The Highest Highs, The Lowest Lows

So I went from being the big Kahuna in Miami to being the doormat du jour in Los Angeles. The CBS showcase is Tuesday and I swear it's crushing my soul. I appear in one sketch (even my one liner role as Ming the Burmese handjob giver was cut). I never remember theater being so cut-throat. It truly is a business. I don't regret the experience of the showcase and it really is thickening my skin.

During yesterday's rehearsal I had the following thoughts. Like really, I had these thoughts...

* "Where can I buy drugs like coke?"
* "Maybe I should call my sex worker friend and see how I can get into her line of work."
* "Is the bar in my closet high enough to hang myself from?"

I also called my hypnotherapist friend during the rehearsal to schedule an emergency appointment. I've never tried hypnotherapy, but right now I need all the magic fairy dust I can get to maintain my sanity.

I was also caught trying to poke my eyes out with my own finger during the rehearsal.

If anything, I am really understanding how important it is that I do my own work and how lucky I am that if this acting stuff never pans out, I will always have performance art to lean on (how freaking strange is that?!). And as much as I want to retire from performance art and make tons of money in ONE city rather than roam the globe for pennies, at least I have my own artistic vision at the end of the day.

My friend, the famous playwright Alice Tuan said that she felt my blogs made it seems like my life was really charmed and easy-ish. Which is so crazy because despite the perks, my life is totally insanely crazy. It was really good seeing Alice last night after the monster day with CBS. I cried and cried and then we laughed together.

Anyway, I've been up looking at my press from Miami. Check it.

Miami New Times
(Yet again, I find another opportunity to call out the Korean Pick Up artist like the psycho freak bitch I am.)


Anyway, so I'm planning to go to church today. I need to pray. I don't care what god. I just need to pray.



I also seem to be on Miami time still. As I'm blogging at 5am and going to bed at 9pm.

There are Dead in Miami.

I'm back in LA. It's 3am and I'm up typing. The day after my show was not pretty. I jumped on the 8am flight, which meant I had to pack all my crap up in the early AMs. Barely drove the rental car back to Hertz at 6am, paid $50 because my bags were too heavy (i could have threw stuff out but was exhausted and gave up), tried to memorize new lines for this sketch I'm in for the CBS showcase on the plane inbetween passing gas and trying to sleep on the cramped plane.

I landed in LA, drove to CBS in my 1981 veggie oil car which after driving a brand new Miami rental for two weeks, felt like it was running on a wing and a prayer and rubber bands. I found out most of the parts for this showcase have been cast and I have like one scene. Almost threw up from exhaustion and overwhelmedness, left CBS too tired to cry, got a massage, ate thai food, passed out, and now it's 3am and the day has started.

I really am not sure how much longer I can do this road warrior stuff.

Oh yes, and the show rocked! I think there are dead people by the theater still. I am very blessed to have known nobody in Miami and get a very nice crowd of around 250 folks on the Wednesday slot where Louis Ck and Kathy Griffin were also programmed. The awesome folks at Miami Light got the mega- poster with my face on it out of the marquee for me to take home and now I get to look at my ego everyday.

The kids I taught last week from Little Haiti came and sat in the front rows. They had a blast. At one point they were jumping out of their seats screaming when I was like, "Are the Asians in the house?!" See, it didn't take long to convince those kids that they were little Wongs. If I corrupted them, they didn't seem to notice or mind.

My shining moment was when as Officer MacGillawongster, I put a plastic gun to a pregnant woman's stomach and said, "Ma'am, I need you to remove that, it's very dangerous and because of post 9/11 security measures, we must have you take that out in the fight for terrorism."

Holy Shit. x50

I'm at the Lobby at the Standard now. There's actually a casting call for Abercrombie male models by the pool but the models check in here. HOT. Nurit and I are trying to meet and talk about our big day, but in the meantime, I'm drooling and squealing with every piece of man meat man that walks in here. And because we are literally facing the casting guy and the models, some of them have been coming up to us asking, "Where do I sign in?"

"Why you can sign up in room 92, where I'm staying."

We've been joking with the casting guy that we're finning to get discovered.

It's so unfair. Gorgeous people have it so easy. I should know. My life has been a breeze.

Anyway, I have a big day today. The show is today. Here are all the HOLY SHITS of my time in the last few days.


HOLY SHIT.


HOLY SHIT.


CUTE SHIT.


HOLY SHIT.



HOLY SHIT!!!!!


Wish me luck. I'm freaking freaking freaking out.

Just another night of prowling around Miami

What better way to capture my state of mind than a 3am videoblog?

Where's Wongdo?

I'm teaching little Wongs all week in Little Haiti and doing guest talks at different colleges in Miami. I've been teaching improv games and writing exercises to these cutie pies at Youth Expressions. Many of them are coming to my show next week, and I actually worry that it may corrupt them.

What a strange trip this has been and I still have six more days here. I really feel like I could live here. Of course, I'm spoiled and staying at the Standard so of course I could live here. I love the drive back to the hotel where I pass water on both sides. I love looking at the Bay outside the hotel pool. I love the artists and people I am meeting. I love the food... well... kinda. The Haitian and West Indian food has not stuck too well to my sides.

I wish I had more time here. I've been getting invites to shows, to go yachting, and to get drinks but this old lady conks out early and I'm running out of time to get the show together!

And I have yet to really get plunged into the show. My director Nurit comes in this weekend and we will be doing some intense rehearsals.

So, what kind of omen is this?




There was a dying bird on my car last night! I tried to shoo it off, but it wouldn't move. I guess it wanted to go for a ride with me. I didn't want to touch it so I just tried to drive it. But about two blocks later it slid off and flew/rolled off into the street. What does it mean when dying things that cannot fly try to catch a ride with you?



