does asking me to lead you through the short cut to money. Because I only know the long route.)

3. Sell your car and get a bus pass.
If you really need money that badly, get over your "I need my car" bullshit and get rid of your car. Cancel your insurance. Cancel your AAA membership. Cancel your gym membership (because the city streets just turned into your gym). Yay! You just freed up $500 a month plus whatever you got for your car.

4. Find something less expensive to replace your drug habit.
Get money. Get stoned. Can't remember where your money went. Get money. Get stoned. Can't remember where your money went. Why do broke people still have money for pot? Here's a suggestion of how to get high instead. Put on a Bob Marley cd, then run around really fast backwards in the hot sun without water, then try to recite poetry, then get a friend to say "whoa, that's brilliant" at every line. Yay! You just freed up $50-300 a month.

5. Don't be a bottom feeder.
If you ever done movie background work, you've probably met "background lifers." The people who only talk about doing extra work and getting more extra work, and yet, still think this will lead to something bigger. If you get too obsessed with the stones lining the walkway, you'll never get to see the inside of the house. Sometimes the "hunting and gathering" way of the artist life prevents us from thinking about the big picture. So think from the top down. Think beyond survival.

6. Drop your $$$ scene study class and take creative classes at TeAda Camp instead. I'm teaching and am a student in at TeAda's summer camp for adults that's super affordable for creative people who want to expand their skillset on a budget. You can take classes in movement, voice, acting, improv, yoga and writing for as low as $10 a class. They are drop-in classes so you don't have to commit to months and months of training. The classes are cheap as hell and a good alternative to that overpriced overhyped stuff offered all over LA. Yay! You just freed up $200-400 a month (depending on what pyramid scheme acting school you were previously enrolled in.)

7. Kick the deadbeat to the curb. (Several times in the head if necessary.)
Are you in a shitty relationship and giving the guy/girl money/ free rent/ food on top of it? Say good- bye! This one is especially for my creative lady friends who are with men who can't take care of themselves and freeload off your generosity. You deserve a partner who can take care of him or herself and therefore, can support you when you need it. You are not a rescuer. You are not a social worker. You will find better. I've kicked a few deadbeats to the curb myself and never looked back. Yay! You've just freed up 200 lbs of dead weight!

8. Manage your money between several different checking accounts.
If you are an artist working for yourself, the worst financial thing you can do is pile up all your income into one checking account. You should not pay your rent and your director out of the same account. You should not deposit your big grant check in the same account that you pay for food. I recommend two accounts-- a business account and personal account. And have two separate credit cards for business and personal expenses.

Figure out what your personal budget is each month to live. This amount should be your salary and every month write yourself a check from the business account to the personal account in this amount. Even if this means you have several checking accounts with a $0 balance, you will at least get into the habit of managing your money and treating the work you do as a professional.

Ideally, you should have several accounts. (This is something I am still trying to organize in my own life.) You should have a business account, a personal account, an education account (for paying for things to further your learning and growth), a splurge account, an investments fund. There are other methods for breaking these accounts up. When you get money, get in the habit of dividing money in each of these accounts. Yay! You are saving towards retirement!

9. Stop buying shit.
Use the library, wear things twice, make new things out of old things. Make presents for your friends. Our economy is a mess and we're told to save money by not buying things, but the only way the economy will move is if we buy things. What gives? Run away from the need to buy stuff that can be borrowed, bartered or made! I was going to buy a VHS to DVD converter to convert my analog archives to 0's and 1's but found out there was one I could use at the SAG Foundation for free. Yay! I just saved $150!


Presents I made for my friends' kids.

There! Now stop asking me to help you get money. Or at least have a real conversation with me before you ask. I just helped you get lots of money. If you need more help, I'll be at the bus stop waiting for you to give me a ride to the next big thing!

Labels: artist life., kristina is so bitchy this week, losing my mind in los angeles, property mogul, the secret, The Wong Sans Wheels Chronicles, veggie oil car, vision

If you known me for a while, you know that sometimes I'll have blogs (like my last one) that end with me saying fatalistic things like: "I'm joining a cult!," then there is silence for a few days, and then the next entry will be something frivolous about a new haircut or something. With no mention of my previous freak out.

Anyway, I keep forgetting that these six weeks of relatively unstructured time in Los Angeles is for me to write, administrate, and do all those things that I need to do to keep working and make creative work. The trap is that unstructured time often gets wasted with freaking out about the meaning of life. The first few days back have been hard because I feel like when I get back to LA after long trips, especially in this economy, its like I'm trying to jump into some double dutch ropes that are moving too fast or not at all.