Picked up again in Little Haiti! Screw the Korean diplomat! I got me a new Miami man! Meet my new fake boyfriend Ron! He cooks a mean saltfish and banana dinner!

Anyway, I did get a call from the Korean Pick Artist yesterday. He had read my account of him on the blog (and was not upset!), but sadly, did not hear me scream his exploits out on Miami sports radio. He cannot make my show next week because he has tickets to the Foo Fighters. WEAK. Kristina Wong or Foo Fighters? I say scalp those tickets and watch me march around in my one piece swimsuit.

I can't believe I have to switch gears super quickstyle when I get back to LA for the CBS showcase. One of the actors wrote saying they miss me over there. Is it bad that I don't miss LA much?

Sports and Feminism... This is my Miami Sound Machine.

Here I am on my lazy Sunday at the beach with crazy frizzed hair.

So I went from being lonely and bored out of my mind in Miami to doing the work I've been paid to come out here for, and at like, breakneck speed.

And yay, this is what I do as a solo artist!

I'm teaching guest workshops all over Miami this week. And also doing the round of press interviews.


Oddly enough, Miami seems to be the town for a lot of firsts in my career. I was interviewed on a radio show just last night. Not just any radio show-- a bilingual sports radio show! Yes... a SPORTS SHOW!!! I always thought Bill O'Reilly would put me on the air before a sports show. I sure was nervous that they wouldn't "get" me, and that it would be scary frat-like (the show was sponsored by Cheetahs Strip club!), but the two sportscaster guys were super sweethearts and totally listened to me. I did alright!



So for my sports show interview, I put on my best "alpha male" face, tucked a rolled up sock into my panties, and interviewed with my best "brazen broad" persona.

Listen to me here. Thanks Wes Kim for hosting the interview!

Some of my highlights from this radio interview...

* Used the "F" word at least five times. (The "F word" being "feminist")
* Talked about sports. (huh?!)
* Talked so dirty that I made both sportscaster guys blush.
* Said one thing that they had to "dump" because it wasn't appropriate for the air (Ironically, the phrase they "dumped" was "poopoo peepee.").
* When I ran out of material, I would comment on the homo erotic tension between the two guys.
* Snuck in some third wave feminist commentary about performing gender within the PUA community.
* Screamed the name of my Korean Pick Up artist, dictated his exploits over the airwaves and demanded he call me at the station (he didn't btw :<).
* Declared National Dry Hump Day on Jan 16.
* Declared the end to the use of the word "minorities" and instead a push for the word "majorities."

This is all so weird, being so, dare I say... "mainstream." I feel like I've crawled out of a cave of women's studies and now I am interacting, a lifetime later, with the rest of the world. I just hope my show doesn't disappoint. I still feel like my references may be too obscure for a comedy audience. But they don't think so which is how I ended up at this joint.

Oh well, embrace and enjoy the ride.

I also might be on TV here later this week. Yay!

****
Here are some other pictures for my mother who likes to look at pictures of food on the road...


Here is the Cuban omelette sandwich I ate today.


And here is the Banana Cheese Omelette I had yesterday. Ew. Didn't like it much.


And here I am cruising at a gay bar on the beach.

Bienvenido a Miami! Where the players play... alone!

Miami has been gorgeous the last few days. It's unreal that I get to be here so long. And I'm almost agitated because I am having a hard time embracing that I've earned this. Can artists really be treated like a million bucks on the road? Like shouldn't someone at some point be bopping me on the head and telling me that the empty dorm room bed awaits me??!

Here's the photo story.

First, as promised. Evidence that Spoon and Brady from VH1's "The Pick Up Artist" did indeed take me to the Airport. No pictures of me WITH them, but that will be the next ride to the airport!



Spoon driving with his 6:30 AM on.




Brady being crushed by my monster luggage.


And now I am in Miami. I've never been treated so well on a residency before. I mean I thought I've been treated well. But his is like fantasy residency! I've been given a rental car, a per diem, two weeks at the Standard and a pretty loose schedule to enjoy the surroundings. The car has a GPS and says, "You have arrived" when I get to my destination. And when it says that. I feel like they are saying so much more. I really have arrived it seems.


I can't believe what a luxury this is. It's like my friend E said once of being hot and single and waking up alone every morning, "This is such a waste!"

Indeed, this place is so gorgeous, it seems quite wasteful to be in this awesome hotel all alone. So guess what? You are coming with me! Check it. I present a grand tour of Miami so far.... Mostly the hotel.


A dock overlooking the water. Just behind the hotel!



The lounge chairs at dusk.



The giant king bed is 6 feet across and mocks soloness when I sleep in it.



This is where you load up in mud and wash it off. Going to try this tomorrow.



The view at dusk.


A note from the general manager welcoming me to the Standard and to Miami. I felt like such a rock star.


Anyway, the being here alone thing is killing me. I can't go this long without having someone to talk to and it's only been like a day! This joint is swarming with couples and cool people. I was thinking there would be solo artists roaming the joint and wanting to party... kinda like when I went to Greece. But in odd ways I'm having flashbacks of middle school. Next week I'll be teaching workshops all over the place and my circle of Miami folk I know will grow. But I feel like I showed up at prom alone being here. It's like a honeymoon for one.

I was thinking about what a rock star I am this week and how people would love to join me. So perhaps my friend Jess is right, I need my own reality show, "a Shot at Love with Kristina Wong" where people vie for my love in special performance art challenge like who can convey the most oppression with fake blood and howling sounds. Ha!





By the way, I'm here early assembling a cast of community artists to be in my show. I already found my cutest cop! Look for Sasha at the show! She takes after her mom who is a notable Miami B Girl.