Lately, the city has felt really quiet. Like a long continuation of what it felt like over Christmas break. Is it just me? There's nothing really interesting going on as far as I can tell. It's gotten so uneventful here that my friend invited me to a picnic in the Valley in two weeks and I was like, "YES! I'm coming!!!"

Mike, the director and editor or our concert film reminded me that there is plenty of work left to do before I freak out and backpack across the country for eight years. And we're getting an editing schedule going so we can finish our wonderful Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest Concert film. (Which is looking pretty marvelous I might say.) I'm also making a goal to apply for more grants and residencies and maybe pick up my novel again after having put it down after my residency in Florida last summer. Also, crank out a few spec scripts.

And so, I'm back on the saddle. I was panicked a bit the other night when I blogged about working on an organic farm-- something that I have been seriously considering if our economy collapses and art is obliterated in its wake. I found myself going through the community college course catalog looking for classes to keep me busy. For half a second I thought about taking a fabric basket making course. I wanted to take this tap dance class but alas, the carless life makes it impossible to get down there. (Anyone want to take this tap class in Culver City with me for five weeks? It starts tomorrow and is only $50!)

I often feel like a senior citizen in these stretches of unstructured time in Los Angeles. Like when I come home from touring, I have this semi "retirement savings" to live on while I enjoy the view and find things to keep my occupied so I don't let my mind wander too much. It's also a huge contrast from life on the road where I'm the belle of the ball in the cities I visit and integral to their culture. Here, I sometimes wonder if people even know or care that I'm back.

(I'm back! Where's my party!!!)

I signed up for a one day class in March to learn to make sushi. This was my drastic gesture to deal with the quiet. I was going to take an cross stitch class on Friday, but it's $60. That's a lot of dough when I can pretty much teach myself to do cross stitch. Yes, teach myself... cross stitch. I'm going to cross stitch portraits of me and my cat.

Oh god, what's happening?

I guess this is what people start to do at my age when they are unmarried with no kids... they start taking classes at the Learning Annex and play chess with homeless people on the beach.

Labels: cat lady, losing my mind in los angeles, marriage grown up crap

It keeps happening lately, especially now, in this economy, when I return to Los Angeles for a long stretch of time. But especially lately, now that Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is done and there are new shows to be made.

I am left atop an empty pocket of air. Wondering, what am I to do with this time on earth.

Yes, the meaning of life question.

I don't know what there is in this city anymore. I've been here a long long time. And I accomplished what a huge life goal was... to make a good living as an artist... doing art that would allow me to travel and was work that I could feel was meaningful and mine.

This question was partially sparked by my friend who just came by and said, "I have no family here, no partner, just a job, shouldn't I just move home and be with my family?"

And I was like: "Should I be doing the same thing?" Because actually... I'm in the same boat. If anything, I don't have a job here... technically. As with everyone in LA, I'm a freelancer, and right now, everyone is more "free" than "lancing."

We are all floating in this space of "is the sky falling?" and what will happen next in this great big blur called the recession?

I'm thinking of doing something drastic. Like living off the grid like this guy I met in Alaska is. Or teaching English abroad. Or working on organic farms in Europe.

What to do?

Labels: losing my mind in los angeles, saturn's return

The Photoshop sham that is my headshot?

I just had a callback for the commercial I was "scouted" for. In my last post, I described being scouted for the role I was apparently born to play.

The role was a frumpy Chinese waitress with lots of pimples.

And it's been a funny story and all, but I can't help but think from people's reactions (veering more on the "Well that's Hollywood for you" rather than "What! You are gorgeous! You aren't frumpy and ugly Kristina!") that maybe I am a really really really ugly and horrible looking human being.

I mean, I was able to laugh it off AT FIRST, but I'm feeling from people's reactions, and this whole experience with these commercial auditions, coupled with enough bad awkward girl memories to fill a lifetime--- that maybe I really am that ugly looking person and have yet to embrace it.

And here I thought I was hot all these years. Here I had thought that I had a decent rack, nice body and a great smile. Was I wrong? Am I an ugly person?

As I drove back from the callback and looked at my reflection in the rearview mirror, I had the most horrible thought in the world.


This is the most horrible thought in the world...


"I am so ugly. I do not deserve to be loved."


Then one by one. I got flooded with more terrible thoughts and horrible memories. Maybe my mother was right when she told me as a kid that I should be on the radio, not TV. (She's long since taken that statement back, btw, and is fully supportive of my career.) Maybe I will die alone and unloved. Maybe I'll never be in a relationship again. Maybe my true calling is as the cat lady persona I keep mocking ironically. Maybe I should change careers and work in a dark room, alone, where nobody would have to look at me. Ever.

Because I am so hideously homely.


It's such a horrible feeling to look at yourself and feel like you can't be loved. Because everybody deserves love.

EVERYBODY. The frumpy and the pimply included. Do you hear me!? We all deserve love!!!

I shook myself out of this funk pretty quickly when I realized that there will always be someone who loves me.


"Hey! There's someone who no matter what, will cheerish and adore me!"

And that someone doesn't care if I have a frumpy day! Or get a pimple!

I smiled to myself in the mirror, that old familiar smile when I realized that someone in life does love me.

Who will always love me for who I am do you ask?


Gross and creepy old white men with large collections of Samurai swords, with a sizable Asian fetish, who jerk off to Asian porn and go on sex tour trips to Asia!

They will always find me beautiful and love me!

Yay for them! They will always love me. No matter how frumpy or pimply I get.

Come and get me fellas! Here I am!

Labels: a shot at love with kristina wong, cat lady, dying alone, hollywood wong, loser, losing my mind in los angeles, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn

In considering the present degradation of mankind and the progress of the women's movement reversed in just one episode of Rock of Love 2 (Really Bret Michaels? You're giving the women coupons they can redeem to hang out with you? Really?! And why is that Katherine woman referred to as "old" when she is actually YOUR age?! Are you serious?)

AND seeing as that I'm addicted to these dating shows despite these infractions they have on my humanity, I've decided to jump into the degradation....

Network executives! I have a pitch that will be sure to increase your viewership among performance art aficionados, third wave feminist academics, and nasty old white pervies.

It's A Shot at Love with Kristina Wong!

Synopsis: 36 beautiful men and women (mostly Korean) ranging from ages 22-80 move into Kristina's 2 bedroom apartment in West LA for a chance to win the heart of this reclusive-yet-extroverted, neurotic-yet-sincere big bad Chinese cat lady. Each week, Kristina eliminates the unworthy, and those who remain will get a special crochet hook on a necklace ensuring another week in the apartment and the one ultimate shot at love with Kristina!

Week 1: Welcome to West LA!
All the contestants get off the Santa Monica Blue Bus and drag their luggage two blocks past the corner liquor store and the loitering homeless on Santa Monica Blvd to move into Kristina's apartment! The 36 all huddle into the living room where every imaginable sleeping area is claimed faster than you can say "Interdisciplinary Performance Artist!" Kristina rolls up in her pink benz to greet her future suitors in an outfit to die for-- A hand crocheted poncho! All Koreans who show up get a "use-whenever" coupon to hang out with Kristina and are automatically moved to the next round creating racial tension in the apartment.

After a night of mingling over orange juice and bottle water, Kristina picks a handful of the unlucky who will not make the next round.


Week 2: Who is oppressed? And who can comment on it ironically?

Challenge: To find out who can most identify with Kristina's work, she's set up a challenge that will really put them in her shoes. Using only fake blood, a roll of toilet paper, and butoh movement, the contestants must convey their inner legacies of oppression by creating an improvised performance art piece. Bonus points awarded to those who can be self-referential. The winners get to go on a special bike date with Kristina and buy her sushi.


Week 3: The Cat Lady Cometh

Challenge: What would you do for Kristina's love? In this challenge, massive piles of cat diarrhea and cat pee have been left in the apartment by Kristina's cat Oliver. And the contestants who clean up the most wins a date with Kristina at nearby Stoner Park for a vegetarian BBQ that they will cook for her.


Week 4: Grant me a Future

Challenge: Kristina needs help writing a high stakes Rockerfeller MAPP Grant that needs to be postmarked by midnight. So all the contestants get a shot at writing Kristina's grant. The strongest grantee wins a date with Kristina-- a shopping spree at Ross Dress for Less! But here's the challenge twist-- every two minutes, one of Kristina's friends will instant message with nothing important to say. Can they survive the online distractions, write the killer grant and get to the airport post office in time?


Week 5: Oil me up!
Challenge: Seeing as the price of vegetable oil has now climbed higher than that of gasoline, Kristina sends her contestants to the back alleys of some of LA's finest strip malls to find some fuel for her pink Benz. The contestants must pump and filter used cooking oil so that it is usable for driving. The one who returns with the most usable oil wins a date taking Kristina to the auto shop in Silverlake (where it was dropped off for yet another mechanical problem during the last episode) so she can actually put the fuel in her car.


Week 6: Can you tech Wong?

Challenge: This week's special guest judge is Jen, Kristina's theater technician that has toured with her on the road. Jen once teched Kristina's show from behind the scrim-- meaning she teched her show BLIND! Jen will do a crash course with the Wong-loving hopefuls on reading Kristina's scrawly handwriting and how to read Kristina's inconsistent stage cues. Jen will also offer tips on how to kick Kristina out of a pre or post show panic.

Whoever can best tech Kristina's show after this crash course wins a special date to see the Wooster Group at the REDCAT.

But here's the real twist-- they won't be teching the show in a theater but a cafeteria! Can they make it work?


Week 7: Oh the Yarns we Tangle

Challenge: Oh no! All of Kristina's yarn stash has come loose and tangled. Even her really nice Rowan yarn. The contestants must untangle and re-skein the yarn so she can knit it. The winning fiber untangler gets to go on a date with Kristina to Wildfiber, Kristina's favorite local
yarn store in Santa Monica.


Week 8: Guess Who's coming for dinner?

Challenge: The contestants are surprised when ex-Calvin Klein model and all over hot lesbian Jenny Shimizu shows up as surprise judge. Jenny grills the remaining hopefuls for their "creepy factor" screening out those with right-wing tendencies, lack of motivation, and an obscene collection of Japanese anime deemed as too creepy for Kristina's love.

Drama hits the house when Jenny starts to come onto Kristina. After Kristina and Jenny engage in intense lovemaking, walk arm-in-arm past all of Kristina's ex-boyfriends, and taking plenty of photo evidence to document it all, Kristina sends (heartbroken) Jenny on her way.


Week 9: Meet the Wongs
The remaining three contestants fly to San Francisco where they will meet Kristina's parents and extended family in what stands to be the greatest challenge yet-- gaining the Wong Family seal of approval. Who's FICA score is strong enough to withstand Mama Wong's credit check? Who will survive Papa Wong playing Whitney Houston's self-titled album on a loop for five straight hours?

Kristina eliminates one, and only two remain.

Week 10: Only One is Right for Wong
Kristina takes the final two for a special getaway. No, not Miami.... not Jamaica... not Hawaii. But Sawtelle Blvd, a few blocks from the West LA apartment! Exotic! Kristina springs for dinner at Yashima's where she worked as a hostess for a month after college (they still hook her up). There she asks the final two to put all their guns on the table and sing their best Karaoke renditions of a GnR song.

In a spectacular finale ceremony in Kristina's carport that involves battery powered Christmas lights and fake flowers bought on clearance-- the winner of Kristina's heart is revealed.

**********************

It's a sexy idea for a show isn't it? Yes, I thought you'd agree.

I'm going to cry now and brush my cat.

Labels: a shot at love with kristina wong, artist life., cat lady, cat pee, crafty, crochet, hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn.

So I went from being the big Kahuna in Miami to being the doormat du jour in Los Angeles. The CBS showcase is Tuesday and I swear it's crushing my soul. I appear in one sketch (even my one liner role as Ming the Burmese handjob giver was cut). I never remember theater being so cut-throat. It truly is a business. I don't regret the experience of the showcase and it really is thickening my skin.

During yesterday's rehearsal I had the following thoughts. Like really, I had these thoughts...

* "Where can I buy drugs like coke?"
* "Maybe I should call my sex worker friend and see how I can get into her line of work."
* "Is the bar in my closet high enough to hang myself from?"

I also called my hypnotherapist friend during the rehearsal to schedule an emergency appointment. I've never tried hypnotherapy, but right now I need all the magic fairy dust I can get to maintain my sanity.

I was also caught trying to poke my eyes out with my own finger during the rehearsal.

If anything, I am really understanding how important it is that I do my own work and how lucky I am that if this acting stuff never pans out, I will always have performance art to lean on (how freaking strange is that?!). And as much as I want to retire from performance art and make tons of money in ONE city rather than roam the globe for pennies, at least I have my own artistic vision at the end of the day.

My friend, the famous playwright Alice Tuan said that she felt my blogs made it seems like my life was really charmed and easy-ish. Which is so crazy because despite the perks, my life is totally insanely crazy. It was really good seeing Alice last night after the monster day with CBS. I cried and cried and then we laughed together.

Anyway, I've been up looking at my press from Miami. Check it.

Miami New Times
(Yet again, I find another opportunity to call out the Korean Pick Up artist like the psycho freak bitch I am.)


Anyway, so I'm planning to go to church today. I need to pray. I don't care what god. I just need to pray.



I also seem to be on Miami time still. As I'm blogging at 5am and going to bed at 9pm.

Labels: artist life., balance, hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong, losing my mind in los angeles, miami, neediness., press, stamina, vision

I'm at LAX now for my 8:25 am flight to Miami. I packed the whole apartment into two suitcases it seems.

Yet again, I couldn't bribe anyone for a ride. So I turned to my new best friend, fake tv boyfriend, and ex-reality star for help.



Yay! Spoon, from VH1's "The Pick up Artist" gave me a second ride to the airport. And this time he rolls up to my apartment at 6:30am and there's a guy in the passenger seat. I hear, "Is that her?!"

(And I project, from his voice, that perhaps he too was a wee bit disappointed that I don't look like a school girl, instead I look like Kristina.)



It's Brady, the runner up from VH1's the Pick up artist, also Spoon's roommate. Brady also got a stripper to make out with him on the show. Which even as a feminist, I found impressive.

I think Brady and Spoon were the cutest ones on the show. I was so starstruck by these two ex-reality stars outside of my apartment taking me to the airport, I started to jump up and down with glee. I think they were happy to be appreciated as their show was kind of the sleeper hit of VH1's line up in 2007 and their return to real life has been not as glamorous.

It was such a fun ride over.

Brady busts out with one of the pick up lines ("openers") that I knew well from watching the show and reading "The Game." He says from the backseat, "So who do you think lies more, girls or guys?"

I started screaming and laughing, "Don't pull that shit on me! I know all the lines! I've read the pick-up books! I know all the tricks! Those openers they taught you were so ridiculous."

And then Brady ad libs with another opener, which had to be the dumbest one on the show, "Did you see the fight outside?"

We were all laughing.

Then I started to wag my finger at those two and scolded them, "You know, you two were just as cute, if not cuter before your Pick-up makeovers. I actually preferred you guys when you were dorks."

Spoon shook his head as if to say, "No like the old Spoon."

Anyway, I was so happy when they dropped me off at the curb, I jumped up to hug both of them.

Yay! Rock Star!

Kinda.


Will post pictures when I land.

Labels: asian men, hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles, reality tv, Spoon, the pick up artist, Vh1

Aw, so far, it's been a great year. I spent it with friends and laughed a lot more than yesterday when I was lying in bed freaking out about how I'm going to pull off the next three weeks. And then the next three weeks after that... and after that...

I'm taking matters into my own hands and am asking folks to start proposing to me via youtube. Men, women, children, animals.... No marriage proposal too scary or flippant. We must send the energy waves my way so that I will be married to a rich oil tycoon by the end of the year and can retire from performance art to become a lady of leisure.

And guess what! My "Buy Nothing Year" is finally over! Can you believe I went all of 2007 without buying new clothes or non-perishable gifts? It wasn't that hard, but I did stave off temptation on more than a few occasions. Now.... Let me at the mall! I got an economy to feed!

Labels: artist life, balance, buy nothing day year, buy nothing year, cat pee, losing my mind in los angeles, neediness., sex is unnecessary when you have yarn., vision

I thought I'd videoblog on the last day of the year. It's boring but it lets you know what I'm up to. I'm basically getting ready to kill in Miami at the South Beach Comedy Festival.

Check this out...

I spent today-- laughing, crying, getting angry, feeling freaked out and alone, feeling suicidal, and then feeling great again. It's kind of like this whole year of my life wrapped up in one strange last day.

I'm off to a New Year's get together at Helena's place.

Not sure what will happen at the end of 2008. But I can only hope it will be as good to me as 2007 was. I've had few years as good as this one.

Labels: balance, cat pee, chocolate rain, hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles, not angry anymore. just tense., oh my god, saturn's return, sex is unnecessary when you have yarn., vision

Well, it happened. I got a ride to the airport from an ex-reality tv star that I never actually met in person before that night and I have lived to blog about it.

So Spoon actually called at 4:10AM from outside my apartment. I had a last minute panic that he would really be a serial killer or flake or someone who had posed as Spoon on Instant Messenger and offered a ride, but there he was in the dark of night, double parked outside my apartment, in his little two-door car with his big Alaskan dog in the passenger seat.

I gave him a hug and was like, "Wow, you are like a jpg come alive!" (The last time I said that was when I met Asia Carrera and like Spoon, she was non-plussed by my amazing sense of humor.) I think Spoon was disappointed (as many men are) that I wasn't dressed like a schoolgirl and that I actually looked more like Kristina.

It was so odd, and yet so normal. Oh my god, there's an ex-reality tv star at my apartment and he's going to take me to the airport. The guy from TV is my 4am Super Shuttle.

Which gets me to thinking about how much lines are blurred in this age of Myspace and internet. How people that you see on tv can be your "friend" and show up at your house and it's not even creepy.

He was telling me about his life since he moved to LA a month ago. It's so weird to me how he hangs out still with people from the show. And it seems like all those pick-up artist teachers, contestants and student guys hang out together still like a big gang. Much like how the PUA community is depicted in "The Game" by Neil Strauss. Spoon actually lives with Brady (who was one of the finalists on the show). And he hangs out with the "Master PUAs" on a regular basis. A lot of their names I know because they are written about in "The Game."

Something is so odd about hanging out with the same community from the reality show you were eliminated on. I watch so many VH1 reality shows that at times I feel like I really know the contestants like old friends. But I think if I was ever on one, I'd want to still have my other friends back when it was all over. But that whole Pick-Up artist community is like Scientology-- the community is set up in such a tight cultish way that it in two-folds gives you an instant community, but it also feels hard to leave.

So along the ride to the airport, we stopped at a grocery store because I wanted to get something to drink and he busts out with, "You look so trashed! And tired!"

And I'm like, "What?! Wow, that's got to be best thing you could say to a woman."

And I'm thinking, is he trying to use "negs" on me? ("Negs" are the Pick-Up Artist term for comments that are a mix of insult and flattery that somehow force the woman that is "negged" to throw herself at the guy.) Knowing that he's been part of this whole show, I'm not sure what is a line and what's real.

Or maybe, he really does think I look trashed. It isn't even part of a come on. I really do look horrible. And then I feel all sad inside that I don't look like the gem of the Nile at 4am at the grocery store.

And then he was like, "I can say that, because I don't want anything from you."

And I'm thinking: Buddy, how much action did you think you were going to get on the way to the airport? This isn't a date, it's a ride to the airport and part of my "research."

And then there was this other beauty he blurted out on the ride over: "You speak perfect English! That's so weird..."

And I'm thinking... Is this how white Portland is that this poor Asian kid is not used to Asian people speaking English? I didn't even try to explain that I was third generation Chinese American and that in the year 2007 it isn't abnormal to meet Asian people who speak English. And wtf, only ignorant white people say things like that.

Spoon reminds me of myself when I was in college. So wide-eyed and slightly overcompensating. But he's also very sweet and boyish. He just moved from his parents' house for the first time which may have something to do with his wide eyed-ness.

I think what was so interesting about reading "The Game," studying the whole PUA workshop community on the web and watching "The Pick Up Artist" is it really reveals how vulnerable men are and what a "performance" masculinity is. The language of the PUA community is similar to that of a stand-up: there are "sets," "openers," "closers" and there is strategic positioning to the "set."

I never realized how vulnerable and desperate men would be to meet women. Those PUA workshops can cost up to $10,000! I always thought it was the other way around with how women are always trying to be more beautiful to bring a good guy into their lives. It was kind of oddly empowering to read about all that PUA stuff and realize men sometimes don't know how to be men and have to take classes on it.

Anyway, that's as much as I will divulge on the web. Here's Spoon btw on VH1 winning the award for dressing the most gay/fashionable.


VH1.com Videos

Labels: hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles, Spoon, the pick up artist, Vh1

Look what my mom made.


At first I was like, "aw cute." And then I got weirded out to see my Pops dressed like an elf..

Anyway. I'm really slow moving and sad these last few days. Like I can't get anything done. I think it started when I decided to start watching all of Season 3 of Lost and have watched about 20 episodes so far in the last 52 hours. I have 4 episodes to go. That and my car is STILL in the shop which keep sme from doing quite a bit. It's totally freaking me out that show. It's so real in ways and I'm totally submerged in that world of that island.

If I was one of the people who survived on that crash, I totally would have been dead weight. I would have freaked out and ran off into the woods already.

Labels: losing my mind in los angeles

So I didn't even get to tell you all about the big Hollywood shindig that I broke my "Buy Nothing Year" vow to prep for.

I know. I broke my year-long vow to not buy anything. And for what? For lesser Hollywood.

Here I am with my date, playwright Alice Tuan.



So, after contemplating how I should pimp walk last Saturday's "Imaginasian Center" Opening that I was mysteriously invited to attend as "an important" personality. I decided to not buy a crisp white suit or an 80s prom dress, but instead, was resourceful and got the zipper fixed on this old dress discarded by my friend Malia. I wore some fishnets and heels I had lying and around and an old costume shop hat that I used to wear with the Billionaires for Bush.

I looked awesome and ironic.



Here are me and Timo, who somehow got an invite for this shingdig too.

I unfortunately, did not get any full body shots of my loveliness, but you can see the fingerless lace gloves I broke my pledge and bought for $8. Here I am with Carrie Ann Inaba who I actually know from college.



I was so fun that night. It was fun being dressed like a starlet in my hat and fur coat. It was like I became this caricature of myself. People were like, "Are you Kristina now or Fannie?" because everytime I shook a man's hand (even if it was John Cho or Joe Schmoe), I gently pushed my fist towards his mouth so he would be forced to kiss my hand. I think I'm going to do this from now on as long as I wear gloves.

Here's me and Michelle Krusiec. Who I already know and have on my email list because I'm so famous too.

The best part is Alice and I got to walk the red carpet.

It was so fun going to this event with the famous playwright Alice Tuan.


After five minutes of being denied entry to the red carpet, they finally let us through!

Alice: This is kinda sad and desperate.
Kristina: Relax. We will get to walk this.
Monitor: Ok, so who are you again?
Kristina: I am Kristina Wong, a famous performance artist. This is Alice Tuan, she's a famous playwright.
Monitor: Where are you from?
(this is where we are supposed to chime in with the name of some tv show or movie or celebrity that has created our whole meaningful identity.)
Alice: Los Angeles
Kristina: We aren't on your list. We're write-ins.
(Monitor looks to empty red carpet. Looks out into potential "celebrity" prospects, none of who are on their list of people to let through. Realizes, we are all there is to kill time.
Alice: My play was just at Humana.
(No reaction from monitor.)
Monitor: Fine. (aloud and lackluster) Ladies and Gentlemen! Playwright Alice Tuan and... performance... uh... artist... Kristina Wong!

We had a grand time on all 20 feet of the red carpet. Not to be cocky, but me and Alice were probably the most fun that came to the red carpet that night. We were subversive. It was like watching two babies walk for the first time. I mugged like in 20 different unflattering ways for the cameras even though most of them stopped photo-ing us when they realized we weren't listed in their packets. I've been searching the photo databases and don't see our pics online. So you will just have to know it was awesome when I told the cameras, "The Imaginasian Center gives me a great reason to come to skid row!"


Awesome thing I said to Russell Wong that night:

"Hi. My friend Alice has a huge crush on you. She wants to put a watermelon between her legs that you can eat out of the way you did in the Joy Luck Club."

(He just turned around and didn't say anything. But he let me take this picture with him.)

Labels: buy nothing day year, buy nothing year, hollywood wong, i'm kristina wong, losing my mind in los angeles

So I guess I can reveal my first great "WHOA, my life is changing for the bigger" that I had alluded to in my last post.

I have been selected to be part of the CBS Diversity Showcase in January! I will perform for a huge audience of industry folks with a small cast of other actors! It is a mega opportunity for me to be seen by casting directors and such. It could be the start of my life transition from the art stage to the big screen.

Randomly, my friend Amy who did the showcase last year, ran into me and asked if I was interested in it. She referred me to the casting people and I went in today for my audition! And they took me right there! I've never experienced anything like it.

So this changes a lot for me now. The next few months until January will be intense. I will be spending a lot of time writing sketches with the other actors and we will be hammering a top notch and tight sketch show together. I'm still going to do my tour dates between, but I won't get to spend as much time as I had originally planned to spend in San Francisco.

It's all so exciting. And it marks one big transition I wanted to make in my career that will hopefully allow me to not have to travel so much to make my living.

I'm very shy about telling people, but here's my secret. I do hope eventually to work more in TV and Film because traveling alone and doing these solo theater shows about intense as hell issues can be very lonely and hard on my body. (Not that Hollywood is particularly healthy either! But the money and staying in one place is so appealing.)

And of course, I'm sure you all want to know what I did for my audition? Well, I had thought that maybe I should write some kind of quirky character monologue, but after going into the CBS casting office earlier this week to get a pep talk about what to prepare, I realized that it was very very important for me to be funny and outrageous because the casting folks have SEEN IT ALL.



So what did I do? I whipped out the fake strap-on puppet vagina above, put it on in the CBS bathroom under my skirt, waddled into the room and did this crazy monologue where I ranted about how the industry expects us to "pull Asian stuff out of our asses." Then I said, "You know where it really comes from?" Then I squatted down and started...

You can guess the rest.

They went nuts for it. I had the casting director on the floor crying. They were saying after, "It's so great, you take risks! You're over the top! It's much easier to pull people down from being too over the top than push them to be more over the top."

I was so scared to do this for an audition. Especially because everyone I told that I was going to do this said, "That sounds like a bad idea to do at CBS." And in the car ride over I was so panicked that I was being an idiot.

But really, I'm a born performance artist. So this is what I knew how to do the best. It wasn't going to be natural for me to do an actor-ly monoglogue. And it certainly wouldn't make an impression after all the monologues they had seen.

So yes, I guess it does go to show, that being my big crazy self and listening to my heart/vag was the best thing I could have done. Showing those CBS execs my meat curtains was the smartest career move ever.

So what is the moral of the story kids?


All hail my big vag!

Labels: hollywood wong, losing my mind in los angeles

So... another week and I find my life entering a big whole lotta "WHOA!"-ness.

I'm inarticulate, but basically, in a nutshell, there's a lot going on right now. A whole lot of stuff that could be very potentially good. Potentially amazing for the rest of my life. Here, I thought I had it going on. And if things really take off, things will REALLY be going on. And without getting too specific about what it all is that I'm talking about so I don't jinx myself, it's making me wonder if I've been playing in the little leagues the whole time.

Like all these things I've been doing during my 20s, was I just sitting at the table with the kids? Was there an adult table that had a seat waiting for me, but I was too scared to introduce myself?

That's what I feel like now. Like I've been wasting my time playing with the kids. Trying to guard my little patch of grass when there was a whole mountain behind me.

I frequently dream about my apartment and in my dream there's a new room in the apartment. Or a balcony I didn't realize was there. I think this is a metaphor for living in LA. You think you know it, then one day, you realize there was a third bedroom the whole time.

For example, I was at Target in West Hollywood tonight buying a microwave cart for my show tomorrow (that I will put the overhead projector on) and return it in a few days. And I'm looking at all these people who live in this city with me. And I'm tripping out, as I often do when I am a consumer (like at the mall) because I can't believe there are all these people who I share the city with and yet will never get to know. We're buying the same things for our homes, and yet, these people have their own lives and families and patterns and obsessions. And sharing the aisles at Target is as close as I will ever get to them.

Who are these people? Should I get to know them?

And the Target was such a trip. I called ahead of time to make sure they had the $34.99 cart that I wanted to get and some guy out of a Southern Baptist Church voice told me there were six carts left. And I get there, that guy is not to be found and nor is my microwave cart. But there is this young tattooed Asian guy named Allan who tries to find it for me, but can't. And he's unknowingly addicted to pointing his scanner at different things and making the machine bleep.

I already give up on my $34.99 cart. I decide to perhaps buy a 45 gallon wheeled tote to store the yarn set for the show. And there are no lids! Allan explains that when the lids break, they just throw them out.

I'm like, "How the hell you going to sell tubs with no lids?"

Allan just laughs at how stupid it is. And how agitated I am trying to put tiny lids on the big tub. I give up and decide against buying a rubber tub for my yarn.

Then I go to pay for a $60 microwave cart-- which is fine that it's not the one I want because I'm returning it anyway. And I'm looking at all these people buying things and thinking, "Who are these people shopping at the West Hollywood Target at this time of night?" Because at night, I'm usually at home where I assume everyone else should be. Because for some reason, I cannot fathom actually buying things that are not related to a show of some sort. Because this is my world. My world is a show

And I'm in line and this cashier coaxes me out of line to let me have her ring me up. And it turns out the machine doesn't give receipts. And this cashier, she's a dwarf, or at least has stunted growth, a lip piercing, and two black eyes-- unless that's her make up.

I'm asking her to give me a receipt so I can return this cart. But at the same time I am looking at the purple rings around her eyes wondering if it's really a bruise or goth makeup. And I'm wondering what happened to her that she thought that was fashionable or how she can stand to talk to people so normally about Target's return policy when her eyes are all blacked out and people like me are hoping that she isn't being hurt against her will when she goes home.

I decided to drive home, but then decided to find a Starbucks to do this blogging now. I decided, rather than drive on a block that I knew I could find a Starbucks, to turn onto a new block I never drive down and find one, as I was sure I would.

And here I am, half a block into my turn. It appeared predictably. The Starbucks I had imagined would be there, yet had never been before.

There's a whole world going on in LA.

Labels: losing my mind in los angeles